Daily Dose - 020220 - man of Arabic appearance, BIZARRE NEWS, wetting your pants, DDL, Hey Martha
By a magic, this year the Eid Al-Adha just happens to coincide with Kuwait National Day and Liberation Day. That means we get ALL of next week off. That means no more mail from me at the office - For a Whole Week !! Aren't you lucky !
Back at you March 2nd. Eid Mubarak
Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of cash and white powder.
He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a shithole."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
2001 Bizarre Toy List
1.-- Electronic Stretch Screamers by Manley Toy Quest. Ages five and up. How far can you stretch your monster? Listen to him scream. Puss comes out of the head when squeezed.
2.-- Resident Evil: William Birkin and Sherry set, based on the Sony Playstation video game. Ages eight and up. As Birkin mutates he will seek implant his G-virus embryo into his daughter Sherry. The list researchers say this toy borders on promoting incest.
3.-- Finishing Moves, World Wrestling Federation action figures. Lita versus Bubba Ray Dudley. Parental guidance suggested. Male figure has tongue hanging out, with his head between female action figure's legs. Sexually suggestive.
4.-- Lord of the Rings Orc Overseer by Toy Biz. Ages five and up. Orc Overseer can whip newborn Urak Hai as he rises out of his birthing sac. Toy depicts sado-masochism, encouraging child to whip deformed newborn being.
5.-- Oh Deer! The Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper by Midlon Foods. Ages three and up. Jelly bean toy inappropriate for sale in children's toy store. Insensitive and offensive to Christians celebrating Christmas. [And just plain gross...really.]
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Magic Mushrooms Help Santa Fly
EDINBURGH, Scotland - Dr. Ian Edwards, head of education at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh claims magic mushrooms may help Santa Claus fly.
He told The Daily Telegraph about the story originating from Lapland where the people used to feed the hallucinogenic fungi to their herd of reindeer. Edwards said, "They used to feed red and white fly-agaric mushrooms to their reindeer, then drink the animals' urine. Drinking the urine would give them a high similar to taking LSD. One of the results was that they thought they and their reindeer were flying through space, looking down on the world."
Additionally, the doctor claims that Santa's traditional red coat may have been inspired by the bright color of the mushroom.
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Groom-To-Be Swallows Ring in Surprise Proposal
OSLO, Norway - Custom dictates that the man generally proposes to the woman when they are ready to marry, but one Norwegian woman took matters into her own hands and almost killed her fiance.
Janne Grim wanted to surprise her boyfriend by proposing at a Christmas party, so she put his wedding ring in a bowl of porridge. After Svein Froeytland, her beloved, ate the porridge with no reply, Janne sadly figured his answer was no. But he had actually swallowed the ring without realizing it.
"Now I am 24 carats heavier," he said.
He accepted the proposal, and the couple borrowed a ring from one of the guests for the interim. Svein will use the ring from his bride-to-be when it reappears naturally.
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Bah, Humbug! Scrooge You!
LONDON, England - Colin Wood is sick of Christmas and the stress of dealing with his family during the holidays, so he spent $430 to reserve a two-week stay by himself in a decommissioned bunker in Essex.
Tired of holiday cooking, he is shunning the traditional ham and potatoes for a delicious meal of Spam, baked beans, and tap water.
Bunker owner Michael Parrish said, "I gather it's like being in prison without the exercise hour or worse because you can't look out of the prison bars at the sun or the moon."
Wood was one of 50 people to bid on an Internet auction site for the chance to live in a bunker for two weeks. The bunker is complete with blast-proof doors and 10-foot thick concrete.
No chance Santa will get through these barriers. And thank goodness.
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Holiday Spirit Spreads to New York
NEW YORK, New York - A man wearing a red Santa hat passed out $25,000 in $100 bills to strangers over the course of three days. The anonymous giver has been sharing his contagious holiday spirit with strangers for the past 22 years.
The charitable man said he used to be destitute when the owner of a diner in Mississippi gave him a $20 bill. The restaurant owner gave him money "in a way that didn't embarrass me," he said.
Hundreds benefited from the secret Santa's generosity. Macy's security guard James Frazier said, "I was standing on 34th street doing my job and a big guy came up to me and said 'Hi.' I said 'Hi,' and he gave me a $100 bill."
The 19-year-old guard plans on using the money for his newborn son and asked the man "Are you Santa Claus?" To Frazier, he's the real thing.
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Policeman Shoots Off Partner's Penis
PERU - Police Officers Siloe Espinoza and Baiver Ruelas were in the station locker room changing clothes when a horrible penile accident occurred.
Espinoza checked to see if his revolver was loaded and accidentally shot Ruelas in the genitals.
Espinoza gave his fellow officer first aid before panicking, and doctors say the victim is in stable condition.
Reconstructive surgery is being considered. Though it was an accident, an investigation is underway, and Espinoza's gun is being checked for defects.
He is being held in custody until the investigation is complete. A colleague said, "He is absolutely distraught. It was a million-to-one accident that ended up with a man losing his penis."
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After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
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The next time you are stuck on the freeway and frustrated at ANOTHER idiot on the road, remember:
Half the drivers around you have an IQ less than 100.
(I think we can adjust that downwards, here in Kuwait)
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DDL
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
Midst screeches and howls
He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary
there was a young lady called joan,
who went to the dentist alone,
in a fit of depravity,
he filled the wrong cavity,
now she's nursing the filling at home....
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"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
-Bruce Lee
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"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-Quentin Crisp
***
"What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
-Fred Allen
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday January 11, 2002
Glitch sent tax cheques to Lebanon
ST. HELENS, Ore. (AP) -- The bookkeeper at Custom Metal Fab Inc. couldn't understand how the sheet metal company's county tax payment could be delinquent. After all, a bank had cashed the check.
Trouble is, the bank was in Lebanon.
A post office computer glitch apparently sent hundreds of Columbia County tax payments to far-away places, including the Middle East and possibly Colombia, The Daily News of Longview, Wash., reported.
County Finance Director Ruth Baker noticed an unusually large number of delinquent accounts in November -- some 1,400 out of 24,000 tax payments mailed the month before. Several residents and businesses later called the finance office asking why their tax checks had not cleared.
"We sent out delinquent notices asking people to check their statements five months earlier than usual," Baker said. Since then about 225 taxpayers have called, in some cases stopping payment and paying their taxes again without penalty, Baker said.
U.S. Postal Service spokesman Peter Haas blamed the problem in part on a computer glitch in Portland, where St. Helens' mail is sorted and bundled. The glitch has been fixed, and the Postal Service is conducting an investigation, Postal Inspector Larry Dziomba said.