Pet Names
At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?" "Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!" My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.
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National Lampoon (satire)
"-istan" Suffix Taking its Toll, Canada Targeted WASHINGTON — Public support for America's presence in Afghanistan could be losing steam, according to a report tabled before the Senate yesterday. The report, commissioned by the Office of Homeland Security, concludes that overexposure to the "-istan" suffix has desensitized Americans, and consequently rendered them all but indifferent to events unfolding in the Afghan region. The "-istan" suffix, which appears in the names of numerous locations along the Indo-Gangetic plain, has been mercilessly pounded into the American psyche by the media ever since the US began military action in Afghanistan last October. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzistan are examples of the monochromatic Middle Eastern monikers which have numbed America's collective senses as of late. Though news media representatives acknowledge heavy use of the suffix, they say there is little to be done. "We just report the facts," says Glenn Frankel, editor of the Washington Post Magazine, "but I can assure you that everybody around here is sick and tired of hearing about wherever-the-fuck-istan all the goddamn time [sic]." Quipped an agitated Frankel: "I can't -istan it anymore!" Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security, agrees that a "change of scenery" could be a much needed shot in the arm for maintaining public interest in the war on terrorism. "America has a relatively short attention span for weird sounding, far away, foreign places," says Ridge, "and there is no place weirder sounding, farther away, or more foreign than the Middle East." "Unless, of course, you count the Far East," noted Ridge. Public indifference borne of overexposure to world events is not unprecedented, say experts, citing the perpetually stale Israeli-Palestinian conflict which, bored Americans, haven't cared about since one of those early Palestinian rock throwing incidents which lead to Israeli soldiers shooting back, followed by a Palestinian suicide bomber attack which lead to the razing of Palestinian homes by the Israeli Army, followed by another Palestinian rock throwing incident... Nefarious Northern Neighbors? Keeping the war on terrorism fresh and interesting is a top priority for the Office of Homeland Security, and Director Ridge cites that mandate to support his contention that the US should shift its bombing campaign from Afghanistan to Canada. "Canadian society has a rudimentary similarity to our own," says Ridge, "and would be much more satisfying to see destroyed than any alien, stone-age, Middle Eastern nation." Ridge also commented on Canada's curiously introverted demeanor and foreign policy: "So quiet and polite all the time," observed Ridge, "who knows what they could be thinking? I don't trust Canada as far as I could throw it." Director Ridge disregards Canada's apparent lack of complicity in any anti-US sentiment, and it's possible value as an ally, stating that Canada will be most valuable to the US as a morale booster, once annihilated. Canada could not be reached for comment.
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Osama bin Laden typical of "17th Child Syndrome" KRIYADH — While counter-terrorism experts search for motives behind the September 11th attacks, child psychologist Hank Willoughby thinks the reason for bin Laden's actions is clear Ð "17th Child Syndrome." "Bin Laden is suffering from a typical case of the birth-order blues," posited Willoughby. "As the 17th son of more than 50 children, it's perfectly natural that he 'acts out' in ways designed to get attention. Now usually this desire for recognition manifests itself in temper tantrums or failure to use an "inside voice," but an all-consuming hatred of America culminating in repeated acts of mass murder is not out-of-the-ordinary. It's really a cry for help. In his own way, bin Laden is just saying 'love me.'" As evidence, Willoughby notes a traumatic instance from bin Laden's childhood. "Osama was very upset over all the attention his oldest brother, Salem, was receiving from his father, so late one night he 'perm-ed' Salem's hair into an afro right before the school prom. Amazingly, his brother's new hair was a huge hit, and Osama could be seen muttering "Salem, Salem, Salem" disgustedly. Both Osama's father and his oldest brother later died in fiery plane crashes. Willoughby recommends that the United States drastically change its tactics in fighting Al Qaeda. "We need to take a positive approach with bin Laden. Instead of fighting him, we should encourage his identity. Tell him, `You are very special to us because you are a middle child and we love you.'" So far, the Pentagon remains unmoved. "To my knowledge, neither the 'Screaming Eagles' of the 101st Airborne, nor any members of the 15th or 26th Marine Expeditionary Units have received any orders other than to apprehend Osama bin Laden dead or alive," stated General Tommy Franks. "If they bring back his head on a stick, that would be just fine with me." "If bin Laden is killed, it will be extremely hard for him to reach his full potential as human being," retorted Willoughby. "And that would be a shame, because middle children traditionally have excellent social skills and are experts at mediation and compromise. No role so suits a middle child as that of 'peacemaker.'" "Of course, on second thought, he could just be a latent homo," mused Willoughby.
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CNN, NY Times, LA Times & Reuters agree to refer to Terrorists as Really Bad Dudes! Since 9/11, US media outlets have come under fire for refusing to identify either the Al Qaeida Network, Hamas, or Chezbolah as Terrorists, instead consistently referring to them as "Islamic Militants." In what appears to be a compromise, major news sources, after an exhaustive 3 day conference, have finally agreed to refer to Islamic Terrorists as "Really Bad Dudes!" but will go no further in "inflammatory labeling." "We think "Really Bad Dudes" is more consistent with the sentiments of the American people while still sensitive to our Middle Eastern and Third World brothers and sisters," said David Pearl, LA Times Editor-in-Chief. "'Really Bad Dudes', gives a sense that they have done something provocative, dangerous, and possibly criminal but it doesn't show a biased...we don't want to become part of the problem." Reuters Editor in Chief, John McCaffree objected strongly to "Really Bad Dudes." deeming it still "too insensitive to impoverished peoples worldwide." McCaffree lobbied hard for the term "Confused Gun-Toting Muslims," but after nearly 36 hours of filibustering, NY Times Senior Editor Daniel Liebowitz had had enough. According to sources, Liebowitz, drained by the marathon event, completely snapped and threatened to blow up the office if the debate didn't end before the Jets Wild Card game. McCaffree responded to the outburst by calling Liebowitz a "Fucking Zionist Terrorist to even think such a thought." The stunned room fell silent, followed by an awkward moment as McCaffree cleared his throat, apologized to Liebowtiz and cast his vote for "Really Bad Dudes." Other names considered but inevitably thrown out were: "Not-So-Kind-Muslims-With-Guns," "Just-Some-more-Jew-Haters," "Guys Who Tend to Kill," "Meanies," "Darker-People-With-an-Attitude," and "Allah-Touting Gunmen."
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Terrorists Multiplying in the Southeast The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals. The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified the following: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin. We'll keep you posted.
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DDL
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
A young trapeze artist named Bract,
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.
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"As God said in the bible, and I think rightly..." -Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s
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"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, December 28, 2001 "Dead or Alive Party"
HENDERSONVILLE, N.C. (AP) -- A North Carolina motel owner is promising an Osama "Dead or Alive Party." Melton Harrell, owner of the Best Western Hendersonville Inn, says he'll offer the motel's 100 rooms at no charge if alleged terrorist leader Osama bin Laden is killed or captured. He'll also offer free food, drink and entertainment for whoever shows up. Harrell insists his "Dead or Alive Party" isn't some sort of gimmick. "This may be the greatest cause to celebrate in my lifetime," Harrell said, "or at least in my memory, and we felt like this is the best way to share it with the most people."