Daily Dose - 020217 - PARTY IN THE WOODS, BIZARRE NEWS, What are you, DDL, Hey Martha
PARTY IN THE WOODS
Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)
The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!".
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again.
The passenger says, "What did you think of that?"
The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I'm going pretty fast."
All of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old Indian man is looking in the window.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks.
The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.
Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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BIZARRE NEWS........
Bizarre Newspaper Ads
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
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Brit Newscaster Bitch-slapped by Co-Anchor
LONDON - TV newsreader Frank Partridge bruised the cheek of his co-presenter Kay Burley when he slapped her just minutes after the pair finished an afternoon bulletin.
Partridge was said to have been angry that Burley only let him get a few words in as they signed off from the satellite channel.
A source within the station said, "Frank was getting more and more cheesed off because he felt he wasn't getting a fair slice of the action. It sounds petty, but these people have huge egos."
It is rumored that the two once had a relationship. Partridge was hauled before Sky News bosses and could face disciplinary action. Later he was seen in tears as he left the studios in Isleworth, West London.
[Taken from Mirror.co.uk]
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How Many Signs Do You Need to Cancel a Wedding?
KENYA - Alice Chesang and Benjamin Rotich were tentatively about to be married when a nine-foot python slithered into the church, almost ruining the ceremony.
This was not the only bad sign for the nuptials. Alice almost called off the wedding when her honey bought her a "cheap" wedding dress, and she almost refused to accept the transportation he arranged to go to the ceremony, calling it "junk".
They had finally decided to proceed with the union when the python appeared.
Many guests fled the scene, and one person broke his collar bone when he tried to hurt the python but missed. The couple only still married at the insistence of the priest.
Immediately after saying "I do", the couple removed their wedding bands and discarded them. That marriage lasted longer than most Hollywood nuptials.
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Prisoners Riot Over Underdone Chicken
PELHAM, Georgia - At Autry State Prison, one inmate was enraged when he thought his chicken dinner was underdone. And a mass riot ensued.
The prison staff put the facility on lock down for two hours and kept the irate inmates on one floor. In the short riot, inmates broke lights, damaged sprinkler heads, set fire to mattresses, and broke windows.
It took 36 tactical squad members to force the inmates back into their cells, but no injuries were reported. Scott Stallings, a spokesman for the Georgia Department of Corrections said, "It appears it was just his complaint about the chicken. But you'd be surprised how things we might consider insignificant on the outside can be a real problem in a prison setting. These are tough people. They're not in prison for making rational and evenhanded decisions."
An investigation is underway.
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Police Notice Increase in Guns in Canadian Schools
QUEBEC - A police officer who went to an elementary school to talk to children may need a lesson on firearm safety. The Quebec City police officer visited the school's washroom and put his loaded revolver on the back of the toilet. He then forgot it and left.
A seven-year-old boy found the weapon, and had the good sense to notify a teacher.
The school has criticized the police for bringing weapons into the classrooms, but a police spokesman said, "A gun is an obligatory tool of the trade," and went on to comment that he himself was once criticized for entering a church funeral service with his gun in a holster.
He said there's a good side to the mislaid-gun story: the seven-year-old didn't pick it up.
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Woman Arrested for Cat Freezing
FLORIDA - Neighbors couldn't walk past Audrey Weed's house without almost gagging. Finally the smell became too much, and they called the police.
After searching the woman's home, police found dozens of dead cats in her freezer. They found 31 kittens and 36 cats in her refrigerator and freezer and 24 cats and one dog were alive, but neglected.
Weed has been charged with 92 counts of animal neglect. This came as a surprise because Weed herself is a volunteer for a local animal rescue group and was formerly a police animal control officer.
According to neighbors, she kept rescuing more and more abandoned animals, but could not cope. A fellow volunteer with Pets in Distress said, "Her heart got too big. Audrey has done this on her own. She picked up a lot of pets on her own. She was trying to do the right thing."
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What are you?
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you When, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism without resentment
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a dog.
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DDL
I dated some twins, one named Dinah,
The other was called Evelina...
Conjoined at the clit
They cared not a whit,
'Twas up to you, either vagina.
There was a young maid of Klepper
Went out one night with a stepper,
And now in dismay
She murmurs each day,
"His pee-pee was made of red-pepper!"
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"Every night I tell myself, 'I'm going to dream about my girl, I'm going to dream about my girl.' But it's always ham hocks."
--320 pound NFL player Nate Newton
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"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'"
-Steven Wright
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, January 04, 2002
Amish boy charged with drunk driving
HONEY BROOK, Pa. (AP) -- A 16-year-old Amish boy has been charged with drunken driving for crashing a horse-drawn buggy into a car on Christmas, police said.
State police said Thursday that the boy drove into the path of a car in Honey Brook, about 40 miles west of Philadelphia. They said Monnie Shemonski, of Dillsburg, was driving the car. There were no injuries.
The teen, who was not identified, will be prosecuted through county juvenile authorities.