Daily Dose - 020216 - THE STUTTER, National Lampoon, siblings, inhieritance, DDL, Hey Martha

THE STUTTER

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"

The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "NNNNope.....AAAA ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!

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National Lampoon (satire)

"Greatest" Scores Knockout in Ali - Frazier IV

In the most anticipated boxing match of the new millennium, Muhammad Ali, who swore that he would never fight again, scored an 11th round knockout against his career nemesis Joe Frazier. Ali, who showed virtually none of his past skills and only managed to throw one punch the entire bout, brilliantly called on his former strategy, the rope-a-dope, to the dismay of his trainer Angelo Dundee and to the horror of the 120,000 screaming fans, to defeat Frazier.

Incapable of defending himself, Ali leaned shaking against the ropes as a vicious, buff 58 year old Frazier pummeled the former 3 time champ relentlessly for 11 straight rounds landing nearly 2700 punches to Ali's head. Astonishingly, the champ took the punishment and by the 11th Frazier showed signs of punching himself out.

And then it happened: forever to be called "the shot." Frazier, after falling into the ropes with a feeble attempt at a right hook, turned slowly, wobbly, only to face an odd, jittery right hook to the jaw. Like a deer in headlights, the stunned Frazier saw the punch coming but was too shocked to defend himself; it landed and he immediately hit the floor. It was Ali's only time, he had stepped away from the ropes since the opening bell. Some at ringside believed that Ali was on his way back to his corner for some more Parkinson's medication and that the blow most likely was an involuntary muscle spasm.

Still, fight experts and ringside doctors were perplexed that the champ didn't succumb to any of Frazier's blows. But within hours of the fight a consensus had been reached that Ali's debilitating physical ailments was his biggest ally. "Apparently, the parts of his brain that would be effected by such relentless blows are already dead from the pounding suffered during previous fights," said Dr. Trent Mitchell with the Nevada Boxing Committee. "Combine this with the vicious onslaught of Parkinson's Disease and you basically have a rag doll out there, incapable of really getting hurt."

Frazier's camp has already disputed the knockout claiming that after careful review of the video tape, Ali was actually knocked out in the 4th round but it wasn't called. The video shows an unconscious Ali, whose face is so swollen that his eyes are completely closed, hanging onto the ropes because he accidentally got one of his glove laces wrapped around the corner of the ring.

But the big question is why? Why did the world's most recognizable man put himself through this one more time. "It just didn't matter to Muhammad to take this kind of punishment, he already can't speak, can barely walk, so what's going to happen to him. If he's still standing, he walks off...I mean gets carried off with 28 million dollars. If he dies, he leaves a huge sum of cash to his wife, children and numerous international charities. It's a win-win," said long time trainer, Angelo Dundee.

*********

Companies line up to hire Arthur Andersen

NEW YORK - Accounting firm Arthur Andersen stunned observers when, in the wake of the Enron scandal, the red-faced auditors reported a huge leap in new business.

"We were worried that the allegations of signing off on fake partnerships, covering up millions in losses and shredding documents would tarnish our image," stated Andersen CEO Joseph Berardino. "But it turns out that a lot of companies have seen that we here at Arthur Andersen are willing to go the extra mile for their business."

Business experts agree.

"There are a lot companies, particularly on the NASDAQ, that could stand to have $600 million in bogus profits right now," noted Mike Farnsworth, CEO of Temblor Telecommunications. "It makes management look good."

"Look, most of my compensation is based on options," continued Farnsworth. "Why would I hire an accounting firm that might insist on the spirit of the law, when I could hire Arthur Andersen and cash out? Those guys are pros! When I saw that guy [David Duncan] refuse to testify in front of Congress, I knew that the boys at Andersen had balls. There's no 'I' in 'Team' with them."

The rest of the big 5 accounting firms have taken note.

"At KPMG, we're not just a rubberstamp," stated Global Chairman Stephen Butler. "We're a respected rubberstamp."

Farnsworth is unmoved. "I'm going to stand in front of all my employees this afternoon and tell them that there's no better time to buy our stock, even though at the same time, I'll be dumping my shares faster than I ditched my second wife. The only reason I can do this is because I can rest-assured that the $500 million of debt hidden in off-shore partnerships will be just between me and Arthur Andersen."

"Every time they invoke the 5th Amendment, they prove they're a name I can trust," finished Farnsworth.

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Reformed Drunk Claims Bruise on Eye Came From "Pretzel Injury"

BRUNSWICK, NJ - To most Americans, when an ex-alcoholic shows up sporting a large bruise under his eye that he got while watching a football game, it's a sign that he's slipped off the wagon. But according to Carl Williams, a 55-year-old President of an high-profile company, "I passed out because I swallowed a pretzel wrong."

Williams' friends are skeptical.

"Yeah, right, a pretzel!" scoffed Bill Green, an ex-fraternity brother of Williams. "There's not a day goes by that someone I know doesn't end up really hurt from a pretzel. I don't know why they sell those things. There should be special pretzel stores where they card people to make sure a kid doesn't get his hands on a Rold Gold."

His sarcasm spent, Mr. Green shook his head. "A pretzel."

"Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little of the toot-toot involved," added Green. "I mean, Carl reeeeeeeeally liked to party."

Business associates note that Williams's job was causing him great pressure, and suspect that the stress may have caused him to begin drinking again.

"When Williams took over as President, it was between him and another guy," stated corporate analyst Richard Bloomberg. "And a lot of the company felt that he ended up with the job only because of nepotism. His father had been president, and his brother was pretty high up on the board."

"Then to top it all off, the company started to tank right after he took over," continued Bloomberg. "I mean it was pretty ugly. It's a tough position to put an ex-drunk in. Not that that lets Williams off the hook for his little 'episode.'"

Williams, however, is sticking to his story. "I'm not a drunk! Any doctor can tell you - strong coughing can bring on a black-out. Honest!"

"It's true," agreed Dr. Frederick Snipes reluctantly. "Fainting spells, or vasovagal syncopes, can be caused by coughing spells. Of course, they can also happen when a man under great stress who used to be an alcoholic starts drinking beers again while watching a football game. I'm not saying the other happened, I just wouldn't rule anything out."

"But, of course, maybe I shouldn't be so cynical," continued Snipes. "Look at President Bush. He was an ex-alcoholic and he had the bad luck to swallow a pretzel, so it does happen."

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As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the Little Johnny piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

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The Math Prof. posed this problem:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

A student in the back of the room answered, "A lawyer?"

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DDL

Roxanne was a cat burglar's daughter,
Stealing diamonds the way he had taught her.
Having hid the hot rocks
In a pouch up her box,
She would relish the search if they caught her.

Lil married a rich old geezer
But the old dude just couldn't please her.
So she slipped him Viagra,
Then he flowed like Niagara,
And screwed 'til he died from the seizure.

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A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

***

"Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it."
-Tim Bedore

***

"According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten..."

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, January 17, 2002

Pet lizards eat dead owner

By RANDALL CHASE-- The Associated Press

DOVER, Del. (AP) -- Several flesh-eating pet lizards were found feasting on the corpse of their owner in his apartment, police said.

Police were called to Ronald Huff's apartment in Newark, Del., on Wednesday after a relative became worried because Huff failed to show up for work, investigators said.

Officers found Huff's body on the floor, with his pet Nile monitor lizards feeding on his flesh. The state medical examiner is investigating the cause of death.

Huff, 42, had last been seen Sunday, New Castle County police said.

Workers with the Delaware Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals recovered seven lizards, the largest measuring 6 feet long and weighing 25 pounds.

"They're alive and well," said SPCA director John Caldwell. He added that one of the reptiles recovered was acting aggressively, "actually going toward you, mouth open."

Caldwell said the lizards have small but very sharp teeth and muscular, whip-like tails that can seriously injure a person. In the wild, they eat eggs, birds and other animals, he said.

"In captivity, we feed them raw chicken and liver. You can also feed them hard-boiled eggs," he said.

The SPCA will try to place the lizards with zoos or educational groups, Caldwell said. Barring that, they will be euthanized.

The lizards are considered exotic pets in Delaware and cannot be acquired without a permit from the state Department of Agriculture.

State veterinarian Dr. H.W. Towers said the department stopped issuing such permits for New Castle County residents in 1997 after the county passed an ordinance to stop the proliferation of exotic pets.

Caldwell said he was told that Huff was granted an exotic pet permit several years ago. Towers said he didn't know, however, if Huff had permits for all the lizards.

"If somebody had come for seven monitor lizards, somebody would have said something to me," Towers said.