Daily Dose - 020213 - sixteenth tee, BIZARRE NEWS, braggart, Elijah the Prophet, DDL, Hey Martha

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

_____________________________

BIZARRE NEWS........

Bizarre Revenge

After his wife left him, spurned husband Donald Niblett wrecked their home with a bulldozer, causing damage in excess of 15,000 English pounds.

In 1988, an Egyptian belly-dancer paid back her unfaithful husband by going on a massive spending spree with his credit card totaling $46,000 before flying to his villa in France and smashing the place up.

A married pilot dismissed his mistress from his London apartment. The young woman agreed to leave but asked for a day to pack her belongings. When he returned from an overseas flight he found the phone off the hook. His mistress had made a long distance call to the speaking clock in Washington D.C.

A housewife, distraught over her husband's unfaithfulness, decided to throw herself out of the window of their third floor apartment. She didn't realize her husband was walking beneath. She survived, he did not.

**********

Repeat Voyeur Uses Sneakercam at Church

TAMPA, Florida - "Peep Shoe" voyeur Daniel Searfross has struck again. Searfross was originally arrested on New Year's Eve for wiring a camera hidden in his shoe so he could video tape under women's skirts. The case was called "sneakercam", and the voyeur was sentenced to a year probation.

Searfross couldn't control his voyeuristic habits, though, and was arrested again for using the device at a flea market. Once again on probation, Searfross took his fun and games to a new level. This time, he hooked up the video camera on his sneaker to look up women's skirts at church and even at his parole office.

He is currently in jail on a $75,000 bond. Circuit Judge Walker R. Heinrich said, "I tell you, there's something that just rubs me wrong when you're on probation and you're doing this offence."

***********

Virus Writers Nabbed

You thought it would never happen. Those insidious computer viruses that paralyze computers and ruin lives have to be written by someone, but the shadowy villains are rarely, if ever, even identified, much less prosecuted.

That changed earlier this week when Israeli police arrested the creators of the "Goner" worm which wreaked havoc on tens of thousands of personal computers and communications networks around the world.

And the identity of the evil geniuses behind the worm? Four snot-nosed teenagers who wrote the virus as a game to disable each others computers.

If convicted, the teens could face a jail sentence of up to five years.

***********

Baker's Secret Ingredient Lands Him in Jail

AVILA, Spain - A baker and habitual drug user threw a dinner party for friends and surprised them with a special dessert.

The 29-year-old baker put hashish in the cake and gave it to his guests without telling them about the secret ingredient. The friends soon began feeling sick and had to be taken to the hospital.

In the meantime, the baker was detained by the police and later released. According to police, he will be officially charged with harming public health.

***********

Man Becomes Aroused Vacuuming and Loses Part of Penis

ITALY - A 63-year-old Italian man was vacuuming and decided to watch a porn tape to keep him entertained.

Strike one. He became so aroused that he put his penis into the vacuum cleaner and part of it was chopped off by the cleaner's fan.

Strike two. He hastily put the severed part into the freezer as he called an ambulance for help. He carried the separate piece to the hospital wrapped in a newspaper where he told doctors he had cut it off when shaving his pubic hair.

Officials alerted the police anyway. Police later found blood on the man's vacuum, and he finally admitted how this happened.

The severed piece was reattached during surgery, but doctors don't expect it to function properly again. Strike three.

***********

Michigan Woman Sex Slave to Dentist

A 26-year-old woman from Farmington Hills, MI got more than a cleaning when she went to her dentist back in November.

After the appointment the dentist charmed her into having dinner with him, but once he got her into his apartment he allegedly drugged her and held her captive from November 1 to December 10.

Police found the dazed woman after she made a 911 call from the apartment. Detectives searched the dentist's apartment, office and car. They confiscated about a dozen videotapes, including videos of the 44-year-old man engaging in sex acts with the victim who is described as appearing drugged.

***********

Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives

"Society is safe again," announced police officer William Foster, following the capture of a pet rabbit that had terrorized the town of Ashland, Massachusetts.

AP reports that "Snowball", who is described as being "about the size of a big kitten," had attacked three adults and a child in the past two weeks.

_______________________

At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India.

"What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
_____________________________

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

_____________________________

DDL

I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes

The jury convicted poor Dolly
Of a crime they called sexual folly.
Though she proved that her rape
Was performed by an ape,
What she bore looked much more like a collie.

_____________________________

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-Jay Leno

***

"They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative. I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock aerobics class?" Clear as a bell my body said, "do it and die."
-Unknown

***

"I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things."
--Bill Cosby

___________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Haggis to fly in Calgary sky

By CHRIS GERRITSEN-- Calgary Sun

CALGARY -- Can Calgary stomach a haggis being launched across the mighty Bow River? We'll find out Saturday when Calgary's Gordon Sinclair of Gordon's Fine Meats tries, for the first time, to shoot a haggis clear across the Bow River using his new patented Haggis Launcher.

Sinclair makes his haggis from Alberta beef chuck or venison, liver, traditional toasted Scotch oats and special spices stuffed into a beef casing. He's also working on a veggie haggis as well.

"Haggis has come a long way," says Sinclair, who hopes his haggis flies a long way.

Last year, Sinclair merely threw the haggis into the Bow in celebration of Robert Burns Day. This year will be different.

"You live and learn," laughs Sinclair. "We never give up. It's in the blood."

Sinclair says he has his fingers crossed the haggis will reach the other side. However, there's another element to the launch Sinclair is still working on.

"The only challenge I have now is the dog," says Sinclair. "If we reach the other side, the goal is for the dog to retrieve it and bring it back to me."

Sinclair says a haggis weighs 2 or 3 lb., but he'll make the "launching haggis" about a 1 lb.-er so the dog can get it in his mouth.

This annual trek to the Bow River is in support of Sinclair's Robert Burns Night Charity Fundraiser happening Jan. 25 at the Hospitality Inn.

Sinclair chooses a new charity to support every year. This year, money will go toward the Alberta Playwriting Competitions -- a worthy cause to Sinclair.

"The biggest challenge is to find someone willing to work and not just sit there and collect the cash," says Sinclair. "These guys are willing to work. I also think it's a good thing for Calgary. We all need to be entertained."