Daily Dose - 020212 - Terrorism, BIZARRE NEWS, RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say, DDL, Hey Martha
Terrorism in the Southeastern United States
The governors of Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Mississippi, and Tennessee would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals.
The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS
So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified the following:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
We'll keep you posted.
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BIZARRE NEWS....
REAL T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
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Court Comes to Decision in Sperm Donor Case
STOCKHOLM - In an indirect admonition to "keep it in your pants" no matter what, a court in Sweden has ruled that a man who donated sperm for artificial insemination must pay child support.
The ruling came after the unhappy couple, a pair of Swedish lesbians, ended their ten-year relationship leaving the care of their three children in question. Normally, sperm donors are strictly anonymous and not liable for children conceived with their semen, while in this case the man was a friend of the couple and his identity as the father is in no doubt.
[Clearly not THAT good of a friend.]
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Would-Be Robbers Dejectedly Leave After Being Ignored
BELGIUM - A gang of three would-be armed robbers entered a bowling hall with high hopes of a good score.
The hall was so busy and packed with customers that no one even heard the robbers demands. As they shouted a demand for money from the till and waved their rifles, employees kept serving the customers and filling drinks.
One server said, "We were so busy...we had really no time to find out what they wanted. It was only after they left and one visitor asked why they were wearing weapons, we realized they were robbers."
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Erotic Christ Play Lands Couple in Jail
SANTIAGO - In an effort to illustrate to people how "worth-less" their lives are, Maria Barrios, 21, and Luis Guzman, 26, were arrested for public indecency. The couple performed an erotic play about Christ just outside a Santiago cathedral.
Wearing a see-through dress, Barrios began seducing Guzman as he was acting Christ's role on the cross. According to Guzman, he was so aroused that he dropped his pants to reveal his manhood to the audience. He told a newspaper that "Dropping my trousers isn't in the script. It was a moment of pure inspiration."
The police didn't see it that way, however, and the couple faces prison time for their acts of indecency.
Guzman explained the performances as a "form of protest. We try and show people that life is worthless. That's the most pure art."
Others would call it porn.
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Romanian Students Up to Ears With Cockroaches
ROMANIA - The students at Bacau University should have cooperated when specialists wanted to disinfect their dorm rooms during the summer. Instead, they refused to let them into their quarters, and some are now paying the price.
One 20-year-old student named Maria P couldn't get rid of a bad headache and went to the doctor for advice. The doctor discovered a cockroach had crawled into her ear and died.
For this, the student should be thankful according to the doctor. Dr. Zenovia Dumbrava said, "The girl was lucky it died otherwise she could have lost her hearing."
In a similar situation, a student named Ana N. thought she had a common cold. She said, "I thought I'd caught a cold. When I blew my nose a cockroach came out. It was awful."
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"Take Me To Your Union Leader."
LAS VEGAS - Has the United States government subcontracted the security of its most top-secret installation to rent-a-cops?
70 security guards known as the "camo dudes" walked off their jobs Monday in Las Vegas and at the covert base known as Area 51 where, rumor has it, the military keeps all of the flying saucers that crash across the country.
When asked if he worked at Area 51, union President Vernell Hall said he can't talk about it. "Use your imagination," was his only comment. Hall said the association's members decided to go on strike after three months of negotiations for a new contract.
They want $16 instead of $15 per hour to guard the nations secrets.
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The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:
R: You're the one
W: Next.
R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?
R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.
R: What colour are your eyes?
W: What colour do you want to paint the baby's room?
R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.
R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.
R: I love you.
W: I love you.
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DDL
Young Marian don't seem to like
The thought of a poke from my pike,
So until "when" or "if",
I'll just have to sniff,
The saddle attached to her bike.
Go ahead, Tiddy dear, take a whiff---
It's okay to have you a sniff;
But there won't be no jokes
If it's caught in the spokes,
So beware if your dangler gets stiff!!!
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"I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what on EARTH did he think he was doing?"
-Billy Connolly
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car."
--Steven Wright
***
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Bomb entered in science fair
KIOWA, Colo. (AP) -- Police removed an inert bomb from a high school science fair and school officials suspended the teacher who allegedly assigned the project to a student.
The device could not explode, but the student had the ingredients necessary to make a live bomb and instructions on how to use it, said Mike Knight, a district attorney's office spokesman.
Gregory Kruthaupt, superintendent of the Kiowa School District, said the teacher was placed on paid administrative leave pending the outcome of an investigation.
The suspended teacher, whose name was not released by officials, and the student were the only ones who knew about the project, Kruthaupt said. An anonymous phone call alerted police.
A school investigation will determine whether punishment for the 17-year-old student is appropriate.
"The safety of any students or staff at the school was never in danger as a result of the project," Kruthaupt said.