Daily Dose - 020210 - MISSING ROOSTER, DUMBEST DEATHS, good bagel, DDL, Hey Martha
MISSING ROOSTER
A priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the church stood up.
"No, no, no... what I mean is... has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the nuns stood up!
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DUMBEST DEATHS IN HISTORY
How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.
Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.
On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
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Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century.
His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition
-- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.
His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
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Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
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Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century.
A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
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Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show," while discussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only
72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January
1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
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Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.
An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
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Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running,"
which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
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And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th- century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.
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A tourist from Germany is visiting NYC. He stops in for breakfast at a NYC Deli and gets a bagel with Cream Cheese.
After taking a bit the tourist states: "This is delicious! You can't get a good bagel in Germany!"
..and the deli guy answers: "Well, who's fault is that?!"
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DDL
There was a young fellow named Chick
Who fancied himself rather slick.
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
But a big velvet bow round his prick.
"It's true," confessed Jane, Lady Torres,
"That often I beg lifts in lorries.
When the men stop to piss
I see things that I miss
When I travel alone in my Morris."
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Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
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Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
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A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
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A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
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My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
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My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
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My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
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I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
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He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
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Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
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Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
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HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
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Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Bush fainting good news says pretzel maker
BLUFFTON, Ind. (AP) -- An Indiana pretzel maker is putting a positive twist on President Bush's pretzel-induced fainting spell, seeing it as a product endorsement of sorts.
"Well, we're happy that the president likes pretzels," said Bill Huggins, a spokesman for Bluffton-based Pretzels Inc., whose pretzels are distributed under several brand names.
Bush fainted briefly while watching football on television in the White House residence Sunday, an attack apparently brought on by a drop in heart rate during a coughing spell caused by choking on a pretzel.
The Alexandria, Va.-based Snack Food Association sees a silver lining in the president's pretzel plight.
"First, let me say that we're grateful that the president is all right," spokeswoman Ann Wilkes said. "But we're also glad to know that he enjoys savory snacks."
The association is fielding so many journalists' inquiries that a receptionist responded to a call Monday from The News-Sentinel of Fort Wayne by saying, "Is this about a pretzel?"