Daily Dose - 020209 - world's smartest woman, LEGAL MORON LAWSUITS, privacy, dumb glacier, DDL, Hey Martha

One night a Delta twin engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were 5 people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Hillary Clinton, the Pope, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Ladies & Gentlemen, I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are 4 parachutes I have one of them."

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Hey guys" he said "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute." With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door into the night.

Hillary Clinton rose, said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest woman. The world needs smart women to lead all you little people, because you miserable scum do not have the brains to do so. The world's smartest woman should have a parachute too" She grabbed one, and out she jumped.

The Pope and the hippie looked at one another. Finally the Pope spoke, "My son, I have lived a satisfying life, I have known the bliss of the True God every day at Mass. You have your life ahead of you; you take the last parachute; I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, Pope. The world's smartest woman just jumped out wearing my backpack."

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LEGAL MORON LAWSUITS

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates from 1997 through last year.

All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and show (in the good old USA) with the proper attorney and right jury you could be awarded anything!
(O.J. had to wait for his second trial to get his financial comeuppance.
That was perhaps a rarity of "justice." The below are not rare; just plain outrageous.)

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his the car's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard with Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. (Date missing): And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed.

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Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

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On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out myself. I spotted our location and found the name of the ice mass.

It was called, just as he'd said, "Sumdum Glacier."

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DDL

There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who got on a red bus in Ealing
The sign said on the door
Do not spit on the floor
So she stood up and spat on the ceiling

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose;
And I watched fascinated
As Rose masturbated
Herself with the tip of her nose.

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"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment."
--Tom Hertz

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"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."
--Don Quinn

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, January 07, 2002

Men lined up for "Star Wars" already

SEATTLE (AP) -- The new "Star Wars" movie doesn't open until May 16, but John Guth and Jeff Tweiten already have their spots in line.

Guth, 32, and Tweiten, 24, took their places outside the Cinerama theater on Jan. 1. They plan to wait there, taking snooze breaks in sleeping bags or a nearby van, for more than four months, until the curtain opens on "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones."

The pair is undeterred by the fact that even Cinerama management doesn't yet know whether the movie will play at the theater.

Guth is president of the Seattle Star Wars Society and Tweiten is one of the club's roughly 1,200 members.

Guth said donations from society members cover food costs. They're killing time in line reading, watching movies on a portable DVD player and talking to people waiting for more current fare.

"I admire their enthusiasm for the movie, but as it's been proven in the past, everyone who wants to see this or any other film will be able to get tickets for it," said Brian Callaghan, spokesman for General Cinema, which manages the Cinerama.

And if the movie should open elsewhere locally?

"Then we'll go there," Guth said.