Daily Dose - 020205 - LOVE NOTE, National Lampoon, BOY BAND SYNDROME, DDL, Hey Martha

LOVE NOTE?

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon as you appear, I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out..... You friggen mosquito!

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National Lampoon (satire)

Money Found to be Effective Treatment Against Cancer

A new study funded by the National Cancer Institute (NCI) has found that receiving a check for $100,000 was three times more likely to reduce tumor size than giving patients expensive chemo-therapy or radiation treatments.

"I feel like a million bucks," said Tyler Colinsworth, recovering from stage 3 melanoma and recently back from a three week Caribbean cruise. Colinsworth, like many trial study volunteers, have reported a greater sense of well being since the research program began in 1999. "I’m going to Vegas next week… yeah, I’m a little weak… alright, I’m very weak but it’s Mandalay Bay for God sakes! I can’t wait!," said Colinsworth.

"This proves, what we suspected all along -- cash is king," said NCI research fellow, Dr. Wayne Silverstein.

Dr. Silverstein, frustrated by the meager results produced by the government’s multi billion dollar, 27 year old, War on Cancer, was struck with the idea for the program three years ago: "It was late one night, and I was just wrapping-up a $12 million study, where we continually poured Windex over a Raccoon’s genitals and then swabbed the resulting tumors with a combination of Bic Lighter Fluid and the substance contained in Pop Rocks and then it just hit me… what are we doing? We’re spending all this money for what? Cancer rates are still soaring. Then I remembered what my dad always taught me, ‘money cures all ills’ and that was it."

The breakthrough treatment, medicinally known as the Big Check, has performed miraculously since trials began last fall. Harold Samms, diagnosed last year with pancreatic cancer and given only three months to live, is doing fine now after receiving nothing but $100,000. "I feel no pain. I know it’s there but there is something about driving around town in a new Porsche with the ladies that seems to make it all go away. I feel like I’ve been reborn."

Cancer researchers are not completely sure why this new treatment is so effective. One popular theory speculates that the greatest yearning in life is to make a lot of money; a goal most people never achieve. It appears that this unfulfilled, innate desire is a constant stress on the organs and connective tissue. When the Big Check is introduced, the cancer victim appears to immediately respond and an unknown enzyme is released from the thymus gland; currently labeled the "Holy shit, I’m rich!" enzyme. These enzymes seem to induce feelings of invincibility in the patient. Doctors believe this hubris is on a cellular level too. The immune system somehow is tricked into believing that it’s more powerful or superior than the spreading cancer cells and goes into action intimidating them.

"We must find a way to get this treatment out there! Many people are dieing needlessly," said Dr. Silverstein.

NCI, which receives $3 Billion annually from the Federal Government, has begun to lay off thousands in an attempt to pull back there staff to just 12. "We don’t need much, just a few clerks around to read some doctor’s notes and send checks in the mail. It couldn’t be easier," said Dr. Silverstein.

Unfortunately for Silverstein he was laid off first. "It been tough, these few months, especially finding work. I’m struggling and my health appears to be suffering. I seem to have a first stage carcinoma on my left cheek here — you see it. I know its there. Here, feel it. You see how it’s raised a bit. I’m seeing a dermatologist friend tomorrow," said Silverstein.

The following week Dr. Silverstein received a Big Check and is reported to be doing much better.

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Gov't Tells Greenpeace, PETA to "Knock-it-off"

WASHINGTON -- Due to the tragic events of September 11th, the resulting "war on terrorism" and the recent anthrax scare, the Bush administration has formally asked that the Greenpeace and PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) organizations "knock it off for awhile."

"Listen, we're all for animals, clean air and nature, but just not now," explained Christie Todd Whitman, head of the Environmental Protection Agency. "So give it a rest."

Her request came Wednesday morning as a number of Greenpeace demonstrators were gathering outside the White House gates to protest the construction of a small dam in the Pacific Northwest. A dam, which according to volunteer Tad Hartfelt, "Seriously threatens the spawning patterns of various species of salmon in some of the regions more delicate lakes and streams!"

And while Hartfelt and the others realize the seriousness of the September 11th attacks, they maintain that it is because of those events that Greenpeace has to work twice as hard to open America's eyes.

"Obviously terrorism is horrible, but now try and imagine a world fifty or sixty years from now in which your grandchildren's children have no streams to fish!" said volunteer Judith Branworth who was, herself, dressed like a salmon.

Taking time out of her schedule to greet the protesters in person, Whitman then tried to patiently explain how the government has a "limited number of resources and needs to prioritize their to do list in order to effectively affect change."

Her comments, however, fell largely on deaf ears.

But it wasn't until a PETA spokeswoman/fashion model, who had locked herself in a cage to protest something about animals, pointed at Whitman and called her the "most dangerous animal of all," that the former governor of New Jersey lost her cool.

"Okay, you wanna know what's on my plate? - anthrax, mustard gas, nuclear weapons, hijackings, car bombs, letter bombs, computer viruses, oil spills, suicide bombers, dead babies!" she shouted. "And really really really far down that list are your precious fucking animals!"

The White House has since tapered these remarks with a "no comment."

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Pentagon suffers from bad Feng Shui; China offers to help

WASHINGTON - The Pentagon is one of the most distinctive landmarks in American architecture. But according to Chinese Feng Shui experts, it's also one of the most poorly designed.

"Traditional Feng Shui practice dictates that buildings should be rectangular," noted China's most-respected Feng Shui practitioner, Master Wen Ho Lee. "Any other odd shapes, such as triangular or oval shapes, are deemed unlucky. A pentagon is right out of the question!"

"All the Chi energy gets trapped in long corridors going around and around," continued Master Lee. "Not only that, but there is a distinct emphasis on Yang ("male") energy, at the decided expense of Yin ("female") energy. It's completely out of balance. To me, it's no surprise that the Tailhook scandal happened, just based on the design of this building alone. Without significant changes, it is doomed to be a sinkhole of negative, war-like emotions"

But don't write off the Pentagon just yet.

In a goodwill gesture designed to alleviate recent tensions between the two Superpowers, China today offered to lend Master Lee's services to the United States in a bilateral effort to help restore harmony to the Pentagon.

"I can see some very obvious areas where the flow of chi energy could be improved dramatically," declared Master Wen Ho Lee. "For one thing, I would eliminate the elaborate metal detectors and security systems and replace them with wind chimes. For another, there is far too much clutter, especially near the so-called 'sensitive' areas. I would need to take a team of specialists in to clear out some of the mess."

"Most importantly," continued Master Lee, "Since the five sides of the Pentagon represent the 5 branches of military service (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines Coast Guard), I would eliminate the US Air Force, thus allowing the building to be redesigned into a far more auspicious rectangle shape surrounded by seated Buddha fountains.

When asked by reporters whether he was any relation to the Los Alamos scientist suspected of stealing nuclear secrets, Master Lee stated: "Oops! I mean, no. Definitely not. How dare you!"

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BOY BAND SYNDROME

Three midgets are in a bar arguing. The first midget says, "I have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second midget says, "I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third says, "I have the smallest penis in the world!"

Well, they keep arguing for a few more minutes and finally the bartender says, "I know, why don't you three just go to the Guinness Book of World Record's headquarters and settle it there."

So, they do. The first midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and states, "I do have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and exclaims, "I do have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third midget goes in and comes back out with a glum look on his face. The first midget asks, "Didn't you have the smallest penis in the world?"

The third midget says, "No, and who the fuck are the Backstreet Boys?"

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DDL

Sing a song of sexpants,
Trousers all a-bulge
4 & 20 blackbirds longing to indulge
When the flies were opened
The girls began to sing
What a dainty morsel, even for a king!

There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin!

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"Michael Jackson was a little black boy, now he's a big white woman....that shows you that you can be anything you want to be!"

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"Men had to be made after women. If it were the other way around Why would men have nipples?"

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There are a lotta self help tapes out there. Got one called, "How to Handle Disappointment." I got it home and the box was empty.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, November 19, 2001

Man creates own biodiesel

MINOT, N.D. (AP) -- All those drums of vegetable oil have people wondering what Chuck Ranum is cooking up in his garage.

Ranum has been experimenting since last fall with a homemade recipe for biodiesel. He expects to heat his home with it this winter, and he already has been running his 1983 diesel van on the processed oil.

"I don't ever expect to be diesel-powered again," he said.

Last fall, he started collecting grease from the kitchen of St. Aloisius Medical Center in Harvey, where he heads the respiratory care department.

Following instructions in a book, he set up a processing lab in his garage and began making test batches. Last spring, he tried some in his house furnace.

Heating his home with biodiesel won't be a big money-saver over fuel oil, but it's more environmentally friendly, Ranum said.

Plus, biodiesel doesn't have a strong odor as fuel oil does.

"My van, when it's running, smells like french fries or doughnuts," Ranum said.