Daily Dose - 020202 - IN THE MILITARY, Rotten News, jury duty, DDL, Hey Martha
One for all our American friends....
IN THE MILITARY
So you want to be in the military now?!?! Please read carefully and take to heart. Pay close attention to #13. If you were in the military you will understand them all but especially 13. We know current affairs of our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. Even though their intentions are good, and they may very possibly make it into the service, there are some things we need to clear up/get straight first:
1) Next time you see someone (an adult) talking during the playing/singing of the National Anthem.....kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning an American Flag in protest...kick their ass. If you see this on television, as many of us have, you are simply required to have a deep burning suddenly arise inside of you....then go and kick their ass. Our Forefathers didn't intend freedom of speech to be the "get out of jail free" card for an act of a traitor.
3) Regardless of the rank they maintained while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked.
(Veterans are exempt from this rule)
5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back.....a Marine will kick their ass.
6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them "Do you fly a jet?". You are ignorant if you ask this. A Marine will be called to kick your ass. (children are exempt)
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper....it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh and sooner or later, your ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her and the military member or Veteran lucky enough to carry her. Your stupid funnel cake will forgive you if you stand for 5 minutes with your hand over your heart. You might as well be throwing the funnel cake at the flag if you don't stand.....of course, either will earn you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did about Vietnam makes her the enemy....hate her or else. (ass will be kicked)
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member. We might vote as separate parties, but that doesn't mean we don't all bleed the same. We are, simply put, Americans. Our military Chain of Command, to include our Commander in Chief...the President... (for those who didn't know) is all that we acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. I can see him kicking your ass already.
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me....stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick you in the ass with them!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists. So stop saying, "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me......if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know. So I can kick their ass.
13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas that you enjoy with family and friends, there are thousands of troops overseas longing for just a taste of homemade pumpkin pie or fresh egg-nog and turkey. Wanting just one hug on a Christmas morning from a loved one. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they are making every day.
Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
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Rotten News (True !)
Police say Detroiter kept notes, sent card
January 17, 2002
BY MATT HELMS
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER
A car theft suspect who got away from Southfield police on Christmas Eve was so pleased, he sent the department a postcard days later.
"Better luck next time," he chided.
"Obviously he didn't sign it," said Margaret Scott, who leads the Oakland County Prosecutor's Office's auto theft section.
But police said they got the last laugh when they arrested a 49-year-old Detroit man this week. And they say if they needed any more proof he was their man with the hot car and mocking pen, they need only offer up his day planner filled with such mundane information as what he ate for dinner.
A notation for Dec. 24: "Southfield PD and me. I won. What an adrenaline rush."
And Dec. 27: "Slow day. SPD card."
Douglas Ulysses Johnson, who also noted he ate chili fries and a coney dog the day he sent the card, was arraigned Wednesday in Southfield District Court. Magistrate Eugene Friedman entered a not-guilty plea on his behalf and set bond at $25,000.
Johnson hadn't posted bond and remained at the Southfield jail Wednesday afternoon. A pre-exam conference is set for Wednesday before 46th District Judge Stephen Cooper.
Police said that on Christmas Eve morning in the parking lot of Marvin's Garden Inn hotel on Northwestern, officers spotted a silver Pontiac Grand Prix reported stolen from an Avis car rental agency in Detroit.
The officers waited until a man got into the car, and they tried to pull him over. But he fled, and in the course of the chase, he drove so recklessly that officers called off the pursuit, said Southfield Police Detective John Harris.
The break came Tuesday, when officers investigating the theft got a tip about the car being spotted on the 9800 block of Wyoming in Detroit. Officers waited until Johnson got into the car and followed him to a gas station at Wyoming and Fenkell. When Johnson got out of the car and went into the station, he was arrested.
Johnson was arraigned on three charges: possession of stolen property worth $1,000 to $20,000, a five-year felony; fourth-degree fleeing a police officer, a two-year felony, and operating a vehicle without carrying a license, a 90-day misdemeanor.
Police said Johnson is wanted on numerous warrants in other cities for charges including theft.
"I think we can put on his detention sheet: 'No, we won,' " Harris said.
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Wednesday January 16 11:04 AM ET
Troops to Guard Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (Reuters) - Troops will be deployed in a small Pennsylvania community in February to guard a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil, which each year attracts huge crowds of people who believe the animal can forecast the weather.
``We just never know what may pop up in these times, so we are getting prepared,'' said Jamie Levier, a spokesman for the state police in Punxsutawney, a rural community about 90 miles (144 km) northwest of Pittsburgh made famous in a movie called ''Groundhog Day (news - web sites)'' that starred Bill Murray.
A team of state police, bomb-sniffing dogs and National Guard troops will be stationed near Gobbler's Knob Feb. 2 to ward off problems at this year's Groundhog Day festivities.
Levier said all knapsacks will be hand checked by police and spectators will not be permitted to drive to the groundhog site. More than 100 school buses will be available to transport people. All passengers will be inspected as they enter the buses, Levier said.
Bill Cooper, president of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, said he expects more than 30,000 spectators at this year's forecast event. If the groundhog can see its own shadow on that day, winter will last another six weeks before spring, according to legend.
In the past 116 years, the rodent and its ancestors have seen a shadow 101 times.
``There was only one year we did not have the event and that was in 1942 because we did not want to give our World War II enemies any favorable weather forecasts,'' Cooper said.
Although some local residents had thought about canceling the event because of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, Cooper said that city leaders felt the event would show the world the nation's ``resiliency.''
``Everything has changed in America, but Groundhog Day is one way of showing the world we are getting back to normal,'' said Cooper. ``Still, I guess having a groundhog who eats strawberry yogurt may not sound very normal, but it does put a smile on a weary nervous town and nation these days,'' added Cooper.
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Doctor Dogmeat muzzled by pet lovers
SOUTH KOREA: January 16, 2002
SEOUL - Hounded by pet lovers, South Korean dogmeat proponents were forced to postpone a major event planned for this week to promote canine cuisine and fight off international critics.
Feisty animal lovers' phone calls prompted the owner of the venue to withdraw its offer to rent space to a would-be dogmeat restaurant federation that planned to launch a campaign to promote the meat to tourists before and during the World Cup.
"There were complaints from animal lovers," said Kim Yoong-kwan, spokesman for KT Corp, the state-owned telephone company which owns the hall outside Seoul where the dogmeat convention was to be held.
"We cancelled our plan to rent the building as we had allowed them to use the building on the assumption there will be a seminar, not something like an opening ceremony," he said of the unwanted publicity.
Some 100 dogmeat restaurant owners were to launch their federation on Monday with an appearance by a college professor dubbed "Doctor Dogmeat" who boasts 350 canine recipes and a development strategy for the Korean dogmeat industry.
Dogs are bred to be eaten in South Korea, notably in poshintang, literally "body preservation stew", which advocates say is good for your health and which is considered a delicacy by some.
The eating of dogmeat in Korea caused particular alarm abroad and among animal rights activists in South Korea ahead of the 2002 World Cup soccer finals as some dogs are killed to make the meat more tender by beating, burning or hanging.
One South Korean civic group has used the Internet to run an aggressive campaign against eating dogmeat, even calling for a boycott of the World Cup finals, which South Korea and Japan will co-host from May 31 to June 30.
The Anti-Dogmeat Headquarters (www.admh.org) challenges dogmeat proponents' claim that Korean culture is under attack, declaring that "eating dogs is a barbaric Chinese custom".
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When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn," she said.
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DDL
A horny young sailor named Pete
performed a miraculous feat.
He stroked on his dong
from Guam to Hong Kong
without ever losing a beat.
There once was a man named Bill,
Who swallowed a nuclear pill.
His penis exploded,
his arsehole corroded
And his balls ended up in Brazil!
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definition shorts
Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.
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Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour.
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Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, January 24, 2002
Police say YMCA promotes witches
PENRYN, Pa. (AP) -- The police department has refused to direct traffic at a YMCA triathlon because it says the club promotes witchcraft by reading Harry Potter books to children.
Penryn Fire Police Capt. Robert Fichthorn said the eight-member force voted unanimously to boycott the 20th running of the triathlon, scheduled for Sept. 7.
"I don't feel right taking our children's minds and teaching them (witchcraft)," Fichthorn said. "As long as we don't stand up, it won't stop. It's unfortunate that this is the way it has to be."
The Lancaster Family YMCA began reading chapters of the Harry Potter books to children enrolled in an after-school program in November.
In a letter to the township and the YMCA, Fichthorn challenged the religious integrity of the YMCA, and questioned whether it was "serving the will of God" in using the books.
The wildly popular children's books by J.K. Rowling chronicle the fictional adventures of the young Harry Potter as he attends a boarding school for wizards and battles his nemesis, the evil sorcerer Voldemort.
The YMCA's executive director, Michael Carr, said he was disappointed by the department's decision, but doesn't expect it to stop about 600 triathletes from participating in the race.
Township Supervisor Ronald Krause said the YMCA may have to hire police from another community to direct traffic for the race.
The course includes a one-mile swim, a 25-mile bicycle route and a 6.2-mile run. About 200 volunteers are needed to run the event, which passes through Penryn, a small community about 66 miles west of Philadelphia.