Daily Dose - 020129 - More from John in Qatar

Some more from John in Qatar's collection...

One day, a couple on holiday in Spain with a young boy, were both feeling horny. "Why don't you go and stand out on the balcony"? the father suggested to the boy "Then you can tell us everything that's going on out there."

As the child trooped outside, his parents tore each other's clothes off. "There's a big lorry driving past" The boy called from the balcony. "There's a cyclist who has fallen off his bike. Oh, and the Germans opposite are having sex."

"What?" his mother screamed. "How do you know that?"

"Because their son's on the balcony too," the boy replied.

_______________________

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.

He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says, 'No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder....... I can't wipe my arse.

________________________

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. so he says: "I really fancy a 69".....

"F**k Off" replies the girl..... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

________________________

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

________________________

There was a kiwi couple in the States, and they decided to take home a skunk because their son really liked them. They were wondering how to get through customs, so the husband tells his wife to stick the skunk down her pants and sneak through like nothing has happened.

The wife says, "but what about the smell?".

And the husband says, "well, if it dies, it dies."

________________________

Two guys in a bar,....................................

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when, bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burnedmost of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"Oh, I shot him!"

"You shot him? I don't BELIEVE it! What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"Well, he was wrecking my fucking house."

___________________________

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

_________________________

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

_________________________

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what."

Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in.

He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollars worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what."

Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked opened the front door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"

"What's what?" the whore replied.

"Good, I'll take a dollars worth."

___________________________

Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?"

"No, says the first, "sour."