Daily Dose - 020128 - hospital visit, Rotten News, Dominican sister, auctioneer, DDL, Hey Martha

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

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News from the pages of Rotten.com (yes.. these are alleged to be true stories)

April 19, 2001

61-Year Old Man Convicted Of Sex Torture

He's old enough for AARP, but he can still torture 'em like a teenager.

61-year old David Parker Ray was convicted Tuesday of kidnapping and sexually torturing a Colorado woman. In 1996, the woman, clad only in a dog collar and padlock, escaped from Ray's mobile home and into a neighbor's house.

The victim testified that Ray's daughter promised to drive her home, but instead drove her to Ray's trailer, where she had was taped, collared, and handcuffed. Ray then tortured her with "sexual devices."

After her escape, police found said devices in Ray's home, along with video cameras. Ray's defense attorney dismissed the activity as "harmless fantasy."

The Rotten Staff would like to confirm that this defense never works.

(Associated Press)

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May 5, 2001

U.S. Army To Design Healthier Bullets

The United States Army spent twelve million dollars to design bullets that are based on tungsten composites rather than lead, because they are healthier.

Production will begin soon supplementing the 200 million lead 5.56mm bullets that are fired annually by the M16 rifle which is standard issue to all branches of service.

Unfortunately the new improved bullets are sixteen times more expensive than lead ones, but why trifle about price when soldiers can feel better about themselves while killing the enemy in an environmentally safe manner.

(Associated Press)

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May 8, 2001

Bobbitt Demands Return of Bobbitter

John Wayne Bobbitt is demanding return of the knife that his wife used to sever his penis seven years ago.

Police in Prince William County Virginia, where the dephallicizing instrument is kept, confirm that Bobbitt has recently inquired as to the knife and how he could retrieve said tool.

Of course Bobbitt has the best of intentions in all this: he intends to do the honorable thing and put the damn thing on eBay.

(Washington Post)

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As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.

After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.

The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

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Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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DDL

There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws!"

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The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

________________________

I like long walks -- especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen

________________________

"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth."
--Wendy Liebman

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, September 6, 2001

Mother Teresa had exorcism performed on her

By CHANDRA BANERJEE -- The Associated Press

CALCUTTA, India -- Mother Teresa had an exorcism performed on her while she was hospitalized in 1997, the Archbishop of Calcutta said Wednesday.

The disclosure by Archbishop Henry D'Souza came as hundreds of people in this eastern Indian city paid homage to the renowned caregiver on the fourth anniversary of her death.

But the Rev. Richard McBrien, a Notre Dame theology professor, called the exorcism and the archbishop's explanation for it "bizarre."

D'Souza said the exorcism would not affect the nun's candidacy for sainthood.

"No way. Mother was not possessed ... it did not hurt her sanctity," D'Souza told The Associated Press. He said the need for the exorcism was a sign of her human side.

"Human dimension in a saint is quite normal," he said. "It was rather a sign of closeness to God."

He said the exorcism took place in a hospital where the nun was admitted because of heart trouble before her death on Sept. 5, 1997 at age 87. D'Souza said he was undergoing similar treatment at the same hospital.

The doctor treating Mother Teresa reported that she was having trouble sleeping, he said.

"There was no medical reason for that," the archbishop said. "It struck me that there could be some evil spirit which was trying to disturb her."

He said he had subsequently asked -- with the nun's consent -- for a priest in one of the churches to perform an exorcism.

Along with the priest, Mother Teresa participated in a "prayer of protection" and "slept peacefully after that," he said.

Catholic experts said it would be highly unusual for Mother Teresa to have undergone an exorcism.

Exorcism is extremely rare in the Catholic church and is used only when no psychological or physical explanation can be found for dramatic changes in behavior, said Scott Appleby, director of the Cushwa Center for the Study of American Catholicism at the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Ind.

McBrien, who teaches at the South Bend, Ind., university, said exorcism is used only when the person is thought to be possessed by the devil.

"I cannot believe they would have allowed that to happen," McBrien said. "They could have performed the rite of the anointing of the sick. That's one of the sacraments. Exorcisms aren't sacraments."

McBrien agreed that an exorcism likely would not affect Mother Teresa's candidacy for sainthood. However, he questioned whether Mother Teresa was truly able to give her consent to such a procedure.

"People would challenge wills made by people in that circumstance," McBrien said.

After Mother Teresa died, Pope John Paul II waived the customary five-year waiting period to start the process leading to possible sainthood.

The Calcutta archdiocese's formal investigation into Mother Teresa's life and virtues was completed last month and submitted to the Vatican.

On Wednesday, Sister Nirmala, the nun's successor, said she had not heard anything from the Vatican about the process.

"All of us are praying for an early sainthood of our mother," she told nuns and volunteers who gathered to offer morning prayer at Mother Teresa's tomb. "We feel her absence very much physically. But spiritually she is always with us and guiding us in our work."