Daily Dose - 020127 - sexy dancer, The Onion, Western Union, DDL, Hey Martha
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
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The Onion (satire)
Citizens To Vote On Young Or Old Reagan For $15 Bill
WASHINGTON, DC-- On the heels of the Ronald Reagan Airport and U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier, citizens can now vote for one of two portraits of the former president to adorn the U.S. Mint's upcoming $15 bill.
"Choose either the young, General Electric Theater-era Reagan or the older, second-term-president Reagan," U.S Mint Deputy Director John Mitchell said Monday.
Citizens may cast ballots at any FDIC-member bank. All voters will receive a commemorative LeRoy Neiman poster of Reagan delivering his 1981 inaugural address.
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Cuba To Buy Car
HAVANA-- In a bid to bring its citizens greater independence, the nation of Cuba decided Tuesday to pool its resources and purchase a car.
"We know of an '82 Buick Skylark in Haiti that we should be able to fix up and make usable," Cuban transportation minister Alvaro Perez Morales said. "Having a car will make it easier for our citizens to do everything from grocery shopping to commuting to work."
Use of the car will be determined by lottery, with a winner chosen daily from the nation's pool of 11 million citizens.
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Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s
MIDLAND, TX Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.
"I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there."
Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
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How To Tell If You Were Adopted
Hey, Kids!
Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:
You're not allowed to get a trampoline.
Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you.
You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family.
Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born.
Your parents call each other by names other than "Mommy" and "Daddy" to conceal their true identity.
Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back.
Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth.
You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and you're not the same height.
Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the doorthis is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea.
Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them.
Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you.
You're not allowed to get a puppy, because the puppy could tell by scent.
Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church, where they pray for a real child.
Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way, or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.
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A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.
He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."
The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."
"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
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DDL
There was a young lady from Clyde,
Who's doctor cut open her hide;
He misplaced the stitches,
And closed the wrong niches;
She now does her work on the side.
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
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science shorts
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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Einstein never accepted quantum mechanics because of this element of chance and uncertainty. He said: God does not play dice.
It seems that Einstein was doubly wrong. The quantum effects of black holes suggests that not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
- Steven Hawking
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, August 28, 2001
No women allowed in Japanese tunnel
By SCOTT STODDARD-- The Associated Press
TOKYO (AP) -- Women have made enormous inroads in Japan's male-dominated society over the past half century. But there are still places where they're not welcome -- such as the inside of tunnels under construction.
On Saturday, a company building a bullet-train tunnel in central Japan was conducting a tour of the passageway for about 100 local citizens. At the entrance, however, women in the group were barred from entering.
The reason? Bad luck.
Japanese superstition holds that by entering the tunnel under construction, women would arouse the jealousy of the mountain goddess, and cause disaster.
News reports said that 30 women who turned up for the tour were denied entry. Noriyuki Kushige, a spokesman for the Gunma prefecture, where the tunnel is being built, confirmed that women were told to stay out but did not have the exact number.
Japan's constitution -- adopted after World War II -- forbids discrimination based on sex and guarantees equal rights to property. Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has named five women to his Cabinet -- the most ever -- out of a total of 17 ministers.
But age-old conventions about the roles of men and women still hold sway, especially in traditional settings.
The ruling body of Japan's ancient sport of sumo wrestling has twice denied permission to Osaka Gov. Fusae Ota, Japan's first female governor, from entering the ring to present an award to the winner of a local tournament.
Sumo has its roots in Japan's indigenous Shinto religion, which considers women impure and unfit to enter places considered sacred -- such as the wrestling ring.
Similar superstitions in the past have discouraged women from climbing mountains or boarding fishing boats.
Attitudes are changing -- if grudgingly.
Earlier this year, five teen-age girls were allowed to sit among the court musicians aboard parade floats in Kyoto's Gion Festival, the first female musicians in the festival's 300-year history.
Instead of a tour inside the tunnel, Kushige said the women were given a half-hour tour of the outside. That consisted mainly of being shown around the water drainage equipment.
The 145-yard-long tunnel is scheduled to be completed by 2003 to connect bullet train service to Annaka Haruna station in Gunma, about 60 miles north of Tokyo.