Daily Dose - 020123 - marriage counselor, Rotten News, When will the girls and boys meet, DDL, hey Martha
Sam goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied Sam.
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted"
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Rotten News.... (true - believe it or not)
April 21, 2001
Kazakhstan Cannibals Convicted Of Making Human Soup
Mmm mmm good: Two Kazakhstan men have been sentenced to almost 20 years each for killing and cooking a man after an alcohol-fueled fight.
After beating him, tying him up, and cutting his head off, they made soup with his remains.
A fourth man, clearly not hungry, declined to partake in the meal after seeing the deceased's head.
Still drunk, the chefs were caught while searching for a meat-grinder.
(This just reinforces what Rotten Staff members learned while in the Boy Scouts: be prepared. Well, that was one of the things we learned, anyhow. )
(The London Times)
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April 20, 2001
Show Horse Castration Botch
Stuart and Sandra Vesty filed suit Wednesday alleging that the castration of their prize Arabian colt, Funky White Boy, went horribly wrong.
During an operation at the Equine Specialty Hospital, the operating doctor was unable to properly locate the horse's testicles, and accidentally removed the penis instead.
The horse in question, now Funky White Girl, must now receive special care for the duration of its post-penile existence.
$1M is sought for gross negligence and malpractice.
(Cleveland Plain Dealer)
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May 6, 2001
Perhaps a Nice Urn
Harriet Inselbuch signed up for a calendar reminder service on the Internet and duly entered important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. The service notifies her by e-mail a few days before an important event.
One anniversary she listed was of a family death, a reminder to her to light a candle.
A few days before that particular date, she did receive a message and it provided somewhat of a shock. It read, "Reminder: Grandpa's death is just around the corner" followed by three or four gift suggestions for the occasion.
(RISKS-L)
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April 25, 2001
Miss France Rumored To Be A Man
Earlier this week, the Miss Universe pageant is said to have launched an investigation into the gender of "Miss" France. The probe was prompted by widespread rumors on the Internet that twenty year old nursing student Elodie Gossuin was born a man.
Pageant organizers pledged to interrogate Gossuin upon arrival as to whether she's a transsexual, a transvestite [or just doesn't bathe?].
The Miss Universe contest has gone so far as to instruct the wardrobe department to make a determination during fitting, and immediately report any findings.
The head of the Miss France Committee is now terrified of the Internet, or as she describes it; a haven for rumor-mongering, pedophiles, prostitutes and criminals.
(NY Daily News / Wire reports)
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In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician: "Never."
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"
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DDL
There once was a woman named Yannish
Who vowed to eat food solely Spanish.
And though no one had heard
Of her breaking her word,
Chihuahuas occasionally vanish!
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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Beer Guts
My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car
Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the bbp kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer
Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door
I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said "I've never seen one big as that."
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild."
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
Protesters save tree
YELLOW SPRINGS, Ohio (AP) -- Efforts to cut down a large tree to make way for renovation of a tavern were halted when three protesters climbed the tree and refused to come down.
"I don't understand how they couldn't arrange to build around it," said protester Evan Hagberg. "They're taking it down and adding a patio."
Robin Suttles of C&S Tree Service said the tree needs to be cut down because it is old and its limbs are breaking.
After the protesters climbed the tree Tuesday and were joined by sign-carrying demonstrators on the ground, the tree-cutters stopped work and left for the day.
The protesters were coaxed down after spending nearly two hours in the tree.
(Eco-Nazis !!!)