Daily Dose - 020122 - sign of invaders, Rotten News, MEXICAN WISH, DDL, Hey Martha
One night at about 3 am my wife was getting up from the throne to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to bath.
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Rotten News (true ? - you bet it is !)
April 26, 2001
The Pokemon Jewish Conspiracy?
Just when you thought you'd heard every Jewish conspiracy possible, some Arabs have a surprise for you: Pokemon is a dirty Jew plot.
According to Sheik Abdel Monem abu Zent, a former Jordanian Parliament member, "It has been proven that this toy is part of a Jewish plan to corrupt the mind of our young generation".
Among his proof are reports that Pokemon is Japanese for "there is no God in the universe", while Pikachu means "I am Jewish".
Hard-line Arabs are further claiming that the toys promote gambling and Jewish-Darwinist evolution (think about that one for a minute).
A recent article in Modern Family, an Arab magazine, stated that Pokemon is a "virus" that "is the burden of this age".
Saudi Arabia has already banned all Pokemon items from store shelves.
(LA Times)
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That Rumanian Lamb might be Dogmeat
Government posters have appeared in Bucharest informing shoppers how to tell if the lamb meat they bought is really dog meat:
Examine the texture. Lamb is smooth and firm; dog is soft and grimey, and a bit greasier than the lamb.
This may seem obvious, but lamb have hooves and dogs have paws. If you spot paws in your cut of meat, not only is it not a particularly choice cut, it's not likely to be lamb.
A dog's liver has six lobes, whereas lamb livers have only four lobes.
Also pay special attention to the smell of the meat. Dog meat has a completely different odor.
Bucharest has a history of dogs and cats being sold aroundabouts Easter, to unsuspecting consumers. No cases have been reported this year.
(Deutsche Presse-Agentur)
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April 28, 2001
Breasts Enlarged Against Will
The 2nd Appellate District of the California Court of Appeals has upheld a woman's $1.08 million jury award for receiving breast implants against her will.
After losing a lot of weight, Sandra Perry wanted excess skin removed from various body parts, but Dr. William Shaw tried to talk her into getting a breast enlargement. She refused numerous times, finally signing a consent form after she was medicated and taken to the operating room.
She awoke, horrified to find her enormous jugs, but the good doctor reassured her that she'd be happy about it within a year and after one or two more operations.
The Court upheld the gigantic verdict on the ground that non-consensual boob jobs are battery. The Rotten Lawyers suggest refraining from engaging in forced breast augmentation in California.
(Reuters)
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April 9, 2001
Vehicular Goose Slaughter
A group of children were feeding geese in a park, when witnesses say, Jeremy Goodson, 30, killed several geese by repeatedly plowing through the flock for the amusement (and terror?) of the "small children" sitting in his backseat.
About 50 geese had been gathered in the roadway when his car is said to have approached the flock. Rather than avoiding them, he sped up to about 35 mph and aimed straight for them. Goodson claims that a co-worker had been borrowing his car at the time, however his "friend" has indicated that he is a big fat liar.
Having priorly been convicted of aggravated burglary, and currently on parole, he now faces up to four more years in prison, followed by additional supervised release, plus revocation of parole, on two felony counts of mistreating animals.
(Milwaukee Journal Sentinel)
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THE MEXICAN WISH
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!!"
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DDL
With key in ignition, I'm thwarted
My Die Hard, I fear, has departed
For it would appear
I have no amp here
Dead battery? Don't get me started!
There once was a man from France
Who liked to take off his pants.
He pulled down his shorts
And showed all his warts,
And that's when we saw all the ants.
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STEVEN WRIGHT CLASSICS
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, - I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, September 4, 2001
Guy Lafleur teams up with Viagra
TORONTO (CP) -- Guy Lafleur has signed on as the poster boy for erectile dysfunction, teaming up with Viagra manufacturer Pfizer Canada to promote the problem and what can be done about it.
The Canadian Press could not reach Lafleur on Tuesday to comment on his new role, which Pfizer said was to spur men having problems with erectile dysfunction to seek help.
"His mandate is more to use his image and his presence to say: Look, if I'm able to talk about it, then maybe you shouldn't be so embarrassed to talk to your doctor about it," McCann explained.
The company said Lafleur was initially skeptical about its offer, but changed his mind after learning that diabetes can cause erectile dysfunction. Lafleur had been involved in diabetes fundraising for several years.
Lafleur's commentary, to be aired in what the company calls a public service announcement, is delivered from a hockey dressing room where the still-fit hockey legend is lacing up his skates.
"Talking about ED can be pretty tough," he says.
"Only 15 per cent of men ever get help and even fewer know the facts. It's time to get the facts. Get the most out of life."
The commercial is part of Pfizer's ongoing media campaign to raise awareness of the facts concerning erectile dysfunction -- including the fact that in some cases, drugs like Viagra help overcome the problem.
Critics of direct-to-consumer drug advertising -- which is banned in Canada -- see the campaign another way.
Commercials like the one Lafleur is taking part in are a way for drug companies like Pfizer to circumvent the ban, argued Dr. Joel Lexchin, an emergency room doctor in Toronto and a professor in York University's school of health policy and management.
"It's a smart move on Pfizer's part," Lexchin admitted.
"Guy Lafleur's name will attract attention. Now it's attracting attention as a media story and that will feed into the publicity that's going to be going on around when he starts appearing in ads and things like that."
By law, drug companies in this country may only advertise the name of a drug -- without saying what it can be used for -- or they can advertise a medical problem.
The latter has become a popular method of reaching potential consumers; most such advertisements offer a Web site or a phone number via which additional information about the problem and possible therapies can be obtained.
Critics of direct-to-consumer advertising have long complained that these ads make a mockery of the advertising ban.
Barbara Mintzes, an expert in drug company advertising, had another complaint about the Lafleur ad.
The World Health Organization ethical guidelines for the drug industry preclude the use of celebrities to promote drugs, noted Mintzes, of the University of British Columbia's Centre for Health Services and Policy Research.
Both Mintzes and Lexchin were concerned that by enlisting Lafleur, Pfizer is trying to broaden its market to reach not just men with serious dysfunction, but middle-aged men who occasionally have performance problems.
"What Pfizer wants to do is . . . say: Any man, potentially, is a user of this product," Lexchin said.
"And by using somebody like Guy Lafleur, that's the image that I think that they're going to be able to project.
"It's much different than using somebody the age of Bob Stanfield, say, who could say: Well, now that I'm 80 years old and I'm having some trouble, I think that Viagra's a good thing."
McCann acknowledged that Pfizer was looking for a sports icon in the over-40 age group "because we needed someone who would be in the same age range as the people that are actually suffering from the disease."