Daily Dose - 020119 - CONSTIPATED HORSE, Real Resignation Letters, wrong house, DDL, Hey Martha

CONSTIPATED HORSE

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's rear, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."

__________________________

Real Resignation Letters (true)

The Resignation Letter of Mrs. KKS of Oakland, CA, United States

Why did you resign? Can't get a new computer in my office, and I'm running a damn Pentium 130 mHz!
What are you going to do next? Join a direct marketing business to sell your competitor's product
Job Title Administrative Assistant
Industry Manufacturing
What is your salary expectation? £25,000 - £30,000

Dear BM: Per our employee hanbook, I am giving two weeks notice of my resignation.

You will probably notice that I am not the first person to jump off this ship before it sinks. Perhaps my leaving will save the company enough money to purchase new mixer and replace the ones which were purchased when the company was started in the late 40s.

But, I know that you won't approve of that sort of expenditure , not with your overarching effort to reduce costs.

Miraculously, you haven't had any layoffs in a couple of years, but that is probably because you are running on the bare minimum of staff anyway, and have made such haphazard attempts at upgrading computer and manufacturing equipment that no one in the office has the same version of MS Word and the mixers are probably held together with duct tape and spit wads, which I'm sure would interest the FDA. As would the mold growing on the ceiling above the tea kettle, but I'm sure you'll manage to strip clean that before their next visit anyway.

In any case, I wanted you to know that I'm not leaving because of the mistake on my holiday bonus last year, or the fact that I can't read half the document attachments that come in my email because I'm still on Word 95. No, I am leaving because you clearly do not believe that this company is worth the investment of good, well-running equipment for either your office or manufacturing staff.

And if its not worth your investment, sir, it is not worth my investment, either, and I am certainly not going to waste 40 of the best hours of my week on a bad investment. Good day.

BO

*********

The Resignation Letter of Mrs. NK of London, United Kingdom

Why did you resign? To join the human race.
What are you going to do next? Have a life. My manager,I-Make-Pol-Pot-Seem-Like-A-Game-Show-Host shall no doubt think I wasn't grateful enough.
Job Title Sales Manager
Industry Sales
What is your salary expectation? £30,000 - £40,000

To Whom It May Concern:
I hereby give the one month's notice of my resignation from

I would like to extend my gratitude to all of the managers that I have worked with, for it is said that one always gets promoted to one's level of incompetence: and without learning from the inept and imbecilic management here I would never have been able to make the upward career move that I am about to embark upon.

My one remaining worry is that my experience of mismanagement is so great that I may go to the very top.

Wishing that this letter gets to the top of the in-tray before the Second Coming.

NK

____________________________

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."

____________________________

DDL

There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.

A hillbilly gent name of Cato
Wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, "Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
They look like a fresh dug potato!"

_____________________________

My parents have a friend named Tex. One day I asked him what part of Texas he was from. "I'm not from Texas," he replied. "But you have a Southern drawl," I insisted.

"Yeah, I do," he admitted. "I'm actually from Louisiana. But nobody better call me Louise!"

_____________________________

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

_____________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Deceased man leaves behind surprising fortune

MUSKEGON, Mich. (AP) -- A bookkeeper who lived in a modest home and wore old clothes and worn-out shoes left a large gift when he died.

Nearly everyone who knew Henry Klooster was surprised to learn after his death at age 98 that Klooster had amassed a small fortune by living thriftily and investing wisely.

His surprising legacy includes bequests of $1 million to the Community Foundation for Muskegon County and a total of $100,000 to two local churches, The Muskegon Chronicle reported Monday. The money for the foundation is intended to maintain the Frauenthal Theater's 1927 Barton organ and to support local music programs.

Longtime friend Jim Fles said he "just about fell over" when he heard about Klooster's posthumous donations. "He was a millionaire, this guy, and he never spent a penny of it until he died," Fles said.

Klooster, who never married, lived in the home he grew up in until he moved into a nursing home near the end of his life, friends and relatives said. He died on Feb. 27, 2000.

They said there were times when he had only half a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter in his cupboards.

He owned one bowl and one spoon, said his nephew, Charles Klooster.

"I don't know what he did for lunch and supper," he said. "Perhaps he went out for dinner once in a while. He must have."