Daily Dose - 020112 - Dixie Chips, BIZARRE NEWS, Audiatur et altera pars, DDL, Hey Martha

Dixie Chips

My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"... All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way.

It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible. One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked... Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness.... It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm....I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means?

I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that? I even asked my Mom; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean?

I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out... "My Dicks Erect! What the hell does that mean?"

My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.

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BIZARRE NEWS...

More Humorous Signs

* On a Scientist's door: 'Gone Fission'

* On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'

* Outside a Hotel: 'Help! We need inn-experienced people.'

* At a Music Store: 'Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.'

* On a Music Teacher's door: 'Out Chopin.'

* On the door of a Music Library: 'Bach in a min-u-et.'

* In a Podiatrist's window: 'Time wounds all heels.'

* On another Butcher's window: 'Pleased to meat you.'

* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

* In a Beauty Shop: 'Dye now!'

* On the door of a Computer Store: 'Out for a quick byte.'

* In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: 'Drop your pants here.'

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Water Sportsman Forgot to Duck

FLORIDA - Police and Coast Guard suspect fowl play in the death of a water sportsman who was testing a "water-bike" on a lake near Deerfield Beach.

Leon Resnick, 31, was going about 55 mph when a duck apparently flew into his face and knocked him into the water.

At first the cause of the tragic but bizarre accident was unknown, but investigators found the damaged duck carcass on the shore and feathers on the water bike's handlebars.

"Our theory is that the bird was airborne and clocked him right in the head," said David Bamdas, owner of Riva Yamaha Honda in Pompano Beach, where Resnick worked.

With Resnick traveling at such a high speed, the duck "might as well have been a cinder block," he said.

Bamdas added that Resnick was a perfectionist who loved his job.

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Men Saved From Shopaholic Excursions to the Mall

SCOTLAND - We've all seen them, heck, some of you have actually BEEN them! Those uncomfortable guys pacing anxiously in the corner of a boutique while holding a cute little leather purse as their wives and girlfriends are hitting every clearance rack in the joint.

Representatives from the Braehead Shopping Center in Glasgow feel their pain and are in the process of testing a scheme which lets women drop off their partners and borrow "a fresh new shopping-friendly specimen for a few hours."

The Shopping Boyfriend is said to be the ultimate retail therapist: enthusiastic, attentive, admiring and complimentary. "He'll even say her bum looks small," says Carol-Ann Stewart, the brains behind this scheme.

According to Stewart, she got the idea after viewing the results of an NOP poll that showed "shopping" was one of the most dreaded words for young British men -- coming just behind "babies."

[There's a word for this...it's called prostitution. I wonder what other kind of benefits you can get out of your shopping partner for an extra fifty bucks.]

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For Those Who Hate to Shop: Vending Machine Clothes

LONDON, England - Clothing from a vending machine will soon be the next fashion craze.

At least that's the hope of designer Helena Rosen who offers disposable T-shirts, dresses, bags and skirts that have no seams, zips, or buttons.

She is currently working on making disposable trousers, too. The clothes will come flatpacked in the vending machine, and the consumer would need to properly fold, assemble, and tuck the garment and perhaps tug on a cord.

As she designed her "AnyWear" collection, Rosen marveled at its simplicity: "I was amazed to realize how much can be achieved by simple folding, cutting, and gathering techniques."

Though the sales plan is still in development, her goal is to someday have her vending machines in airports, train stations, and hotels for those on the go.

T-shirts will be $14.80, and the other products may be a bit more expensive.

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Popsicle Penises Perk Up Sperm Production

FRANKFURT, Germany - Talk about keeping your cool under pressure!

Doctors at Giessen University near Frankfurt wanted to prove men are more fertile if their crotch is kept cool, so they have rigged up an air conditioning system for underpants.

The system works by clipping a battery-powered fan on to a belt around the waist. This pumps air into tubes which lead to the groin while nozzles direct the airflow. Straps attached to the belt go around the legs like a climbing belt, keeping the tubes and nozzles in place.

"It works," says head researcher Andreas Jung. "Not only is the amount of sperm increased but it is faster-moving too. And that adds up to more chance of fathering a child."

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He Should Have Just Smiled to Surveillance Cameras

DES MOINES, Iowa - You can file this one under DUH!

A 34-year-old Iowa man was arrested after he returned to the shop he just robbed and corrected the description the cashier was giving the police.

Cashier Harpal Singh of the Des Moines shop was right in the middle of giving a description of alleged robber Steven Hebron to police over the phone, but had some of his features mixed up. Hebron, who had returned to get the wallet he dropped in the store, stopped her and told her the correct attributes.

Police arrived within minutes to arrest him.

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While I was attending a law course, the 'Audiatur et altera pars' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means, "Also the other party has to be heard."

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule.

From the auditorium a man shouted, "My wife!"

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DDL

Miss Goodwrench may have some high fees
But her skill with my motor does please;
Increased bore and stroke,
Lubed throttle and choke,
And my piston pumps smooth with her grease.

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"Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she REALLY felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside."
-Rich Johnson

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"Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house."
-Mark Guido

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I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

Borough names Bazooka its official gum

YOE, Pa. (AP) -- Puffed up with pride over an unintended mention of its unusual name on Bazooka Bubble Gum wrappers, a tiny York County borough has named the pink, chewy product its official gum.

The action was prompted by the uncommon spelling of the idiomatic salutation "Yoe!" on a series of 75 Bazooka Joe comics in gum wrappers currently on sale.

The spelling is the same used by Yoe Borough, home to about 1,000 in one-fifth of a square mile.

"However inadvertent it may have been, our borough's name has been used as an attention-getting greeting by Bazooka for the past four years," said Sam Snyder, Yoe Council president. "It is important for the borough to acknowledge Bazooka and say 'Yoe! back at ya."'

The gum, which has been wrapped in the comics since 1953, is made by The Topps Co.

Topps officials said that "Yoe!" was supposed to be a greeting that recalled the "Rocky" movies, as in, "Yo! Adrian."