Daily Dose - 020109 - John's Groaner collection

Here are some Groaners, from John in Qatar...

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each one carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot around the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank-proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10.And finally, there was a guy who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. -- unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

____________________________

God rang Noah. "I'm having another flood," he said, "Could you make me another ark?"

"Okay," agreed Noah, "Same design as before? Big boat? Animals two by two?"

"No," said God, "I'd like lots of decks on this one please and it'll only be taking fish - you know them fancy Koi Carp?"

"Yes," said Noah, by now more than a little puzzled, "But why?"

"Well," replied God, "I wanted one of those Multi Storey Carp-Arks!"

____________________________

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

_____________________________

A polar bear goes into a bar and says "Can I have a gin and......

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

.....................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

.....................................................................

......................................................................

.....................................................................

......................................................................

......................................................................

.....................................................................

......................................................................

........................tonic please?"

The barman serves him and asks, "Why the large pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Don't know. I've always had them."

____________________________

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn!

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again".

Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".

Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Here it comes!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm a prawn again Christian...!!!"

_____________________________

A man enters the doctors' office walking in a funny manner. The man says 'Doctor I have a problem with my arse'.

'Why don't you tell me the symptoms' replies the doctor.

'I would rather show you' says the man, and with that he drops his trousers and bends over the examination table.

The doctor walks up behind him and using a pair of tweezers pulls a small piece of lettuce from the mans arse. 'Is that the problem?' asks the man.

'You must be joking', says the doctor, 'This is just the tip of the iceberg'.

______________________________

This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a fish, and is about to put him in the sack when he hears the fish cry out, "Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!"

"Oh yeah?" says John "So what's your name?"

"I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me loose, I'm too young to die!"

John thinks about it for a moment, thinks about all the years ahead that he has to go fishing, so he lets Rusty go.

50 years later, John is 65 and he goes fishing at the same place where he caught Rusty all those years ago. Anyway, after a few hours fishing, John is about to pack up and go home when he catches this huge salmon about 1.5 m long.

"Rusty?" says John.

"John, is that you?"

"Yeah, hi Rusty!"

"So, watcha been doing?"

"Well, I've just retired. What've you been doing, Rusty?"

"Well John, I been swimming in all the oceans of the world and guess what....I found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful I wrote a book of poems about it."

"Oh yeah? What's it called?" asks John.

Wait for it........

"It's TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"

___________________________

Two men are walking through the desert. It's been two weeks since their water rations ran out, and the sun is beating down mercilessly. All of a sudden, one of them spots a few market stalls by a sand dune. "It can't be real. It's a mirage, let's ignore it", he says. But as they got closer, they could hear the sound of voices. The market was real.

They ran up to the first stall holder.

"Have you got some water we could buy?" asks one of the men.

"No. I'm sorry sir, but all I sell is jelly and custard with hundreds and thousands on top."

So they go up the next stall. "Have you got any water we could buy. We're on the verge of certain death!" but again the same answer.

"No. I'm sorry sir, but all I sell is jelly and custard with hundreds and thousands on top."

The men, desperate by this point, go up to every stallholder, asking the same question and getting the same answer.

Defeated, they walk off into the desert to face their miserable fate.

"I say, that was a bit odd", said one of the men. "Yes", said the other, "it was a trifle bazaar."

(Enough !!!!)