Daily Dose - 020106 - Kussy's Collection
Today's contribtions are from Kussy - now in Bejing.
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship.
Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together in privacy on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe’s fly, pull out his thingie and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all finished. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home.
Naturally, Edna was a little surprised .
A bit sad, Edna asked " What has she got that I haven’t got?" ......
"Parkinson’s" said Abe.
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Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, too, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life..... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING!!! FOR GODS SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"
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From the Australian Bureau of Statistics.
In case you wondered why Australians have a reputation as they do, read on:
3 people die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 people were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And Finally:
8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet
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"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark, the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light"
----Plato
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Read (Sing!) this to the tune of "I Will Survive".
Bloke's version:
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I
Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose
Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want
to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're
Half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that
We call beer
You can sod you beer goggles, shit I must
Have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a se*xy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Bre*asts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With t*its that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants se*x on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply...
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w@nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F*cken ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or
Simply bound and gagged.
I'm f*cking off right now, I'm jumping on the
Flippin' train
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed
Your greebies down the drain.
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst se*x in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at
least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you tw@t.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun!
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Revision for Accounting ..........
I will CREDIT you my love,
if you will DEBIT me your love.
I’ll record our romance in a JOURNAL,
And POST it to the LEDGER of my heart.
I’ll keep an ACCOUNT of our love,
Based on DOUBLE-ENTRY.
This way you’ll know the BALANCE c/d,
And the AMOUNT of love I have for you.
Our courtship, is carried out on WORKSHEET.
ADJUSTING ENTRIES are necessary, To make our love steady.
TRIAL BALANCE shows, We are meant for each other,
Because the TOTAL of our love, Is one and the same.
CLOSING ENTRIES are made, When down the aisle we take.
PROFIT & LOSS statement, tells what has happened.
Let’s see our BALANCE SHEET,
What are our ASSETS & LIABILITIES?
Oh, my goodness! It shows a dozen kids...!!!!!!!!!!!
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NEWSFLASH!!!!....
Apparently the Irish army has surrounded a department store in Dublin....
They are acting on a tip-off that Summer Bed Linen is on the second floor!!!??.
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Monday Morning Motivator
Perhaps this should be called a Friday morning motivator!!!
HERE ARE A FEW REASONS TO BE TRULY THANKFUL . .
1] If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
2] If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world
3] If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death... you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
4] If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep... you are richer than 75% of this world.
5] If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
6] If your parents are still alive and still married... you are very rare, even in Australia.
7] If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
8] If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder... you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
9] If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.