Daily Dose - 020102 - John in Qatar's collection
A collection from John in Qatar today....
For the four executives, the high point of the annual stockholders meeting was their Sunday afternoon golf game. They had just teed off on the twelfth hole when the assistant golf pro came tearing across the green, red-faced and out of breath.
"Mr. Rudeneck, Mr. Rudeneck!" he gasped, "I have terrible news. Your wife has just been killed in a car accident."
Rudeneck turned to his companions and said, "Guys, I gotta warn you. Six more holes and you're gonna see a man crying his eyes out."
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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.
The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. Your penis will have to be amputated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."
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A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the devoutest of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
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As a newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to take a rain check.
When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar apparently drowning his sorrows. "Why you should be the happiest man in the world today," they said coming over to him.
"Yesterday I was," said the man mournfully. "But this morning, without realizing it, I put three ten dollar bills on the pillow and got up to get dressed."
"Hey, cheer up, she probably didn't even notice."
"That's the problem," the groom went on. "Without even thinking, she gave me five dollars change!"
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Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years. One day Peter says to James, "Let's make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven's like."
They both agree, and none too soon because the next day James has a sudden heart attack and dies.
Six months later, just when Peter is giving up any hope of hearing from his friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night. "James, is that you?" Peter asks in amazement.
"Yes, it is," James answers.
"Well, tell me. What's it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and fuck. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast and fuck. Then we eat lunch and fuck until dinner. After dinner we fuck some more. We fuck until we pass out, then we wake up and fuck some more," James explains.
"If that's heaven, I can't wait to die!" exclaims Peter.
"Who said anything about heaven?" a perplexed James replies. "I'm in Nevada and I'm a rabbit!"
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A guy walks into a bar and goes right up to a beautiful redhead sitting alone in the corner. "Hey, wanna fuck?" he asks.
"Your place or mine?" she answers coyly.
"Well, if it's going to be a hassle..."
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Explaining to his doctor that his sex life wasn't all it could be, Foggy asked the doctor for a pill that would enable him to perform for his wife. It so happened that the doctor had just the right medication, so Foggy popped a pill and drove home, but it so happened that his wife had to work late that night.
After waiting for a while in growing discomfort, Foggy finally had to jerk off.
When the doctor called to check the next day, Foggy explained what had happened. "Gee, Foggy," the doctor explained, "there are other women in the building, you know."
"Doctor," Foggy explained in an exasperated tone, "for the other women I don't need a pill."
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When Foggy decided it was time for his friend Shawn to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local brothel and explained Shawn's condition to the madam.
"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice girl to take care of ya," she promised. "You just do your part and sure ya wear one of these." And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down her thumb by way of instruction.
Shawn parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room Twelve. There a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes. After he'd cum, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. I'm wet as the sea inside."
"Oh no, it didn't," Shawn cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new!"
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A 77 year old tycoon and his 26 year old bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. Paramedics laboured furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride. "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement, Mrs. Funnies? I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher. "Foggy, honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
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An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to make the call over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck de party."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in ya know vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there, who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He asks, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator Twenty-eight two days ago. But if you would like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry? You kids and ya always in da hurry." He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator Twenty-eight. Hello, Operator Twenty-eight? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told ya to take da telephone and shove it in ya know vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready... dey're bringin' it to ya!"
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When the aged president of the company was out of town, half a dozen of his senior executives got together to plan some way to ease the old coot out of the driver's seat.
To their horror, the executive VP's secretary buzzed him halfway through the meeting to inform him that the president had come back early and was on his way to see him.
"If he catches us all here he'll know exactly what we're up to," cried the VP. "Quick, you five jump out the window!"
"But we're on the thirteenth floor," protested the treasurer.
"Jump!" yelled the VP. "This is no time for superstition!"
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Ten stages of Drunkenness
1. Witty and charming.
2. Rich and famous.
3. Benevolent
4. Clairvoyant
5. Fuck dinner
6. Patriotic
7. Crank up the Enola Gay
8. Witty and charming, part two
9. Invisible
10. Bullet-proof
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The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."
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The fraternity boy went into the pharmacy and asked for the most reliable aphrodisiac available. "I got a couple co-eds coming over this weekend and they're gonna be horny as hell," he whispered confidentially. "I wanna be able to handle them myself, know what I mean?"
The pharmacist handed him a little jar with a conspiratorial wink, and wished him a happy weekend.
Monday morning the young man crawled into the pharmacy and croaked, "Ben Gay... I need some Ben Gay."
"For your pecker?" asked the incredulous pharmacist. "It'll sting like hell."
"No, for my elbow. The women didn't show."