Daily Dose - 010606 - CAPTIVATING BODY PART, Joke-A-Day News, friendly bear, parting of the ways, DDL, Hey Martha

CAPTIVATING BODY PART

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Jeez! Can it whistle too?!"

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Joke-A-Day News (satire)

TIMOTHY MCVEIGH PUT ON DIET OF BEANS, CABBAGE, BRUSSELS SPROUTS

Following a suggestion from the survivors of the explosion and families of the deceased, convicted murderer Timothy McVeigh will be spending his last month on a strict diet of pinto beans and red cabbage.

A cork has been surgically implanted in his ass.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "Timmy liked to blow things up. We figured this'd be right up his alley, so to speak."

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CONGRESS EMBRACES INTERNET TECHNOLOGY IN CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM

Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an "off-camera" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, "This is going to be *big*, really *big*."

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BUSH'S PLAN TO STREAMLINE MILITARY ON TARGET

During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. "I'm pleased to report," the President spoke, "that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile."

President Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. "Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie."

Bush was also pleased his "Ram The Bastard" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. "Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. "Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy."

The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. "Moscow's in Canada, right?"

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On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

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The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."

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DDL

Pity poor unfortunate Linus
His penis size runs towards the minus
Says his wife, rather vexed,
"We can't even have sex
Unless Mr. Goodwrench aligns us!"

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MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house

She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he's well and can get out of bed
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down

She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.

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Bathroom wit: 'They paint these walls to hide my pen but the shithouse poet strikes again

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What's brown and white and stands up like a nail in a chicken yard?

Constipated chicken shit

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Sometimes you are happy.....and no one sees you smile.

Sometimes you are sad.....and no one sees you cry.

But the times that you fart.....trust me.....people smell that shit.

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, May 25, 2001

Man sells his urine on Web

GREENVILLE, S.C. (AP) -- A man who sells his urine over the Internet is back in court as debate begins on whether the company he runs is legal.

Kenneth Curtis, owner of Privacy Protection Services, said he started selling urine sample kits on his Web site after he grew tired of drug testing at work.

The urine, which is supplied by Curtis, is contained in a small pouch with tubing. The pouch can be taped to the body and buyers who operate it properly can use it without being noticed by someone monitoring a urine test, according to Curtis' Web site.

The kit, which costs $69 plus shipping, also includes heat packets so the user can warm the sample to body temperature.

State Law Enforcement Division agents arrested Curtis in April on charges he was selling the urine kits to cheat on drug tests. He faces a combined maximum sentence of eight years in jail and a $15,000 fine if convicted.

The latest case comes as the state Supreme Court is weighing Curtis' argument that the 1999 law targets him and infringes on his constitutional rights.

"If you can't sell urine, what can you sell?" Curtis asked. "I don't sell drugs, I sell urine."