Daily Dose - 010605 - BASEBALL TRIVIA, Rotten News, New Exotic Cocktails, speeding ticket, DDL, Hey Martha
BASEBALL TRIVIA
During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some time by sharing some baseball trivia with his best friend.
"Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975? I'll tell you --- Hank Aaron. Know who hit the most R.B.I.s between 1955 and 1975? Hank Aaron. And I bet you can't guess who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?"
"Hank Aaron?" ventured the friend.
"Nope," said the announcer. "Liberace."
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Rotten News... (Gross - but supposidly true)
May 19, 2001
Would-Be Rapist Castrated Instead
Twenty-one year old Erik Williams, who lives on the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue in Chicago, no longer has testicles.
At about 3AM yesterday, he is said to have accosted a 42-year-old woman on his block and ordered her to perform a non-disclosed sex act. Presumably she went down on him, because she ended up biting off his nuts!
A half hour later she walked to the police station a block away and gave up the jewels. She might as well have kept them as a prize, because when he showed up at the hospital, doctors were unable to reattach them.
Williams has been charged with aggravated criminal sexual assault. Thank god he won't be reproducing.
(Chicago Tribune)
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April 7, 2001
KKK Kicked out of Highway Cleanup Program
The State of Missouri has kicked the Ku Klux Klan out of the state's Adopt-A-Highway program, not for being racist bastards, but because they failed a simple requirement: they never picked up any trash.
The KKK had been battling in court for the right to collect garbage on the side of the road in exchange for signage along a stretch of highway used to bus black students to schools as part of court-ordered desegregation efforts.
The Klan's membership excludes blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Asians, etc., etc.
(NPR)
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May 20, 2001
She Gave Love a Bad Name
Apparently unfamiliar with Plato’s maxim that justice is minding your own god damned business, 18 year old Miranda Lawson was shot through the heart in Euless, Texas, after giving love a bad name.
In what seems "shockingly" to be an alcohol free incident, Lawson and a group of her rowdy college friends overheard a couple engaging in sex in a nearby apartment. The group then proceeded to shout encouragement, though witnesses claim the group did not engage in heckling.
As her friends watched in disbelief, a bullet fired from the apartment tore through Lawson’s chest, severing an artery, and breaking her arm. She was rushed to a nearby hospital where she underwent surgery and remains in serious condition.
(Forth Worth Star-Telegram)
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New Exotic Cocktails & Drinks
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Blood Clot = vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Card table == When you drink 2 of them your legs fold up under you.
Fuzzy Naval Base = peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
HiV+ (for gay bars) = It's Hi C orange juice, V8 vegetable juice, and battery acid.
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Linda Tripp = 3 oz. of Old Crow on the rocks.
Martinizer = gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar, decorated with a paper umbrella
Oil of Ole = Mazola and sangria
Ronald Reagan Cocktail: Two and you start feeling senile, at a total loss for words.
Rush Limbaugh Cocktail: two of these and you're a loud-mouthed know-it-all.
Sake-to-me = rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Shirley MacLaine = sugar, carbonated water, ginger extract - syrup, and pomegranate; or what ginger ale and grenadine were in a previous life
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Sonic screwdriver = Vodka & orange juice going Mach 2.
The Energy Crisis Cocktail: Two and the lights go out on you.
The Fuel Shortage cocktail; Two and you're only half-tanked.
The Mona Lisa Cocktail: Two of these and people wonder what you're smiling at.
The Standard Time Cocktail: This one sets you back an hour.
The Communist Cocktail: two of these and you start leaning to the left.
The Exorcists Cocktail: Two and it'll bring out the devil in you.
The Wuthering Heights Cocktail: It's all the rage in England for those who always want just one moor.
Three Men and a Baby = Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's, and Infamil
Three Mile Island Iced Tea = vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
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One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.
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DDL
There once was a fellow named Ben
Who was aroused by livestock in a pen
Though he knew it was forbidden
He was quite parasite ridden
From trying it every now and then
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It's pretty cheap to live in Alabama unless you are the tooth fairy
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz convertible
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The great lexicographer Noah Webster was sitting in his favorite restaurant waiting on his dinner when a young man approached him.
According to the story the young man had recognized Webster as the man responsible for the famous Webster's American Dictionary of the English Language.
The young man had decide to impress Webster and said to him 'Did you know that the word sugar is the only word in the English language where the 'su' is pronounced with an H sound added'"
Webster looked at the young man as his food was being served and asked 'Are you sure?
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, May 24, 2001
Man wins big with 42 cent bet
LONDON (AP) -- A British man won U.S. $715,000 when a German soccer team outlasted their Spanish rivals in the Champions Cup final, completing a staggering 15-event wager that began for less than a buck.
The man, who was not identified, wagered only 42 cents with bookmakers William Hill on the outcome of the 15 events at total odds of 1,666,666 to 1.
"This is the most astonishing bet of its type we have ever taken," Hill spokesman Graham Sharpe said after Bayern Munich's 5-4 victory against Valencia in a penalty shootout Wednesday.
The man, in his 50s from central England, correctly picked Manchester United, Fulham, Millwall, Brighton and Rushden and Diamonds to win league titles in England, and did the same with Partick Thistle, Livingston and Hamilton in Scotland.
He also picked Arsenal, Hibernian and Falkirk in individual football league games, and selected Surrey for the English cricket County Championship, Gloucester for the NatWest Trophy, and Leicester in rugby union's Premiership.