Daily Dose - 010602 - GROANERS

It's time to clear out some of these Groaners that have been piling up.

LORENA'S SISTER

Hey did you guys here what happened this time in the Bobbit family?

Lorena Bobbitt's younger sister was arrested for attempt to perpetrate the same crime on her husband as her sister, except that she missed and cut him on the leg.

She's been charged with a "mis-de-weiner".

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THREE LITTLE PIGS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

You're gonna hate me for this....

Hold on to your seat .......

The third piggie says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

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MARCUS AND YACOV

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest black cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world,"

Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "There is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from...And it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?" He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

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TWO HUNGRY ROBINS

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. As soon as they had fallen asleep, a big, fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

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The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

And he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!" The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"

And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?" And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

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Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"No!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

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Moan & Groan Alert.....

A famous movie star decided he would increase his considerable fortune by raising thoroughbred horses. He bought a ranch in Kentucky, bought several promising young horses, and hired some experts to raise them while he followed other pursuits.

He quickly found, however, that the money flow was only in one direction -- out of his pocket. He decided to make a surprise visit to his ranch, and found to his horror, that he had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy race horses.

Each horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly sedentary life. The horses were grossly overweight. Moreover, they were so unused to moving rapidly that many small birds had built nests in their hair, and these birds were busy raising their young.

He was incensed and fired all his ranch hands. Next, he grabbed a ladder and garden rake, and he started cleaning up his horses, ripping the bird nests from off their backs. In his anger, he gave these now immortal instructions to his new helpers. ... "Beast is Beast, and Nest is Nest, and Never the Mane Shall Tweet!"

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.

One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him, "it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."

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Jake walks into a bar, sits down and says, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

Jake says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"

BarTender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir' !"

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As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.

"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."

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ENOUGH !!!! I can't take anymore...