Daily Dose - 010530 - spike the milk, BIZARRE NEWS, Controller Stories, DDL, Hey Martha
There was a nun whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Holidays
MARCH
March is... National Furniture Refinishing Month
March 5 is... Multiple Personalities Day
March 7 is... National Crown Roast Of Pork Day
March 8 is... Be Nasty Day
March 9 is... Panic Day
March 10 is... Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 11 is... Worship of Tools Day
March 15 is... Buzzard's Day
March 20 is... Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
March 22 is... National Goof-off Day
March 18 is... Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 22 is... National Goof-off Day
March 27 is... National "Joe" Day
March 28 is... Something On A Stick Day
March 31 is... Bunsen Burner Day
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The Sweet Taste of Success?
SWITZERLAND - Have you ever thought about what happened to those odd kids in your grammar school that used to eat paste and construction paper? Evidentially they grew up and moved to Switzerland where they now eat toilet paper.
At least that might be the case for Roger Weisskopf, whose claim to fame is his unusual ability to identify different brands of toilet paper by taste.
Weisskopf demonstrated his natural "talent" on German television and has a won a lifetime supply of toilet paper.
Weisskopf reportedly practiced for an entire year and begged friends to bring back foreign toilet paper.
Now that he has won his prize he has decided to give up eating toilet paper and concentrate making a singing toilet lid to cash in on his fame.
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Man Mauled While Using Litter Box
BEIJING, China - A group of Bengal tigers were not happy when their keeper tried to use their "litter box."
Xu Xiaodong, 19, appears to have climbed the railings of the Bengal tiger cage and pulled his trousers down. Evidence at the scene of the death at the Jinan animal park included toilet paper, excrement and a trouser belt.
Zoo officials found the young man's blood soaked body lying on the ground surrounded by tigers.
Police believe Xu climbed the wall of a partially constructed building used to raise the tigers to relieve himself.
They said the smell probably caused the tigers to pounce.
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Archaeologists Expose 'Drinking Penis' at Museum
LONDON, England - Archaeologists have exposed a "Drinking Penis" at the Museum of London which was found during a dig in the cities outskirts.
The phallic-shaped cup is believed to date from the late Stuart period and is being hailed as the only known example of its kind.
The cup features lifelike testicles and an "anatomically correct" opening at the end.
Its original maker also added a small cup above the base and covered it with floral designs in blue and purple.
According to Hazel Forsyth, curator of museum's late collection, the piece reflected the period's "rather bawdy sense of humor" but it is also in remarkably good condition.
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Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell
The Milwaukee Sentinel reports a surge in popular music at funeral services, recently including "Stairway to Heaven," presumably as baby boomers begin to die off.
Local funeral director Mark Krause said, "For one young man, we played Led Zeppelin all night long. I think some of the older people were uncomfortable, but the boy's friends totally embraced it."
Krause added, "We even had a biker funeral where they played 'Born To Be Wild.'"
Several area funeral directors report having funerals marked by every style of popular music, including rock, country, swing and even polka.
Evidently, "Roll Out the Coffin" is more stirring than Mozart or Bach.
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Jam Inheritance Proves To Be Grave Matter
ROMANIA - A thirty-seven-year-old Romanian sought revenge against his recently deceased mother-in-law after learning she bequeathed him a single pot of jam in her will.
Claudiu Vlad, from Buzau, got back at his mother-in-law by selling her grave to unsuspecting neighbor Costel Petrache without telling him that Roxana Petrescu's body was still in it.
However, Petrache discovered the body two weeks later after his own father died and is now suing Vlad for fraud.
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Controller Stories
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
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A controller working a busy pattern told a 727 on downwind to make two three sixties (do two complete circles, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three sixty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
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DDL
A poor toothless fellow named Keith
Had not one above nor beneath.
For a dollar he bought
Dentures clumsily wrought.
Friends asked, "Where did you get those buck teeth?"
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"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
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Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
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If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Man accumulates 154 tons of garbage
SAN SEBASTIAN DE LOS REYES, Spain (AP) -- Workers equipped with a bulldozer, face masks and a court order have removed 154 tons of garbage from a man's home outside Madrid.
The job took two weeks, with 30 truckloads of trash hauled away from the house and surrounding lot in San Sebastian de los Reyes, municipal spokesman Luis Candil said.
Municipal officials got a court order after the owner, 58-year-old Antonio Villalba, refused repeated requests from neighbors and city officials to clean up his yard and house. It stank and there were rats on the premises, the newspaper El Pais said.
The house was so packed with everything from tin cans to car parts that Villalba lived in a tiny compartment in the back and reached it through a tunnel carved out of the garbage, reports said.
Villalba, a widower who lived alone, was taken to a nursing home when the cleanup began two weeks ago, Candil said. He remained there Tuesday but was free to go home, Candil said.
Neighbors told Spanish newspapers Villalba used to work in the Spanish mint.