Daily Dose - 010529 - Catholic boys, Joke-A-Day News, DC-10, little leprechaun, DDL, Hey Martha

There were two Catholic boys, Tim Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they both attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, they became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time, the Pope did die. The College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, a new Pope was chosen. The world, Catholics, Protestants, and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy was chosen.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked the Cardinals for a private session with them and asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal rose to reply: "We knew you were the better of the two, but we could not bear the thought of the head of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

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Joke-A-Day News (satire)

NAACP CALLS FOR BOYCOTT OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Kweisi Mfume, head of the NAACP, is calling for African-Americans to boycott traffic lights throughout the country.

"We can no remain silent on this travesty of inequality," Mfume told a gathering of utility workers in Madison, Wisconsin. "'People of color' are reminded day in and day out that our skin color isn't 'good enough' to be represented on a traffic signal!"

Mfume suggested until the light sequence be changed from its traditional red, yellow, and green configuration to a more "racially balanced" neon, tan, and black-light, African-Americans ignore the traffic signals and "get on down the road, Jack."

Mfume then unveiled a prototype version of his suggested traffic signal. Neon, tan, and black-light bulbs on four sides encased in an all black metal structure in the shape of Malcom X's head.

The foreman of the utility workers, Stanley Jenkins, asked Mfume about safety, and whether or not traffic accidents would rise as a result of changing the lighting sequence and the inability of a motorist to see the black case at night.

Mfume responded, "That's bullshit, man. Did you see any traffic tie-ups when Lincoln freed the slaves?"

Mfume fumed when asked several times to spell his name by reporters. Gordon Jackson of the Washington Post muttered, "How the fuck do you pronounce that?"

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LOVEY HOWELL DIARY SOLD AT CHRISTIE'S AUCTION -- REVEALS LOVE TRYST WITH GILLIGAN, PROFESSOR

The diary of Eunice "Lovey" Howell was sold at Christie's auction house today to a representative of Professor Roy Hinkley, Ph.D., during a sealed bid.

Hinkley, known as The Professor, was trying to keep the stories of his love affair with the wife of Thurston Howell III while shipwrecked on a deserted island a secret.

But investigators for Fox News and the Jerry Springer Show blew the lid off of the steamy memoirs. Page after lurid page of secret meetings with "My Bendy Boy, sweet Gilligan" and "Rocket Man", an obvious reference to the Professor.

Reached at the Pacific Bay Retirement Home, Willy Gilligan was asked about his affair with "Lovey". "She was a wild woman. Thurston couldn't handle her. She was too much woman for him. We used to sneak off down to the lagoon when everyone else was asleep. Everyone thought I was doing Mary Ann, but, it was the Skipper she had the hots for. Go figure."

Gilligan admitted Mrs. Howell had used some of Thurston's own money to set up a trust fund for Gilligan so he could live out his days in comfort once they returned to the mainland. He confesses that he was angry when he found out about Mrs. Howell's additional affair with The Professor, but has come to grips with it.

"You see, all Thurston thought about was money. Stock markets. I was her lover because I had youth and stamina. The Professor, though, he taught her things. He showed her how to build a nuclear reactor from a coconut. He taught her how to extract gold from seawater using nothing but a papaya. That always got her hot. The more I think about it, the more I truly believe the reason the Professor could never fix the boat was because he was boning Mrs. Howell."

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PYLE SELECTED AS JOINT CHIEFS' CHAIRMAN

General Gomer Pyle was selected by President Bush as his nominee as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

In a career dating from the early sixties, General Pyle rapidly advanced through the ranks, even though stationed only at Camp Henderson in California for the last 37 years.

President Bush praised General Pyle in a speech from the Rose Garden. "General Pyle embodies the hope and dreams of all Americans when you can rise from a simple mechanic at Wally's Service Station in Mayberry to the highest military rank in the US Armed Forces." The President then giggled, smirked, and said, "Heh, kind of like me."

General Pyle shook the President's hand, shrugged, and said, "Surprise, surprise, surprise, Mr. President! Well, Golllee -- I can't tell you how much this means to me. Can I get you to autograph my hat? And, I'd like to take a few pictures. Would you mind if I got Sergeant Carter to come on up here. He looks a little upset, Mr. President. You think he's mad that I outrank him now?"

General Pyle's said his first task is the ongoing commitments in Bosnia. "I plan on deploying Aunt Bee from Mayberry with her blueberry cobbler. ShaZAM! but that'd end that fussing over there in just a second!"

It's expected General Pyle will order the military to start exchanging its exisiting MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) packets with Moon Pies and RC Cola.

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A DC-10 had a exceedingly long roll out after landing at SJC with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "Let me see what you'reb holding in your hand." The boy said, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away."

He was sent to the principal's office and the principal requested, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." The little boy said, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand? The little boy said, "Mom, its It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away."

He was sent to his room until his dad came in and demanded, "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." Again, the little boy said, "It's a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he run away."

Dad got really mad and yelled, "Stop being a smart aleck and open your hand NOW!"

The little boy did, and said, "Way to go dad, you scared the shit out of him."

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DDL

One dark night, a lady from Snelling,
Awoke with a curious swelling,
In the palm of her hand.
It was, Yes!, A male gland!
But whose, she had no way of telling.

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The language of diplomacy.

A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home. When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said,

"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, the wine as old as the chicken, the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect."

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Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?

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I gaze at the brilliant full moon.

The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.

They gasp with wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, March 9, 2001

Lunar loophole

Company selling land on the moon

By MICHELLE MARK -- Calgary Sun

CALGARY -- In a deal that is out of this world, a Canadian company is selling Calgarians their spot on the final frontier.

In the business of selling prime real estate on the moon at $22.96 an acre, Moon Land Registry is helping Calgarians stake their lunar claims at Chinook Centre until 9 p.m. Saturday.

"You never know what the future holds," said Lisa Fulkerson, president of the Ontario-based Moon Land Registry.

In 1980, American Dennis Hope filed a Declaration of Ownership with the United Nations and American government, claiming title to the Earth's moon, all the planets and their moons after discovering a loophole in 1967's international Outer Space Treaty.

"It basically said that no nation or government could claim title to our solar system," said Fulkerson. "It did not, however, say that no individual or corporation could claim title to it."

Fulkerson purchased the Canadian rights to 12 million acres of the Moon's surface from Hope in 1999.

With 105,000 acres sold in the registry's first year of operation, sale price of the land includes a deed for the land, a map, a constitution, mineral rights and a gift box.

Chinook Centre management investigated the Moon Land Registry before renting them temporary space in the mall and says skeptics can rest easy.

"We did our homework on finding out if this really is legitimate -- and yes they are," said Special leasing manager Aline Barker.