Daily Dose - 010528 - neglect, do something we wouldn't do, 80th birthday, fur coat, trying to remember, Roses, cutting you off, special tatoo, The Onion

David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"David!! David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

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On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

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A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary. A reported asked, "Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?"

"Well," the old-timer told him, "when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block. You'd be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!"

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A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA," he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that, she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest." she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards, it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

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As a court reporter, I've seen perfectly articulate witnesses stumble and hem and haw when asked, "When were you married?" The presence of a spouse only seems to compound the misery.

One woman watched her while husband shifted uncomfortably while trying to remember their anniversary.

"It's alright honey," she interjected. "just as long as you remember that you are married".

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April Fool!!!!

I saw him at a restaurant with his "other woman" seated in the corner of the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous. I went to the head waiter and told him I wanted to send a cake over to my friend's table since he and his "wife" were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

If you've ever been to a place like Bennigans where the waiters and waitresses come singing and banging pots when they deliver a cake to your table, you can imagine what happened next.

Four waiters and three waitresses carrying a cake with a sparkler marched over to their table singing "Happy Anniversary, Carole and Mark... Happy... Happy... Happy Anniversary."

Talk about someone looking for the exits!

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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

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Roses....

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary or something?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

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Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."

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Jim a coworker of mine is a young wild sort of guy. Every weekend he is off doing something with his friends. Skiing in the local mountains, taking the motorcycles to the desert, going to Laker games, etc. Rachel, his girlfriend of just about a year, is constantly harping on him to do something with her on the weekends. She is right of course, they have only been dating for a year and he is already acting like they have been married for two decades.

When we have those buddy to buddy chats at work, I keep telling him to do something with her or at least occasionally do something special. He listens, but as soon as a friend calls with tickets to the Dodger game, or some other activity, off he goes. And he wonders why his girlfriend is always mad at him. He is a smooth talker and tries things like saying "but I thought you said it was okay if I went camping this weekend". Of course this never works, but he tries anyway.

Last Friday he was telling me that he was planning to do something special. Rachel had driven home the fact that Sunday was their one year anniversary and he better not go out with his friends. Of course he was planning to go bar hoping with his friends Friday night, but he had made big plans for Sunday. He told me about the reservations at Guido's, the restaurant they went to on their first date, the gift he had bought, etc.

I was surprised at this sudden change of character. Then he said "I'm going to get a tattoo with her name on it." I pointed out the pitfalls of such a thing. He thought it over and said he would come up with something else.

Well Monday morning came by and I asked how the weekend went. "Great, until Sunday night" he replied.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well Rachel was pretty mad about me going out Friday night. In fact she refused to see me Saturday. Sunday I convinced her to let me take her out for our anniversary." Jim told me.

"Friday and Saturday I spent hanging with my friends. I got a little drunk and decided to get that tattoo I was talking about."

"You didn't get her named tattooed on you did you?" I asked.

"No. I knew you were right, so I got the words 'I love you' tattooed on my penis."

"Your penis!? What ever for!?!"

"Well I didn't want anyone to see my romantic tattoo" he sadly told me. "I figured only Rachel would see it there."

I was stunned, I mean didn't that hurt? He told me he was too drunk to notice. Jim went on to tell me about the romantic dinner Sunday night, how happy Rachel was with the gift. The lovely time they had strolling along the beach and the romantic mood she was in when they returned to his house.

"Then I got undressed" he said recalling the events. "I told her I had one more surprise and I showed her my tattoo. I was crushed when she said 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'!"

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The Onion (satire)

New Yangtze Dam To Provide Enough Hydroelectricity To Shock 1.2 Billion Chinese Genitals

YICHANG, CHINA--Despite ongoing controversy, construction is proceeding as planned on the Three Gorges Dam, which, if all goes according to plan, will generate enough hydroelectric power to shock the genitalia of China's 1.2 billion citizens, Chinese officials said Monday.

"With the successful completion of this most ambitious engineering project, China will finally enter the modern age, forever putting to rest the doubts and misconceptions of those who see our great nation as an undeveloped and socially backwards country," said Chinese president Jiang Zemin, speaking at an official ceremony commemorating the fifth anniversary of the project, which broke ground on Feb. 22, 1994. "This dam will stand alongside the Great Wall of China as one of the true wonders of the world, and, at long last, we will be known as a progressive, industrialized nation that tortures the genitals of its populace in the most technologically advanced manner possible."

"It will indeed be a great day," he added, "when all the people of our nation can stand together and proudly get their genitalia shocked as one."

The $30 billion project will dam the Yangtze River, the third largest in the world and the cradle of Chinese civilization, flooding the entire river valley and creating a 411-mile-wide artificial lake behind the completed structure. Though the dam has come under fire from environmentalists and human-rights groups concerned about the irreparable damage it will cause China's indigenous ecosystems and genitalia, officials at the National People's Congress in Beijing maintain that the dam is necessary, not only to control the oft-raging floodwaters of the Yangtze River system, but to meet the emerging nation's ever-growing need for more genital-electrocution power.

"Nearly three-quarters of the energy currently used to torture the genitalia of China comes from the burning of coal," Chinese Premier Li Peng said in a nationally broadcast radio address all Chinese citizens were required to listen to or risk lifelong prison-camp internment. "Soot and smoke from this coal blankets China's largest cities, and lung disease from this pollution is now second only to genitalia-electrocution as our nation's leading cause of death."

Concluded Li: "Only by converting to cleaner, more modern, more efficient hydroelectric power can we solve this problem and meet our burgeoning genitalia-electrocution needs in the next century and beyond. Thank you. You may now resume your scheduled work-details. War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength."

Though some critics have argued that the project's extensive impact on the heavily populated Yangtze River Valley makes it unfeasible, Chinese officials noted that the forced relocation of the 4.3 million citizens whose homes will be flooded is proceeding ahead of schedule, with over 650,000 already relocated or shot. Responding to objections that the dam will submerge over 1,000 historical sites, the government has promised that the vast majority of these archeological treasures will be moved from harm's way by slave-labor armies of political dissidents and graduate students.

Furthermore, though the dam will cause the extinction of several local species, including the Giant River Sturgeon, Chinese leadership remains convinced that these extinctions are no cause for alarm.

"The Giant River Sturgeon is of no practical value to the People's Republic, anyway," an official statement from Beijing read. "Its genitals are so tiny, they are barely even electrocutable."

Despite the numerous criticisms, the Chinese people are steadfast in their support of the dam.

"I am proud and happy to do my duty and relocate my ancestral farm to a luxurious, modern refugee camp hundreds of miles from here," rice farmer Jiao Huang, 88, told reporters at gunpoint, flanked by an elite squadron of Red Army stormtroopers. "It is my fondest wish that I, though an old man, will live to see the day when my family and I, along with the rest of our countrymen, will be ennobled by the honor of attaching the glorious electrodes of the state to our burn-blackened genitals and together cry out with agonizing pain in celebration of this great achievement for our nation."

"Death to the hated Giant River Sturgeon, enemy of the Republic!" he added, after being prodded with a rifle butt.