Daily Dose - 010527 - six months pregnant, BIZARRE NEWS, Civil War battle sites, cup of flour, DDL, Hey Martha

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Criminal Acts

In order not to be identified by his clothing, a North Carolina bank robber stripped to his underwear and shoved a large wad of cash inside them. He was later "debriefed" when someone reported a man with strangely bulging underwear running down the street.

A man with dreams of being a pizza delivery boy was arrested after going knocking on the doors of an apartment complex wearing nothing but a baseball hat. The man was caught while trying to jump over a fence and was booked in thirty minutes or less.

Louis Abright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of a local bank in Lafayette, Louisiana with his head covered in whipped cream. By the time he demanded the money from the teller, his mask had melted and the police arrived lickity spilt.

An immigration officer stopped a truck filled with illegal aliens and asked if anyone spoke English. When they all said no, he told them he was going to shoot them all, starting with the ones with brown shoes. As he drew his pistol, three men stepped forward and took the role of translator for the group.

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Hit The Deck and Give Me 20 Contractions!

LEXINGTON. Va. - The venerable Virginia Military Institute is home to 160 years of military tradition, and now its first mother.

Since VMI began to allow female students in 1997 it has struggled through several embarrassing incidents of sexual misconduct.

Now VMI is now planning how to accommodate its first pregnant cadet.

School officials said the cadet, whom they declined to identify, has a choice of taking a leave of absence, living in separate quarters, or remaining in the barracks.

For now, she has chosen to remain in the barracks and to continue with the academic and physical program.

Officials said the cadet did not violate any rules and that no disciplinary action would be taken.

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Woman Says Reach Out and Touch This

TAIWAN - A Taiwanese woman learned the hard way of how not to reach out to touch someone.

Doctors at the Taipei Medical University hospital had to surgically remove a Nokia cell phone from the 20-year-old's rectum after it became stuck there during a bizarre sex game with her boyfriend.

Hospital staffers speculated that the phone was used as a stimulatory device because of its vibrating feature.

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He Wasn't Wearing Gloves for This One Either

MIAMI, Fla. - O.J. Simpson, the sports and movie celebrity found innocent of stabbing his wife to death in 1994, was arrested last week for battery and burglary in Miami.

He supposedly reached into a man's car during a road-rage argument in December.

Motorist Jeffrey Pattinson told police that he slammed on his brakes and honked at a sport-utility vehicle after he saw the SUV drive past a stop sign. Simpson stopped, got out, and walked toward Pattinson's car, where he accosted him.

This is not a unique incident, says Olympic cyclist Thurlow Rogers. He told UPI the confrontation was similar to a situation in 1994 when Simpson almost hit him with his Bentley and then pounded his finger into Rogers' chest while he yelled at him.

If Simpson is convicted he may face up to 16 years behind bars.

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Government Changes Mind to Give Blind Shot in the Dark

The Kentucky Legislature has realized in hindsight that granting the blind the right to carry concealed weapons was not such a good idea.

In 1996, the state lawmakers passed a law allowing residents to obtain a concealed weapons permit as long as they take eight hours of certified training, pass a written test and can hit a body-like target 21 feet away 11 times out of 20.

A new bill was introduced this week that requires those seeking a permit to submit a doctor's statement saying their sight is at least 20/40.

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Man Becomes Butt of a Bad Practical Joke

WOODBINE, New Jersey - A New Jersey man became the "butt" of a bad practical joke after being shot to death during a party at his home.

Anthony Saduk Jr., 29, and his roommate, Wesley Geisinger, 31, were reportedly hosting a party at their home on Freemont Avenue when Saduk loaded a muzzleloader rifle with cigarette butts and paper towel wadding.

Saduk aimed and fired the rifle at Geisinger, who was standing nearby, and he was hit in the chest. Geisinger collapsed and was later pronounced dead at the scene.

Autopsy reports show that three cigarette butts had penetrated his rib cage directly above his heart, causing his death.

Saduk has been charged with aggravated manslaughter, in addition to two counts of aggravated assault in connection with another incident at the party where he shot at Geisinger and Joseph Johnson, 32, with a .44-caliber muzzleloader pistol loaded with gunpowder.

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A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

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The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored. The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." They went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".

So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate.

The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got double barrels!"

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DDL

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled my prick
and shivered my balls
And made me shit in my overalls!

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To err is human; to purr, feline.

To err is human; two curs, canine.

To err is human; to do nothing, benign.

To err is human; to quit, resign.

To err is human; to howl about it, lupine.

To err is human; to solve it, design.

To err is human; to admit it, asinine.

To err is human; to moo bovine.

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What's the favorite TV show in Arkansas?

Touched By An Uncle.

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

Minnesota humour coming to Silicon Valley

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) -- Commuters in California's Silicon Valley will get a taste of Minnesota humour over the next couple of months as they drive past a new billboard: "White Outs -- Occasional. Black Outs -- Never."

The $50,000 sign, playing on Minnesota's ferocious winters and California's infamous energy woes, displays the address of a Web site that links to the Minnesota Department of Trade and Economic Development.

"Everybody knows Minnesota has long winters," said Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura. "But maybe they don't know what a great state this is for business."

The billboard went up last Tuesday near the San Jose International Airport, where it will stay for about two months.

Ventura plans to follow up with letters to executives of about 500 Silicon Valley companies, asking them to consider expanding or relocating to Minnesota.

Since the California energy crisis began making national news, several similar advertising campaigns have targeted Silicon Valley companies.

Michigan sent 4,500 businesses a glow-in-the-dark mouse pad. Tennessee mailed out flashlights. And Anchorage, Alaska, has been running ads featuring a grizzly bear and the slogan, "We've got the power."