Daily Dose - 010523 - Late again, BIZARRE NEWS, shouts of victory, pharmacists' convention, DDL, Hey Martha
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)
"It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'.
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Excuses for Missing School
[These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) from some schools in Texas.]
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
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GM Makes Delicious New Partnership
AUSTIN, Minn. - In addition to factory air and leather bucket seats, your new GM automobile will also likely include pork shoulders.
This is the result of a recent partnership between General Motors Corp. and Hormel, the company that makes Spam.
The glue that holds this partnership together is a miracle binding agent made from pork and turkey byproducts. The animal protein collagen extracted from these byproducts is ideal for creating the sand molds used to caste metal parts.
In the past, said Hormel president Joel Johnson, toxic chemicals have been used to bind sand to create molds. The sand they bind is not recyclable, and this presents a "severe pollution problem."
The new GMBond is an alternative to those chemicals.
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Shriners Take It In The Chops For Taking It In The Chops
WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A group of Shriners has sparked a major uproar in Winnipeg after it was reported the fez-festooned members held a men-only fundraiser for sick children that featured nude dancers and public sex acts.
The controversy erupted following newspaper reports that a "Gentlemen's Dinner" fundraiser, organized by the Shriners' motor patrol unit, included two nude dancers who climbed on top of a banquet table where several men touched and engaged in oral sex with them in front of hundreds of male guests.
[Canadian Shriners, nude dancers...hmmm. Thanks to Pete for pointing us to this story.]
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Mind Control Foiled By Aluminum Beanie
All of the victims of cranium invasion can finally put their minds at ease. A non-commercial internet site has devoted its time and effort to developing a beanie that can stop a person from having his or her brain invaded.
The product is an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB), which reportedly is a type of head-wear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind-control carriers.
The site provides plans and photographs on how to make a beanie, entirely from foil, that wards off mind-control signals.
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Gun Trouble Leads Indiana Man to the Ultimate Face-Off
JAY COUNTY, Indiana - A 19-year-old Indiana man entered a "Face-Off" with a loaded firearm and lost.
After having apparent trouble firing the gun, Gregory David Pryor decided to look down the barrel to find the source of the problem.
Apparently it was just a user error, because the gun fired and shot him in the face.
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Mugger Makes A Spec-tacle With Eyeglass Fetish
A mugger could have been suffering from "optical delusions" that stolen glasses made him better in bed.
Police arrested the man after he mugged a stranger on the street and stole his spectacles.
According to his wife, the only way he could become aroused was when he wore a freshly-stolen pair of glasses. She says he would return from walks with a pair of stolen glasses and insist she wore her usual pair.
Police reportedly found more than 50 pairs of expensive designer glasses in his flat.
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The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
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The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."
"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."
"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic lays?"
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DDL
A fellow from out near Pike's peak,
Stood up in a large crowd to speak,
Got a tear in his eye,
When he noticed his fly,
Had been opened since he last took a leak.
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My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns orange....
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!
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The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected, and *both* sides think you're a pervert!
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, January 29, 2001
Couple discovers KFC secret?
SHELBYVILLE, Ky. (AP) -- The handwritten note that Tommy and Cherry Settle discovered in their basement a year ago could be the answer to one of the best kept culinary secrets: Colonel Harland Sanders' recipe for fried chicken.
The couple bought their Shelbyville home, a white mansion on U.S. 60 West, from Sanders and his wife, Claudia, in the early 1970s.
About a year ago, the two were digging through a box of books from the basement and found a leather-bound date book from 1964, Cherry Settle told the Lexington Herald-Leader.
Among appointments and other notes was a recipe for fried chicken that called for 11 herbs and spices, she said.
It's the same number that makes up the recipe for one of the temples of fast-food culture, KFC's "Original Recipe" fried chicken. The exact blend is a secret as well kept as the formula for Coca-Cola.
The recipe is known by only a handful of people, all of whom have signed confidentiality contracts, according to KFC's Web site.
In putting the recipe together, one company blends a mix that represents only a part of the recipe. Another company blends the remainder, with neither company ever having the complete recipe.
The Settles were considering selling the planner through an auction house, but first they contacted KFC to see whether the company could verify that the recipe was authentic, Settle said.
"They didn't say anything at the time. They just sent this court document to us," she said.
Last week, KFC filed a sealed lawsuit in Shelby County Circuit Court asking that the piece of paper found by the Settles be given to the company.
Amy Sherwood, a spokeswoman for KFC's parent company, referred on Saturday to a prior statement: "While we think it improbable that any individual has the secret recipe to our famous fried chicken, we took Mr. Settle's threat seriously."
Sherwood said she was referring to the company's allegation that the Settles approached KFC looking for payment for the date book. Cherry Settle denied that charge.
The judge handling the case, William Stewart, said he plans to sign an order unsealing the lawsuit on Monday. The Sanders date book is now in a courthouse safe.
Sanders came up with the famous recipe in the late 1930s for Sanders Court and Cafe, his roadside eatery in Corbin, Ky. Back then, the motel and restaurant business seated 142 people. In 1998, more than 10,300 KFC stores generated about $20.6 billion US.