Daily Dose - 010521 - flailing about, The Onion, opposite schedules, teaching her to sew, NEW PHILOSOPHY, DDL, Hey Martha

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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The Onion (satire)

'Army Of One' Campaign Attracting Troubled Loners To Military

WASHINGTON, DC--The Army's new "Army Of One" campaign is attracting millions of troubled loners, recruitment officials said Monday.

"Historically, Army enlistees are creepy, antisocial drifters," said Sgt. Glenn Decinces of the Army's Recruitment Office. "After years of trying to attract stable, achievement-oriented young patriots with the slogan 'Be All You Can Be,' we finally gave up and decided to consciously go after the freakos we've always drawn."

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Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS--At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today.

Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports."

Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

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Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

HYDERABAD, INDIA-- Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room.

"Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva."

Gopalakrishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."

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Report: Overseas Sweatshops Hurting U.S. Sweatshops

WASHINGTON, DC-- According to a Labor Department report released Monday, foreign sweatshops are seriously diminishing the profitability of domestic sweatshops.

"Since January 1999," the report read, "more than 200 U.S. sweatshops have been forced either to close or issue massive layoffs due to unfair competition from Far East sweatshops." Said Bruno Stoops, manager of the Queens, NY, sweatshop Best Fabrics, which employs some 150 illegal Honduran immigrants: "How can I compete with some Hong Kong sweatshop when I'm paying my employees 85 cents an hour and can only force them to work 16-hour days? In Asia, they can produce equally shoddy goods for 13 cents an hour."

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For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

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My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief,

"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

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NEW PHILOSOPHY

I've discovered a wonderful new philosophy that has raised my consciousness as well as my cholesterol.

It's called Tex-Mexistentialism.

It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who wrote, "To Bean, or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso."

He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca, who said, "I Pinto, therefore, Cayenne."

Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker Aristortilla wrote the book Plata's RePulpo.

Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili con Karma - that what Casa round, Carne's around.

And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The Ten Comidas. Here are some of them:

"Thou Salt not Tequila."

"Honor Tamale and thy Papaya."

"Blessed are the Migas, for they shall Ranchero the Burps."

"Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole."

"Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name."

"In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the Hongas and the Verde. And he saw that it was Food."

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DDL

There was a young lady named Bunch,
Who much loved to wriggle and scrunch.
On the Citadel green,
She was screwed by sixteen;
Then she sucked off the Sergeant for lunch.

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"My heart goes out to them."

-- Royal College of Pathologists representative, interviewed on Classic FM about the distress caused to families by the report into the Alder Hey Hospital organ-donor scandal.

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"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

-----Albert Einstein

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A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor.

"'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'P-u-t' means to place a thing where you want it. 'P-u-t-t' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, March 7, 2001

Robber loses keys to the getaway car

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) Ñ A man accused of robbing a gas station may have gotten away Ñ until he lost the keys to the getaway car.

Police say Jeffrey T. Anaya, 35, walked into a Chevron station Sunday and threatened the clerk with a screwdriver. He then allegedly took cash, cigarettes and some lighters before fleeing.

But when he got to his car, he realized he had misplaced the keys. Detective Michael Hughes said the vehicle was unlocked, but the man Òjust couldnÕt start it.Ó

The clerk was on the phone with a 911 operator when Anaya allegedly went back into the store and began looking for the keys.

When officers arrived, he threw up his hands and told them he did it, police said.

Anaya faces a felony charge of robbery.