Daily Dose - 010519 - vision of our Savior, BIZARRE NEWS, indecent thoughts, disgusting to watch, DDL, Hey Martha
A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do ?"
The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy !"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Management Quotes
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
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Ancient Chinese Secret...Huh?
Age-old national relics and priceless works of art were given a thorough scrubbing with soap and water last month when local authorities ordered a cleaning crew into the Confucius Temple in Shandong province, southeast China.
As a result the national treasures at the 2,500-year-old cradle of Chinese civilization are now beyond repair.
The Government responded by sending an investigation team to Shandong. It discovered more evidence of gross negligence, including an incident in which a truck driver backed over a stone tablet covered with priceless calligraphy.
In buildings around Dacheng Hall, the 100 foot-high Confucius memorial near where the sage is said to have taught in 500BC, the paint has peeled off in strips almost a foot long.
Many local people who depend on tourism are outraged.
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Internet Group Lends Support to Well Endowed Males
There is a new website being established to lend support to men with large penises.
The website says it caters to those men with large penises, and those who have been injured by one.
The site's home page reassures everyone, "While it is true that 1.5% of home accidents are caused by large penis-related incidents, only a small number have ever been known to be fatal."
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Man Steals $82,000 One Kilowatt At a Time
A 91-year-old Utah man, who authorities said drew free electricity from a nearby power line for decades, finally faces theft charges.
Clarence Stucki is charged with stealing about $82,000 worth of power -- but officials from Logan Light and Power said Stucki admitted tapping into the line as World War II, so the total is likely much higher.
The statute of limitations, however, prevents Stucki from being charged what the power company considers the full amount.
The old crook would still be getting away with it if he hadn't called his local utility to complain about an outage.
Crews correcting the problem discovered the diverted connection on the roof.
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Would-Be Robber Exchanges Hostage for Chicken Sandwich
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin - Only in Wisconsin would a robber give up a hostage in exchange for a chicken sandwich and a soda.
A knife-wielding robber stormed into a Milwaukee shop and grabbed a young woman, threatening bodily harm unless staff members handed over some cash.
The robber revealed during negotiations with shop worker Jaspal Singh that he was hungry. Singh gave the would-be robber a sandwich and a can of pop in exchange for the girl while discretely dialing the police.
The robber sat and ate until the police arrived to arrest him.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A Shot of Wild Turkey
MARINE ON ST. CORRECT, MN - Mary Lou Ayers had a lovely 8-lb. turkey in her house - and it wasn't even Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, the gobbler wasn't invited.
A wild turkey smashed through an upper-level window of her house Tuesday morning and wreaked havoc in the bedroom, hallway and computer room. Ayers said the bird caused several thousand dollars in damage before it was captured by a sheriff department deputy and a state game warden.
"It was a very tough bird," said Conservation Officer Brad Schultz.
Ayers said her insurance policy won't cover turkey damage.
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While I was shopping the other day, I wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous blonde. Son, talk about *built*. I couldn't help but just stare (leer?) at her and I'm more than positive I had my mouth open.
She caught me staring and suspected I wasn't just admiring her outfit.
She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
I replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."
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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".
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DDL
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
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Q. How do you get your husband interested in giving YOU oral sex?
A. Douche with his favorite beer
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What has 52 teeth and holds back King Kong?
My zipper
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There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, October 28, 2000
Cabby ticketed for 3-year-old in backseat
CHICAGO (AP) -- Cabbies are rallying in support of one of their own who was ticketed because a couple forgot their 3-year-old son in his taxi.
The boy, sound asleep in the vehicle's back seat, was noticed when cabbie Arshad Aziz returned to O'Hare International Airport from dropping off the parents in suburban Highland Park.
The parents were busy unloading luggage and were confused over whether the husband or wife had the child, police said. No action was taken against the parents.
But Aziz was ticketed because a city ordinance requires cabbies to make sure the rear of their vehicles are cleared out after dropping off a passenger. He could face a fine of up to $100 at a Nov. 30 hearing.
"It's utterly ridiculous. This guy is trying to make a living," Anthony Contreras, a dispatcher with Aziz's cab company, City Service Taxi Association, said Thursday.
Contreras said some 50 people had called the company after reading about the incident in the newspapers.
"They are saying the parents should have been more responsible, why blame the driver," said Contreras, an ex-cab driver himself.