Daily Dose - 010515 - pints, Real Resignation Letters, pantyhose, gynecologist, DDL, Hey Martha
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.
The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.
Down they go....One, Two.
As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate."
So the barman fills the glass.
The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
________________________
Real Resignation Letters...
The Resignation Letter of Mr. NB of London, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? Too many references to Maharishi sno-pants, Grolsch and Hoxton
What are you going to do next? Search for authenticity in an offline society, like Guatemala or Honduras. Doesn't really matter, as long as it's "undiscovered".
Job Title E-Commerce Consultant
Industry New Media
What is your salary expectation? £20,000 - £25,000
Dear Crispin,
I am tendering my resignation from crunkass.com. My short time here has been one of despair and misery. Staring into the blank, asexual, arse-chop features of my colleagues every morning has been a constant pleasure surpassed only by observing your talent for employing the talentless nerds in the first place. I'm sorry to hear that you count some of them as sushi-buddies. I can't take the post-modern deconstruction and bad dress sense any longer - I'm off. I'm taking a sabbatical in Guatemala. I've heard life's more authentic out there.
My crazy, stick-thin girlfriend awaits me outside on the Micro-Scooter.
Yours
N
*************
The Resignation Letter of Mr. of quezon city, Philippines
Why did you resign? Im sick of dieting!!!!
What are you going to do next? Go back to college
Job Title Model
Industry Fashion
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000
Dear Mr. Gonsalez,
Goodbye................ Mike
*************
The Resignation Letter of Mr. DJ of Birmingham, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? for giving me the 3-5am slot
What are you going to do next? find a 3-6am slot
Job Title DJ
Industry The Arts
What is your salary expectation? £25,000 - £30,000
Hello Mr Fat Controller
Bollocks to you. I’m off.
Little Richard
___________________________
My two year old was having difficulty with his sitter, so I took him with me to a class I was teaching. While I lectured, he kept rubbing his hands on my ankles.
Thoroughly embarrassed, I apologized, explaining that my boy had just discovered pantyhose and was fascinated with them.
One young man offered, "Don't feel bad, Dr. Sandora. Some of us still are."
__________________________
Jill goes to see the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away.
After hours of waiting, her name is called and she's taken to the examination room. The Doctor asks, "Ok Jill, what is your problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time. He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks...
"I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
__________________________
DDL
A Chinaman named Wong from Haiphong
Got a job ringing bells with his dong.
But the Emperor said, "I
Had to can the poor guy
When Wong's superhard schlong broke my gong."
__________________________
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
__________________________
Little Johnny was a scientist.
Little Johnny is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
was H2SO4.
__________________________
Sign on the door of a maternity ward in a hospital: 'push, push, push'
__________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, March 15, 2001
Racking up a world record
By CARY CASTAGNA-- Sun Media
Crystal Storm (Courtesy of the Crystal Storm Web site)
WINNIPEG -- They cost her $30,000.
But Crystal Storm says her massive mammaries are worth every penny.
The 5-foot-4 stripper, titillating crowds at Teaser's Burlesque Cabaret in suburban St. Boniface this week, is billed as the owner of the world's largest chest.
Ripley's Believe It or Not! recently measured her twin peaks at 57F.
Pound for pound, nobody's bigger. Her treasure chest weighs a combined 40 pounds.
"Almost a third of my body weight is right up high," the 140-pound Hollywood resident said. "I didn't try to be the biggest, it just kind of happened that way."
Seven years ago, Storm decided to see a plastic surgeon.
"I just decided to do it out of the blue," she said. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Not that she was flat. The top-heavy beauty was already an F-cup when she had her custom-made implants installed.
"It's two bags, one inside the other," she explained. "The inner one is silicone. The outer one is saline. That way if it busts, the silicone can't get into your body."
For the seven years Storm has been dancing, she's parlayed her bosoms into a passport to fame and fortune.
"The best part is I get to travel all around the world and meet a lot of nice people and see a lot of interesting things."
She says she's the biggest novelty act on the circuit today -- in more ways than two.
Of course, owning watermelon-sized breasts also has its disadvantages. Storm doesn't go jogging or bowling. Even driving a car is difficult.
"They can get in the way at times," she said with a laugh. "If you have to make a quick turn, you might be in trouble or somebody else might be in trouble."
Of course, she doesn't need an air bag.
Then there's finding clothes -- and industrial-strength bras.