Daily Dose - 010514 - season ticket, BIZARRE NEWS, tunnel under the English Channel, driveway, DDL, Hey Martha
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
_________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Laws
CALIFORNIA
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Baldwin Park, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
In Belvedere, there is a City Council order which reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
In Los Angeles, you may not hunt moths under a street light and toads may not be licked.
In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
In San Francisco, persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
**********
Breast Milk Keeps Stranded Boating Victims Afloat
PUERTO RICO - A group of stranded boating victims made the b(r)e(a)st of a bad situation.
Young mother Elena Mercedes managed to keep the crew afloat, so to speak, when they ran out of food by having each person suckle milk from her breasts.
Each sucked Mercedes's breasts for just a few seconds a day, while she was fed by mouth by her sister.
The group made the journey in the hope of finding work in Puerto Rico, but their wooden boat's compass broke and they drifted back to shore after 12 days. All passengers are said to be doing fine, although Mercedes apparently hasn't been able to breastfeed since the ordeal.
[As the waves forced the boat to rock, do you think everyone tasted milkshakes?]
**********
Back Procedure Makes Female Patient Feel O-So-Good
WASHINGTON - Who would have ever thought that undergoing treatment for chronic back pain could be such an orgasmic experience.
But a female patient of North Carolina surgeon Stuart Meloy certainly changed her tune as she received an orgasm while the doctor placed pain-relieving electrodes in her spine.
The patient was reportedly conscious throughout the operation so she could help him find the right spot, but when she started shouting it was for all the wrong reasons.
She then told Meloy, "You'll have to teach my husband to do that."
The good doctor is going above and beyond that step by working on a hand held remote control device that will be able to trigger an orgasm at the push of a button.
The only drawback, according to Meloy, is that the device is as invasive as a pacemaker and should only be used for extreme cases."
**********
Ingested Dough Not Too Hard for Smuggler to Swallow
COLOMBIA - A wad of dough was obviously not too hard for a Colombian man to swallow.
Alejandro Londono, 25, was arrested for money laundering at an airport in the western city of Pereira after allegedly swallowing $40,000 and trying to smuggle it into the country.
Apparently Londono packed the cash inside fingers cut from latex surgical gloves, each of which contained notes of eight denominations, and swallowed them.
**********
Get 'Em Before They're Corrupted!
WALL TOWNSHIP, NJ - Kyle Connor is perfectly willing to report for jury duty. But he'd have to ask his mom for a ride and get his teacher to excuse him from elementary school.
Connor is 8 years old. What's even more bizarre is that this is the second time he has been asked to report for jury duty! The first was when he was 5.
Court officials said Connor probably was flagged *twice* by computers that compile lists of potential jurors and track, among other things, recipients of dividend and interest payments.
He was excused from appearing but Kyle says, "I'd just like to try it."
[I wonder if he'll be asked to register at Social Services next!]
**********
Plan For First Nude Medical Clinic Dies On Table
NAPLES, Florida - The St. Petersburg Times reported that Dr. William Charles Leach has been given an indefinite suspension by the Florida Board of Medicine for exposing himself to his patients.
On at least three separate occasions Dr. Leach has dropping his pants, discussed medical charts in the buff and attempted to conduct examinations in various stages of undress.
"...he took off his laboratory coat and his shirt and pants," commented one patient. "He then stood naked in front of [me] and asked me to comment on his appearance."
Leach has stated that he plans to create the first nude medical clinic in Florida, but complaints by patients have prompted the board to suspend him, aborting the project prematurely.
________________________
When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates ran in the millions of pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.
"Considering equipment and labor costs", the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"
"It's simple," the contractor replied. "My partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and starts digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet -- and you've got a tunnel!"
"But what if you never meet?"
"Then you've got TWO tunnels."
__________________________
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
__________________________
DDL
There was a young woman named Lily,
Who chanced to be born with a willy.
Since she had a cunt too,
When she felt like a screw
She could lie back and screw herself silly!
__________________________
Q. How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A. Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
__________________________
What's the definition of eternity?
A. Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop
__________________________
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out. "
__________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 2, 2001
A midsummer night's toke?
By RAVI NESSMAN -- Associated Press
William Shakespeare.
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (AP) -- Several 17th-century clay pipes found on the site of
William Shakespeare's home may have been used to smoke marijuana, scientists have reported.
The Shakespeare Birthplace Trust in Stratford-upon-Avon in England allowed South African
researchers to analyze 24 pipe fragments in Pretoria.
Though marijuana degrades over time, eight of those pipe fragments showed signs suggestive
of marijuana, the scientists said. Two of the pipe samples tested also showed evidence of
cocaine.
Others showed traces of tobacco, camphor and a chemical with hallucinogenic properties, the
study said.
"We do not claim that any of the pipes belonged to Shakespeare himself. However, we do know
that some of the pipes come from the area in which he lived, and they date to the 17th
century," said Francis Thackeray of the Transvaal Museum, one of the researchers.
Georgianna Ziegler, head of reference for the Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, said
scholars had no proof Shakespeare took narcotics.
"I'm not saying that Shakespeare would never have drunk, or eaten, or smoked marijuana,
because it was used as a medical remedy at the time. But we have no evidence that he ever
used it for pleasure," she said.
John Henry, toxicologist and professor at London's Imperial College of Medicine, who was not
affiliated with the study, said it was possible that coca leaves -- which contain a small
amount of cocaine -- "were smoked by people in Britain in the 17th century."
Cocaine itself did not come to Britain until about 1900, but coca leaves, chewed by many
Incas in the 1500s, were transported to Europe in the 17th century by Spanish explorers.
The results of the study are published in the South African Journal of Science.