Daily Dose - 010513 - parachuting lessons, National Lampoon, GAY GROCERY SHOPPING, high birth rate, DDL, Hey Martha

A man was taking parachuting lessons. Being of a practical mind, he asked his instructor what to do in the event of the parachute not opening.

"Open your spare," said the instructor.

Well, the man thought this was reasonable, but since things can and do go wrong all the time, he asked what would happen if the spare wouldn't open.

The instructor leaned in close and said, "Well, if that doesn't work, the only thing left is to shout 'Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!'"

The man thought this was a little odd, but made note of it anyway.

Well, the day came for our budding parachutist to make his first jump. The plane went up to 10,000 feet and out he went. At the appropriate altitude, he pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. Alarmed, but not panicking, the man tried his spare. Nothing happened. By now he was starting to get a bit worried. But he remembered what his instructor had told him and shouted, "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!"

Two big, brown hands came down out of the clouds above and gently caught the man, cradling him safe from harm.

Astonished, the man shrieked, "Jesus Christ!"

The hands let go.

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National Lampoon

Earnhardt Funeral Procession Sets Record

Mooresville, NC - In a private ceremony held open only to close family and friends, Dale Earnhardt was laid to rest after the fastest funeral procession ever held on American soil.

Only moments after Chaplain Dale Beaver completed his eulogy, family and friends piled into hearses waiting outside the church to complete the 11-mile drive to the cemetery. Led by a black 2001 Chevrolet Monte Carlo pace car, the procession glided somberly through the streets of rural North Carolina. But the stately 15 miles-per-hour pace soon proved too slow for the mourners, and quickly devolved into a full-fledged race.

Despite rainy conditions, it soon became obvious that this would be a new world’s record to the cemetery. While most "street" hearses sport a 155 horsepower V-6 with 185 pounds of torque, the drivers’ NASCAR-modified hearses boasted 750 horsepower V-8’s with 490 pounds of torque @ 7000 RPM. Not only that, but in memory of The Intimidator, the fuel-restrictor plates had been removed, allowing the hearses to reach their full speeds of upwards of 225 miles per hour.

Jeff Gordon’s DuPont Eagle Chevrolet hearse took an early lead, followed closely by longtime family friend and competitor Rusty Wallace in his Miller Lite Lincoln Eureka Brougham End-Load. Several daring lead changes occurred as the drivers negotiated the speed bumps in front of Rockingham Elementary School, leaving Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in front of the pack.

But before he could take the final turn into the cemetery driveway, Dale Jr. swapped paint with Bobby Labonte, causing the younger Earnhardt to spin hard into a concrete statue of Jesus, and effectively ending his participation in his father’s funeral.

Dale Earnhardt Enterprises driver Steve Park, however, negotiated the wreck brilliantly and reached the gravesite first - a mere 4 minutes after leaving Calvary Church.

"Dale would have wanted it this way," sobbed Park as he watched the ambulances arrive at the scene. "Racing was what he loved."

As a final tribute, Earnhardt’s signature #3 coffin was lowered into the ground in under 15 seconds by his pit crew.

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Fox Hopes to Boost Ratings in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict with Yellow "First Down" Line

LOS ANGELES -- In attempt to increase interest in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Fox News Corp. has announced plans to begin using the yellow "first down" line made popular in its broadcast of NFL games.

Produced by Sportvision, Fox hopes the popular yellow line, which appears across the screen to alert viewers where the first down marker is, will also help delineate between Israeli and Palestinian occupied territories

"Right now, you have Palestinian neighborhoods in Jerusalem, Israeli settlements in the Gaza Strip, Palestinian controlled West Bank, Israeli this, Palestine that, it’s all very confusing and not particularly viewer friendly," explained Fox President Rupert Murdoch.

"It just looks like a bunch of people fighting over an indeterminate patch of dirt," he continued. "But with the yellow first-down line, viewers will now be able to see exactly where the Palestinians don’t want the Israelis. Who controls what? And most importantly, what country is winning and how many more yards they have to go."

However, if Fox and Murdoch are to get Americans interested in the Middle East, they face an uphill battle.

"Our nation has a hard time relating to the intense cauldron of national, religious and ethnic emotions that is the Middle East," explained Kennedy School of Government professor Tim Hurton. "In fact, just last month, Disney was forced to pull the plug on their long-anticipated ´Israel-Palestine Conflict on Ice´ starring Olympic silver medalist Nancy Kerrigan."

But according to the ever-confident Murdoch, "Kerrigan was totally miscast as Arafat."

In fact, if the yellow "first down" line is successful, Murdoch says Fox will even consider using Sportvision’s "glo-puck" technology. Initially created for hockey - it increased the puck´s visibility by making it glow - Murdoch hopes the "glo-puck" technology will add a fun viewing element to the many civil wars in Africa.

"Instead of watching coverage on a confusing brown-on-brown conflict, you´ll be able to watch the blue glowing guys versus the red glowing guys. Now that would be cool."

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GAY GROCERY SHOPPING

A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads back towards the meat department. After a few moments of looking at the merchandise, the butcher asks him if he would like to place an order.

The gay guy says, "Yes," and promptly orders 5 pounds of salami.

The butcher asks him if he would like that sliced, to which the gay guy replies, "Does my asshole look like a piggybank?"

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A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

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DDL

The Astronomy students would tell,
Their female professor, Miss Nell.
We want you to train us,
To look at Uranus,
And catch sight of your pussy as well.

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Actually, if you think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35-ton truck.

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Look at the bright side -- in 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap.

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According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.

That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were.

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, February 6, 2001

Class offers new spins on old tales

WASHINGTON, Pa. (AP) -- The children's story "Little Red Riding Hood" originally offered a warning about the dangers of premarital sex and a striptease by the title character, a professor at Washington and Jefferson College says.

Early versions also ended with all the characters being eaten by the wolf but the story was toned down by the Brothers Grimm, said Professor Elizabeth Bennett.

"Be warned. You may never be able to look at fairy tales the same way again," Bennett said in her syllabus.

Bennett teaches a four-week course, "The Psychology of Fairy Tales," and offers a new take on traditional children's stories.

"I don't think I've been totally traumatized," said Dara Anderson, a student in the class. "I think I've learned to look at things differently."