Daily Dose - 010512 - bathing in the nude, BIZARRE NEWS, Kentucky and Tennessee, RESISTING ARREST, DDL, Hey Martha
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears.
One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Sexual Trivia
In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.
According to the Kinsey Report, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.
The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits".
White women and those women with a college degree in particular are the most receptive to anal sex.
55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.
33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.
The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."
Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
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What's In A Name?
A former student of the State University of New York at New Paltz has just won a sexual harassment suit against a professor who called her Monica Lewinsky.
The student, Inbal Hayut, claimed the teacher created a "sexually hostile environment" by repeatedly making comments which associated [her] with some of Lewinsky's more notorious conduct.
Professor Alex Young was accused of saying, "How was your week-end with Bill, Monica," and "I'll give you a cigar later."
All these comments were made in front of the entire class.
"She's a sweet girl and this was very difficult for her," said her lawyer. "Some of the students didn't know her by any other name but Monica."
Young's lawyer called the harassment charge ridiculous. "This is political correctness taken to the extreme," he said.
However the most ridiculous comment was made by Lewinsky's spokeswoman who said, "Monica is dismayed this incident ever occurred...when people hear her name now, they think Monica Lewinsky handbag designer, and entrepreneur."
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Stone Cold Claims Abduction
WWF Champion "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is just the latest celebrity to claim they were abducted by space aliens.
After missing for 6 days, Austin told police, "They said they came to Earth in peace, they love wrestling and they just wanted to meet me."
Austin further stated that he did not remember much of the six day ordeal.
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Police: "We are not amused"
OMAHA, Nebraska - In police parlance he is known as a "jumper," someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping from some high place. This particular jumper was threatening to do the deed by leaping from an overpass into traffic.
While police tried to talk him down a hacker managed to break onto the police radio frequency, and broadcast the Van Halen song JUMP for three and a half minutes.
As officers were negotiating all of the police radios suddenly blared, "...might as well jump... go ahead jump!"
Police say the man clutching an overpass fence couldn't have heard the broadcast, however police chief Don Carey was still not amused.
In a display of acumen and discretion Carey called the broadcast, "inappropriate."
Police say someone who found a lost or stolen police radio might have transmitted the song.
The jumper was eventually talked down safely.
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Huge Ape Escapes, Does Lunch At Zoo's Concession Area
PITTSBURGH - The grass might not have been greener on the other the side of the fence. But perhaps the food was better!
A 150 pound gorilla escaped from her pen and dined on food from some of the half-finished plates at the zoo's concession area for about 45 minutes Sunday before she was lured into the women's restroom and tranquilized.
No one was injured.
[When asked, zookeepers were said to have overheard the ape saying... "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"]
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The World's Heaviest Raccoon Keeps Getting Heavier.
PALMERTON, PA - In another Bizarre Animal Story we are fascinated by Bandit, the Guinness Book of World Records holder of the feat...World's Heaviest Raccoon.
But now the there is cause for alarm as Bandit just keeps getting bigger!
Weighing in at 64.9 pounds, owner, Deborah Klitsch, has tried putting the blubbery Bandit on a diet but the beachball-sized creature doesn't like the dry cat food she gives him, so he frequently "gets in the cabinets and goes after (potato) chips," she said.
"Now the vet thinks he may have an inactive thyroid."
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Hot Sex?
Cancun, Mexico - Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex.
Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results.
After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on **fire**.
Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, *He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it.*
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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."
"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.
"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
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Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles.
The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:
"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
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DDL
There was an old man from LaFarge
Whose balls grew exceedingly large
But his tee-tiny scrotum
Just couldn't quite tote 'em
Now he sails them around on a barge
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Did you hear about the Irishman who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
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Contemporary Latin Phrases
"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)
"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)
"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)
"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)
"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)
"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum
pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)
"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)
"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."
(Yeah, where DO I want to go today??)
"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)
"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
"Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."
(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
Clerk gets stuck in safe
ABERDEEN, Wash. (AP) -- The deposit was routine. The withdrawal was anything but.
It took a welder, a locksmith and two fiery incisions to free a 7-Eleven clerk who got her hand stuck in a safe Friday night.
Elizabeth Mefford, 27, told rescuers she had been dropping rolls of coins in the safe, but the rolls kept falling out. She pushed her fingers farther into the deposit chute, trying to get them to stay put.
A short time later, she was on a gurney with the 3-foot-tall, 600-pound safe latched onto her hand.
Paramedics drove her straight past a hospital to an industrial shop where workers used a small crane to lift Mefford and the safe onto a makeshift operating table.
Brian Oszman, owner of Oszman Service Co., removed the locking mechanism. The door opened and Mefford, who had been slightly sedated, was freed.
The mini-mart's owner gave her Saturday night off.