Daily Dose - 010505 - Insurance salesmen, BIZARRE NEWS, CHURCH BELL BLUES, How do I smell, DDL, Hey Martha
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in Tower One, of the World Trade Center. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Resumes
HOW NOT TO WRITE A RESUME. Bizarre News readers may have seen this list. These excerpts were compiled from actual resumes (not applicants to Shagmail, however) and have appeared in magazines and numerous online publications.
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"Physical disabilities include minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customer conflicts that arouse."
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Man Survives Amputation and Self-Inflicted Head Wound
BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania - Those nasty work-place amputations can really hurt. Just ask 25-year-old William Bartron.
Last week Bartron severed his hand clean off while working with a miter saw in a friend's basement. Apparently the pain was so terrible that he tried to end his torment with a pneumatic nail gun.
When he was finally found Bartron had at least a dozen 1-inch nails protruding from his head.
Miraculously he survived. He underwent emergency surgery to reattach the hand and was last reported in stable condition.
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Unlawful Dismissal Has Disgruntled Policeman in Stitches
MEXICO CITY - The alleged unlawful dismissal of two Mexico City policemen had one of the disgruntled officers in stitches.
Jose Gonzalez, who claims he and nine of his colleagues were fired by a corrupt superior officer, marched through Mexico City streets bearing a wooden cross before reaching the capital's main square for his planned ritual crucifixion.
In front of a group of curios onlookers, officer Humberto Vazquez uses a nylon thread to sew his own mouth shut, then attempted to nail Gonzalez to the makeshift cross.
Authorities arrived in time to prevent the crucifixion.
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Shark Tries to Eat Australian Pleasure Boat
A 14-foot shark attacked a pleasure craft off the coast of Australia this past weekend.
The animal chomped at the out-board motor and for a time held the boat's anchor chain in its teeth.
The Sydney Times say the skipper and his six passengers hung on for dear life as the shark manhandled the boat for more than two hours.
In a scene reminiscent of "Jaws," the shark - identified as the same one that attacked two other boats in recent months - kept pushing and tugging the craft.
Rescue vessels scared it away. The boat was damaged but, unlike the one in "Jaws," stayed afloat.
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Toilet Paper Theft Goes Down the Drain
CONSHOHOCKEN, Pennsylvania - A truck driver's plan to steal a truckload of toilet paper went down the drain when the tractor-trailer flipped onto its side during a pursuit by police.
After the wreck, Ernie Myers reportedly fled to a patch of nearby woods and was soon apprehended as news cameras in a helicopter above videotaped the whole thing.
Myers reportedly carried out another theft of a toilet paper filled tractor-trailer from the same freight yard a month earlier and was seen trying to sell the stolen paper on the streets.
(Big market for that stuff over here in Wafra. Our management's move towards a "paperless office", seems to be starting in the washrooms...)
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Demo Crew Brings Wrong House Down
TEXARKANA, Arkansas - "Opps" followed by a few other choice words were probably the expressions used by a demolition crew after realizing they accidentally knocked down the wrong house.
Johnny Mack Richardson, of Richardson Environmental and Excavating Services in Texarkana, Arkansas, told reporters that they had been sitting on the street when they made a call to City Hall asking if they had the right house.
"They asked us if there were trees covering it up, and we said yes. They said: Then you're at the right place."
Richard concluded by saying, "Evidently there were two houses that were covered by trees."
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CHURCH BELL BLUES
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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How do I smell?
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.
That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
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DDL
In has youth our old friend Boccaccio
Was having a girl in a patio.
When it came to the twat,
She wasn't so hot,
But, boy, was she good at fellatio!
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"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
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I like feminists - I think they're cute.
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5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, March 12, 2001
Man accused of offering cash and cows to hitman
FORT PAYNE, Ala. (AP) -- A farmer who offered a hit man $300 and four cows to kill his buddy's wife has been charged with criminal solicitation to commit murder.
Cecil Benjamin Hicks, 64, didn't know he was paying an undercover officer with cash and an IOU when he was arrested Thursday.
The intended victim -- the ex-wife of Hicks' best friend -- wasn't identified.
Hicks, who reportedly had not seen the intended victim in about 10 years, told police he "didn't like the way she was treating his friend."
"Our undercover man wanted $1,000 for the job, and Hicks offered him $300 and four cows," said Sheriff Cecil Reed. "When we dropped the price to $500, he paid our man $300 in cash and wrote him out a note for the rest."