Daily Dose - 010502 - library, BIZARRE NEWS, Desertion, successful stockbroker, DDL, Hey Martha
A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Inventions
In the 1980's, French women Dominique Peignoux, Yvette Guys and Francoise Dekan marketed a musical napkin that was placed inside a baby's diaper and played "When the Saints Go Marching In" as soon as it became wet.
William A. Calderwood of Peoria, Arizona patented helium filled furniture that would float to the ceiling when not in use to allow extra floor space and be pulled back down by a rope as needed.
It was in 1966 that America's Thomas J. Bayard invented a vibrating toilet seat, acting on the belief that physical stimulation of the buttocks is effective in relieving constipation.
James Moreau developed a brassiere in 1988 which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement.
In 1984, Inventor Timothy Zell developed a method of growing unicorns that are of higher intelligence and physical attributes, They are also said to be useful as a guard animal. What you may not want to know is the method involves surgical alteration of a one-week old goat, so that its two horn buds will grow together.
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Lush Looks For Lizard Love on Livingston
ORLANDO, Florida - A drunken man in Orlando must have had his beer goggles on too tight when he stumbled out of the Eight Seconds bar on Livingston Street and attacked a five-foot lizard statue.
The amorous embrace snapped the statue from its base which in turn sent both the drinker and the lizard crashing to the ground.
The city reportedly has 60 of these huge lizard statues on its streets as part of an arts project and are said to cost approximately $3,800 a piece.
Sergeant Scott Boos described the man as being "a little drunk" and was perhaps looking for "a little lizard love." No charges have been made against the man, however, city authorities may seek money to repair the statue.
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British Homeowner Up To Here With Water Company
LONDON - When Niel Soley noticed a pipe had burst in his garden he called the water company. His call was answered by a machine telling him to "hang on, someone will be right with you."
So, Soley waited, for four hours and 40 minutes.
By the time a human being came on the line 5,000 gallons of water had filled his yard and flooded his home. Of course, when a water company official did arrive he told Soley that he had called the wrong water company.
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Going Hog Wild
BRANDENBURG, Germany - A pair of pigs in Germany went absolutely hog wild in an area supermarket.
German police answered a call about a break-in and found the scintillating swine pigging out on biscuits. The wild boars reportedly smashed through the glass doors while the Brandenburg shop was shut.
One of the pigs appeared to have injured itself on the broken glass door.
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Smell of De Feet is Fatal in Couple's Relationship
BIRMINGHAM, Alabama - The smell of "de feet" was obviously too much for 18-year-old Kelly Green to bare. Green has thrown boyfriend Matt Hassett out of their Birmingham home because the odor of his feet is intolerable.
"I love Matt but the smell is just too much. At first I placed a bedroom ban on him but it got to the stage where I couldn't stand him in the same house," Green stated.
Hassett, completely devatated, has tried to fix the problem by changing his socks and washing his feet twice a day, but to no avail.
According to Chiropodist David Elliot, "This can be caused by various things, from over-active glands to foot fungus. I advise Matt to seek professional advice."
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Artist Licks Gender Discrimination With Jelly Boobs
EAST LONDON - Artist Sally Barker is trying to lick gender discrimination by exhibiting jelly sculptures of her friends' breasts.
A total of six pairs of breasts, ranging from a size 32A to a 38DD, are to be shown at East London's Institute of Contemporary Art, and come in orange, lime, strawberry, raspberry, lemon and blackcurrant flavors.
Barker, 38, has titled the work "Jelly Tits" because she claimed she was bored of using traditional bronze or stone.
Gallery boss Matthew Higgs described Barker's display as being "a simple and playful theme which shows how women continue to be objectified for how they look rather than what they do."
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Scam Costs Unsuspecting Puppies a Paw and a Leg
OSAKA, Japan - A 63-year-old Japanese man was arrested for operating a scam that literally cost puppies a paw and a leg.
The man is alleged to have sawed off the right front leg of a three-month-old female Dalmatian in late November and the legs of more than ten other puppies since December 1999.
After the mutilation takes place, he is said to have begged for donations from the public in Osaka for the dogs treatment, using a sign reading: "Please donate money because my dog was hit by a car."
The man reportedly faces charges for violating the Law Concerning the Protection and Control of Animals and may be sentenced for one year in prison or a large monetary fine.
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A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said.
"On what grounds?" he asked.
"Desertion, sir," she said.
"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.
"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."
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Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
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DDL
One morning Mahatma Gandhi
Had a hard-on, and it was a dandy.
So he called to his aide,
"Please bring me a maid,
Or a goat, or whatever is handy."
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Quote Shorts
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
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"Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks." - Ernest Hemingway
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Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Doc gave me 'the finger': woman
By BRENDAN O'HALLARN -- Winnipeg Sun
WINNIPEG -- At the very least, Rose Woodland can express her displeasure at her plastic surgeon without saying a word.
Woodland, a Salvation Army employee who has been on disability for two years, is suing a doctor she consulted about her right middle finger, which was "locking up" occasionally.
In a statement of claim filed last week in the Court of Queen's Bench, Woodland says Dr. Andrew Robertson persuaded her to undergo a surgical procedure on the digit.
Two years after the surgery, Woodland says she still can't bend the finger, meaning she can't help but give people "the finger."
The lawsuit, which seeks general and special damages, claims Robertson was negligent in not informing Woodland of the risks of the surgical procedure, and not discussing options that included non-surgical intervention.
Woodland, who declined a formal interview yesterday, said the stress from the mishap has caused her to develop angina, forcing her to put off corrective surgery for her finger. She said she's due for open-heart surgery later this year.
Robertson was served with the statement of claim last week. He has 20 business days to file a formal defence through the courts.