Daily Dose - 010501 - sex education class, National Lampoon, YOUNG CONSTRUCTION WORKER, DDL, Hey Martha

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
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National Lampoon

Bush Proposes "Hugs for the Homeless"

WASHINGTON -- As part of his campaign to promote "compassionate conservatism," President-elect George Bush introduced his latest social program: "Hugs for the Homeless."

"The idea that homeless people need our money is a common misconception. History has shown that, given a dollar, rarely, if ever, will the homeless person put that dollar towards the purchase of a new home," explained Bush. "Nine times out of ten, that dollar will be frittered away on food or a pair of shoes with soles on them. What these people need most of all, isn´t a cupful of your change, but a cupful of your love."

Bush then went on to cite the American Medical Association´s findings that a daily hug boosts the immune system by 58%, as well as improves self-esteem and morale. "And given the chance, I´ll even make hugs tax deductible," promised Bush. He then added that if a homeless person looked unhugable, or "dirty," then a reassuring phrase like, "Hang in there, buddy," would do.

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Dead Rally Against "Death Tax"

WASHINGTON -- An estimated 28,000 corpses of the wealthy converged on Washington Tuesday to protest the "death tax", a Federal tax assessed on estates worth $1 million or more. The dead are demanding an immediate repeal of the tax which they believe discriminates against the "animatedly challenged."

"No longer will deceased Americans like myself lie quietly in our coffins, mausoleums, and urns, and allow a voracious Federal Government to plunder our assets," said spokesman John Fetters, a 127-year-old deceased former investment analyst. "Today, we rise from the grave to demand basic economic justice."

Shivering against the bitter cold, pushcart vendors did a brisk business in the warm cups of virgin blood required by the corpses to remain animate throughout a day that included call-and-response howling, ungodly wails of despair, and a speech by keynote speaker, former President Richard Nixon.

A pungent smell of rotting flesh continually rose from the throng of undead, estimated by parapsychologists at 28,812 souls, and by protest organizers at an even one million.

At one point, a rowdy group of detached arms, legs, and unidentifiable chunks of bloody flesh slithered and clawed their way up the Washington Monument, where they unfurled a banner reading "No Taxation After Disintegration!"

The rich and dead, who have long felt snubbed by Clinton Administration policies they perceive as biased in favor of the living, are optimistic about their chances under a new Administration. Despite his avowed pro-life stance, newly-elected President Bush has made tax relief for the dead a major domestic policy goal. "After all," explained Bush, "my own mother has actually been dead since ’81."

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Ultimate Vegan Discovered

BERKELEY -- One morning, Gretchen Klatchfarb realized she had been living a lie. A lifelong vegan, Ms. Klatchfarb suddenly concluded that her own body´s metabolism ran contrary to her dietary principles: "I was like, ´Wait a minute...my body constantly burns fat...my fat...that´s animal fat! It´s the same thing as eating an animal! Not to mention all the waste I´m producing!´ Finally I decided the only way to stop the madness once and for all was to quit eating and drinking."

Gretchen found the more she contemplated her situation, the more desperate it became: "I´d been reading these PETA pamphlets about how much more space it takes to raise cattle versus wheat, you know? Then I looked around and saw how much space I was taking up! This huge house for just one person! It´s ludicrous! I thought about maybe suspending myself over a bridge, but I was worried about the zoning laws. In the end I decided just to remain standing in one place with my hands at my sides.

Unfortunately, Ms. Klatchfarb is not expected to be standing in one place for very long. Her physician estimates that without food or water, she should pass away early next week.

Nevertheless, Ms. Klatchfarb´s life will not have been in vain. She has begun loaning herself out to protest groups in need of hunger strikers. Adds Klatchfarb, "I figured, as long as I wasn´t eating anyway..."

While Klatchfarb is aware that by starving herself, her body will actually increase the amount of animal-based adipose tissue it burns, she states this is, "An ironic, but temporary, eventuality that will be rectified with my untimely demise."

Strange as it may seem, Klatch´s unconventional lifestyle is already catching on. In Berkeley, CA, People Against Metabolism (P.A.M.), a new cult of self-hating vegans have decided they´re not going to take it anymore. Proclaims one member, "I´m sick of other things having to die in order that I may live. I´m not going to take it anymore!"

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YOUNG CONSTRUCTION WORKER

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's four-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a shiny new half dollar.

She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay envelope.

I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.

"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"

"I will if we ever get the fucking bricks," answered the little girl.

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DDL

To a girl who was laughing, "Ha Ha",
I'm sure she made people guffaw!
She said thimble's the size
Of the bump 'tween my thighs,
But that's the size cups in her bra.

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trivia shorts

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

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More people are killed by donkeys than plane crashes.

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Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 19, 2001

Inmates try to smuggle heroin in burritos

ALBUQUERQUE (AP) -- Two inmates are accused of conspiring to smuggle heroin into their detention center inside fast-food burritos.

A guard was supposed to bring the flour tortillas into the prison but had a last-minute change of heart, according to criminal complaints filed last week against inmates Jeffrey Padilla and Mario Gomez.

Instead of feeding the burritos to the prisoners, guard Joe Miera offered one to another guard. The guard took a bite and felt something crunch. He took a second bite and saw a hard, black substance inside a plastic bag.

Despite claims he wasn't aware of the heroin filling, police have issued an arrest warrant for Miera, who no longer works as a guard at the Bernalillo County Detention Center.