Daily Dose - 010430 - kidneys, Real Resignation Letters, piece of ass, DDL, The Onion
This young couple had only been married for one night when the blonde bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my first day of marriage, and there is something that bothers me."
Doctor: "What is it?"
Blonde Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my kidneys."
Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple of inches off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys."
Blonde Bride: "No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."
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Real Resignation Letters...
The Resignation Letter of Mr. of Edinburgh, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? I got fed up of the in fighting that was happening outside our group. We were fine, but everyone else was acting like total arseholes.
What are you going to do next? Anything! I've got another job lined up...!
Job Title Senior Software Engineer
Industry Computing & IT
What is your salary expectation? £30,000 - £40,000
Dear Sir.
I am the first of what is likely to be all of the skilled staff to resign from what is likely to be the shell of your company. A combination of directors threatening and blackmailing each other, and the constant bitching of the managing director has forced me to consider my position at this time as being untenable.
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group have worked well, but, yet have been criminally overloooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Yours Sincerely,
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The Resignation Letter of Mr. DL of Manchester, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? Rumours, hearsay and the truth about my sleeping habits
What are you going to do next? Become a Condom Model
Job Title Head Dishwasher
Industry Food and Drink
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000
Dear Kristen This is a quick note to let you know that it is with regret that I tender my resignation from . We have known each other for 3 years now so I feel I should be honest with you about everything.
Some damaging allegations are about to be made against me although this is nothing to do with the missing scouring pads or the hair on my shoulders. These rumours do not denigrate the professionalism I show in my work or reflect the standard of my washing up. They do however, undermine my overall (not apron) standing within this organisation. I suppose this letter is one of confession.
First, I confess that I am a serial philanderer. I can’t help it. I love flirting with people, love seeing the signs of amorousness aroused, love seeing pupils dilating, lips pouting, smiles forming, handcuffs coming out and the sound of videotapes rewinding. Seeing a persons tongue hanging out when I walk past is also gratifying.
It is with a mixture of pride and shame that I confess that I have slept with everyone at . It all started on my first day in your employ with Estelle, the new waitress who joined at the same time as me. She managed only 3 days because she was always too tired the poor girl. John the Fish waiter was next - great shag but boy, did he reek. After a number of other encounters with more of the waiting staff, I moved on to the kitchen, most memorably, doing it with Thomas in the oven (he wore his Ray Bans) and with Jess in the walk-in fridge (as you may remember she developed pneumonia and had to call it a day). I had a lot of fun with the other washer-uppers as well (water is so erotic) and we often finished off the day with a quick gang spin in the dishwasher used for pots and other utensils.
Over time, I gradually developed a taste for the finer things in life and moved on to our Maitre D, Robert, who fit me in when business was quiet one day. Robert and I were disgustingly happy for eight months and I'd like to think that we managed to christen every table on the first floor and most of the ones on the second too. However, our late-night rompings finally came to an end one day when Mr M. found us tucked away behind the fountain on the east-side. I urged him, begged him not to fire me and finally managed to make him see sense, that is, he sensed that he could manage me on most days before breakfast (his relationship with his wife was in terminal free-fall).
I promptly dumped Robert and set to with the Boss. He is so charming and such a gentleman. He took me out for breakfast and later, dinner, so many times and never let me pay for anything. We took trips to Italy to shop at Gucci and to New York to see Broadway shows (such plush seats, perfect for pre-show entertainment). We had dinner parties and talked about the Arts, Culture and philosophy. I have been known to have some pretty profound thoughts myself from time to time although mine invariably involve a Spanish air stewardess and a hammock. Things went swimmingly. I even met the President of Rough’n’Ready (I've changed the name but its just as inspiring) Condoms who gave me the honour of demonstrating his new line (they come with extra gonad support) and asked me whether I wanted to feature in their latest ad campaign.
And so, finally, we come to the present. Mr M and I had been fighting a lot, mainly about small things (he has a complex but I never complained) and about how I was always too busy to see him (you'll notice I never took any time off work in 3 years). Things came to a head (don’t read anything into that) and he asked me to marry him. As flattered as I was, I had to refuse: he wanted too much of me.
As you can imagine, Mr M. got terribly upset and then he became angry and irrational. He said that he was going to tell all the staff that I had been screwing the customers which, as you know, is strictly against the restaurant’s Mission Statement (paragraph 3.2 "I will not screw the restaurant’s customers"). This is a complete lie and I am shaken that he could try and slander my reputation in this way.
It is for these reasons, I feel I must go and save myself the embarrassment of facing up to these accusations. There are many other restaurants out there and I dare say many more fish in the sea.
I wish you all the best.
Regards, D.
PS I am considering taking up the offer from Rough’n’Ready condoms but I feel I need a bit more practice. Any suggestions?
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The Resignation Letter of Mr. SD of leeds, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? to continue my futile pursuit of Charlie Dimmock
What are you going to do next? bury my head in the sand, keep a stiff upper lip, put my best foot forward and break a leg
Job Title gofer
Industry Personnel / HR / Training
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000
Dear boss
I can no longer spread my sheets or e my mails. I just don't Excel. My point has lost its power, and my micro is soft. I can't access my binder, basically my photo is shopped. Time to be recycled.
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After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
______________________________
DDL
In area ten miles around Gypsum,
Once a gal's caught by Hal, the guy strips 'em.
He gives fillies rare fun
As he gets off his gun
In the sport for which Nature equips 'em.
_______________________________
My drinking team has a soccer problem.
______________________
Soccer players do it for 90 minutes in 11 different positions
______________________
There's a reason they call guys on the soccer field 'players'.
______________________
The Onion (satire)
Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers
LOS ANGELES-- With the nation still buzzing over his Feb. 21 Grammy Awards duet with Elton John, Eminem released a single Tuesday inspired by the performance.
Among the song's lyrics: "I was at the Grammys and Elton John gave me a hug / So I got out my pliers and ripped his little faggot dick off with a tug / Shoved it down the throats of Britney, then Christina A. / Probably gave both of the bitches AIDS."
John praised the song as "brave" and "coming from a very pure place."
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Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper
MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE-- Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply.
"We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here."
Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.
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Bankrupt Dot-Com Proud To Have Briefly Changed The Way People Buy Cheese Graters
SAN FRANCISCO-- Egraters.com, an Internet retailer that filed for Chapter 11 last week, announced on its homepage Monday that it is proud to have briefly made people rethink the way they buy cheese graters.
"Unfortunately, we were not able to see our revolution all the way through," read the message from CEO Jeff Bell, 29. "But for a brief, shining moment, we showed the world that there is a better way to buy graters."
Bell said he hopes to one day relaunch Egraters.com and "smash the tyranny of traditional brick-and-mortar cheese-grater-tailing."