Daily Dose - 010429 - NICKNAMES, BIZARRE NEWS, Fashion, Lactose intolerant, DDL, Hey Martha
NICKNAMES
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has Seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
______________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
BIZARRE BOOKS
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Benefits of Farting Explained; 1727
[I've already read this to my wife]
Performing Goats; 1895
[This is actually a children's book.]
New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers; 1981
[One can only fantasize about the connection here.]
How to Cook Roadkill: Gourmet Cooking; 1987
Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention; 1912
[We think time is the culprit and the only prevention is death. But that hasn't been proven conclusively yet.]
********
Man Shoots Craps While Playing Russian Roulette
HOUSTON, Texas - A 19-year-old Houston boy gambled and lost big time when he decided to play Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol.
The young man, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked.
He apparently lost the game, and his life, all in one shot.
*******
Girls Unimpressed -- Koala Doesn't Fit on Finger
SAN FRANCISCO - Authorities have arrested two teenagers for stealing a pair of koalas from the San Francisco Zoo.
What would a couple of young kids want with the expensive, exotic and hard-to-care-for animals? Not to sell them for a profit, but to show off to their girlfriends.
Zoo officials said the thieves appeared to have broken through a skylight and slipped into the koala exhibit. It was unreported whether the stunt had the desired effect on the girlfriends.
The teens, however, were much impressed with the charges of burglary, possession of stolen property and grand theft.
*******
A Successful Getaway Was Only A Clicker Away
A pair of burglars would have gotten away with their haul of televisions if it wasn't for one factor.
As the pair were about to speed off, they realized they had forgotten the remote controls, so they returned to get them.
By then, a resident had already alerted police after she'd spotted the two men outside her neighbor's house Sunday loading a television into a sport utility vehicle.
Police said they found Jaron Grosby, 20, behind the wheel of the SUV, and Wesley Jackson, 20, hiding behind the vehicle.
Jackson reportedly confessed to the officers that he and Grosby stole the televisions after breaking a window to get into the house.
*******
Robber Stops to Order a Burger to Go
MANCHESTER, Connecticut - Apparently criminals have to eat too.
A robber held up a popular fast food chain at gunpoint then ordered the cook to prepare him a Whopper with extra cheese.
The gunman reportedly walked into the fast food shop in Manchester, Connecticut, and went straight to the restroom.
Moments later he walked back up front wearing a bandana over his face and brandishing a hand gun. He proceeded to herd the crew into a walk-in freezer and then took the manager to open the safe.
With the money in hand, he walked the manager back to the freezer, then order the cook out and ordered him to make him a Whopper with cheese.
Police are still trying to find the thief before he runs out of money or the next snack attack occurs.
********
Illinois to Receive a Touch of Graceland
ILLINOIS - Elvis has long since left the building, and now a replica of his building is leaving him.
Tom and Cindy Sanocki from Illinois, are using part of the multi-million dollar lottery winnings her father gave them to have a replica of Graceland built.
The couple met at an Elvis fan club and Tom proposed to Cindy while they were visiting Elvis' Memphis home.
Cindy's father Alex Snelius said: "They are big into Elvis. So if they want Graceland, it's fine with me. But I tell them 'Hey, I pay for the house, you take care of everything after that.'"
Construction began on Monday and builders hope to finish in August, which is the anniversary of The King's death.
********
Pet Owner Puts Chastity Belt On Pooch
ROMANIA - A fed up pet owner from Cluj has fastened a chastity belt around his dog because he grew tired of her having puppies.
Mihai Bulba, 53, evidently could not afford to have her spayed, so he welded the belt together.
According to Bulba, "I was so fed up with my little baby getting pregnant all the time. Now it is really funny to watch as the male dogs try to remove it with their teeth."
********
Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Remember To Try This Excuse
OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims only his teeth were full of liquor.
The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported Friday. He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped in cavities in his bad teeth.
[This is a very common habit among drunks. They store booze in their teeth against the winter months when booze is so much harder to come by.]
___________________________
Fashion
The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
__________________________
Lactose Intolerant
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
Needless to say, after a moment's silence, the whole restaurant burst into laughter.
________________________
DDL
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
________________________
Grafitti Shorts
Pull here for an Arts degree. (seen on toilet paper dispenser)
________________________
"E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
________________________
On a posted sign: "Bill Stickers will be prosecuted!" and written next to it, "Bill Stickers is innocent!"
________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 9, 2001
Cop's wife posts nude pics on Web
NORTH PORT, Fla. (AP) -- A police officer's wife thought she'd surprise her husband by posting nude pictures of herself on the Internet. Instead, she got him stripped of three days pay.
Officer Daniel Lake received a three-day suspension after his superiors found photographs of his wife downloaded from the Web floating around the small department.
"Police officers live in a glass house and are held to a higher standard of conduct," said Police Chief David Yurchuck. "Officers should be aware of this both on and off duty."
Investigators said Lake told them that he didn't know his wife was undressed in any of the pictures submitted to the Web site.