Daily Dose - 010428 - LONELY WOMAN, Joke-A-Day News, private conversations, If you don't be quiet, DDL, Hey Martha

LONELY WOMAN

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in our other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Easy! Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Joke-A-Day News (satire)

CROCODILE HUNTER BECOMES MAIN COURSE

The Animal Planet's "The Crocodile Hunter", Steve Irwin, was eaten by a crocodile yesterday.

Earlier in the day, Irwin had been teasing a great white shark with a cobra. His wife, Terri, thought it was a good idea to get into the water to get away from the komodo dragon. Irwin had arm wrestled the dragon two out of three falls and the dragon wasn't taking the news very well.

Irwin was just about to tie the cobra into a bowtie ("He's a good cobber of a snake!" Terri reported he said) when the croc came up behind Irwin and took a bite out of the hunter's backside.

Irwin had time to utter, "Crikey!" before he was dragged under and eaten.

Mrs. Irwin plans on returning to Oregon. "Who needs this shit? I'm going back to where the most fearsome animal around is a beaver with an infected tooth."

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NEW SUBMARINE WARFARE TEST SUCCESSFUL -- MEANS END TO COSTLY TORPEDOS

PEARL HARBOR -- The Navy has successfully conducted a new method of submarine warfare by successfully sinking a Japanese fishing boat without the use of a torpedo.

Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Thomas Fargo announced the successful test. "The United States has entered a new era of sub warfare. Torpedos cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars each. This is on top of the billion dollars it cost just to have the sub. Now, we can successfully sink a ship just by running into it -- and the American taxpayer comes out ahead."

The Admiral admitted the tests aren't complete yet. "For this round of tests, we used civilian contractors to actually do the ramming. However, we've found that contractors can cost the American taxpayer thousands of dollars in labor charges. Our next round of testing we will be using Third Class Petty Officers. We've got lots of those -- and they only cost the American taxpayer about $1300 a month."

Admiral Fargo reported that the United States has a long and successful history of sinking Japanese vessels. "We've found the Japanese to be energetic and enthusiastic partners, since World War II, in saving the American taxpayers money."

"After we've finished our torpedo-abatement testing, we're excited to move on to other, more routine tests," Admiral Fargo explained, showing off a four-color brochure. "We've dropped thousands of these informative leaflets on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki to let the residents there know how much the US Navy is counting on them to help with our next level of testing."

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WORLD LEADERS NAMES CHANGED SO BUSH CAN PRONOUNCE

New "Texasized" Names Assigned.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Dec 26th (DF) -President-Elect Bush's transition team released his plans for dealing with world leader's names. After Bush's publicized inability to remember and pronounce the names of some world leaders during the campaign, much focus has been put on how he'll perform in foreign meetings.

For the most part, aides say, Bush will refer to world leader's as "hey, you."

If there are multiple leaders present, Bush will wink at the one he wishes to speak to, and point at him, often making a little gun gesture with his hand.

But the incoming Bush administration says Bush is aware there will be times when he must pronounce a name. So the President-Elect's team has announced they will ask world leaders change their names to make them more acceptable to the new President.

"There are obviously a lot of strange sounding names in the world that are not compatible with Texas" said former Sec. of State Jim Baker, who is leading the effort. "so we are going to move ahead in a way that the President-Elect is comfortable."

Baker says leaders will simply be asked to "Texasize" their names.

Under this plan, Yogoslavia's President Voyaslav Kostunicha will become "Floyd Custer."

Russian President Vladimir Putin will be changed to "Chad Peters."

PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat will become "Cassidy" and French President Jacques Chirac will be "Jack Shack" at the Bush White House.

Nicknames will also help the President-Elect. British Prime Minister Tony Blair can expect to hear "Hey, TB" when he visits the White House.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak's name will be crunched into "Ed" for the President-Elect's easy comprehension.

However, at least one world leader will not cooperate with Bush. German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder was indignant when he learned the new President would be calling him "My buddy G."

And there was word that Canada's Jean Chretien was not pleased with his Texasized name, "Jeek," although he signaled he may be open to just being called "Bud."

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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old overheard some of her parents' private conversations.

One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little girl if she was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it quits!"

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After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered,

'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked

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DDL

A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
"Pull down here and you'll see where to shove it!"

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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that word is "to be prepared". - Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. - George Carlin

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The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, January 22, 2001

Bank robber foiled by one detail

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- One small detail foiled the armed robber at the National City Bank: The branch never carries cash.

Harold Berry, 42, was charged with attempted robbery last week after allegedly walking into the loan application-only bank, opening a note and reading to the teller: "Give me all your money. I have a gun."

"Sir, we don't have any cash here," assistant bank manager Kathy Ross responded.

The bank robber, disguised in a baseball cap and fake ponytail, demanded Ross open all of the drawers before he fled empty-handed.

"He obviously didn't do his research," bank employee Tom Louters said.

Berry was arrested 40 minutes later in a vehicle matching the description of the getaway car.

He is a former police officer who was fired in 1996 after an off-duty, New Year's Eve brawl with an acquaintance.