Daily Dose - 010424 - turning to stone, Real Resignation Letters, THE TRIAL, DDL, Hey Martha
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...."
"And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........"
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Real Resignation Letters
The Resignation Letter of Mr. HH of Swansea, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? Natural love and God don't mix
What are you going to do next? Elope and have a wild time.
Job Title Priest
Industry Government / Public Sector
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000
Dear R,
I resign from the clergy as of now. Whilst my love for the Lord has diminished not a bit, my love for another has increased out of reason. I must confess that this love has progressed to the Biblical stage and beyond.
How can I describe her? I found her wandering in the fields above the graveyard, and immediately felt her affinity for nature. She has the most amazing deep eyes and the way her curly locks catch the breeze tells me she is a wild spirit. But she has such a docile character that I couldn’t help but fall for her. The sheep in question is the very one reported missing in this month’s Valley Times.
It is love, and we intend to elope to Amsterdam.
Yours,
H
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The Resignation Letter of Mr. RG of New York, United States
Why did you resign? I have seen the blinding light of truth, and the scales how fallen from my eyes.
What are you going to do next? Walk the Earth, like Caine.
Job Title Senior Lackey
Industry Accountancy & Finance
What is your salary expectation? £40,000 - £60,000
Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from , effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within. God’s speed, and may the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
RG
Senior Specialist
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The Resignation Letter of Mr. LRJ of London, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? Isn't it obvious, we're all doomed.
What are you going to do next? Proselytize and pray.
Job Title Director
Industry Web Related
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000
The end of the world is nigh. Satan’s footsoldiers are everywhere and the premonitions of Nostradamus, The Book of Revelation and David Icke are coming true. Oh! Woe is me and woe to the world. Get ready for the Day of Judgment is coming.
OK, I know that a ball of flames didn’t hit Paris on the day of the eclipse but so what? Its just a question of timing. Haven't the cosmonauts just abandoned the Mir Space Station because its falling apart? That baby is coming down man and its going to hit the Eiffel Tower any day now. Come on. You’ve got to cut a few days slack for a guy who made his prognostications 400 years ago. You try doing it. Go on, make a forecast and see if it comes true. Its like trying to find a journalist with integrity or a lawyer with a conscience. Almost impossible.
We face a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. I speak, by the way, not with a sense of futility but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be interpreted as pessimism. The world has to listen and people have to change, for without a revolution, everything is as a broken pencil. Pointless.
If it isn't obvious already then I should come out with it in a more roundabout way. I resign. Its all over, I quit. I’m getting out of here and looking for a place to proselytize and pray for absolution. I suggest you do the same swiftly.
Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you. Be gone and seek Gaia.
Goodbye, L.
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THE TRIAL (Oldie But Goody)
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so excited that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
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DDL
There once was a nearsighted gynie
Whose glasses were sparkly and shiny;
But they stayed in the drawer
While he worked on a whore
And tied up the tubes of her hiney.
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Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner
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"Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?" - Marilyn Monroe
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"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." (Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.)
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 21, 2001
Not everything goes in Germany
HAMBURG, Germany (AP) -- Not quite everything goes on German television.
The band Love Rocket has been barred from a national song competition because its members planned to strip during the televised performance, North German Broadcasting said Tuesday.
The girl group intended to strip while performing a song that uses the melody from a telephone-sex commercial, band members told the German newspaper Bild in an article Tuesday.
On private television stations, phone sex ads with full nudity are commonly broadcast. But a spokesman for North German Broadcasting said a naked performance isn't appropriate for its prime-time broadcast.
The March competition determines Germany's entry for the European Grand Prix song contest.