Daily Dose - 010423 - ill husband, Bizarre News, ENGLISH SUBTITLES, Jack Nicklaus, DDL, Hey Martha
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Statements
These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
--Age 15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends."
-Age 8
"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween."
-Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."
-Age 6
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell."
-Age 5
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started."
-Age 15
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Cop Strips Law Enforcement to Bare Essentials
SUFFOLK COUNTY, NY - An as yet unidentified police officer has allegedly been dispensing his own brand of justice to drunk drivers, especially of the female persuasion.
27-year-old Angelina Torres said a Suffolk County cop forced her to walk home in panties and high heels after he made a DWI stop.
Torres said she passed a Breathalyzer test but the officer kept giving her sobriety tests until she failed. He then ordered her to strip and forced her to walk the four blocks home in frigid weather, following her all the way in his squad car.
Since then two more women have come forward to complain about the same treatment.
Suffolk County Police Commissioner John Gallagher said police are investigating the allegations. Torres is suing the county for $15 million.
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Scots Sick of Sci-fi Junkies Invading Their Cyberspace
BALFRON, Scotland - Stardate 01.12.2001. Residents of a Scottish village are being bombarded by e-mails from sci-fi junkies trying to make contact with a fictional planet they saw in the movie Star Wars.
The 2,057 inhabitants of Balfron have become fed up of explaining to Americans that their community is not inhospitable and that it nestles in the Endrick Valley and not outer space.
The Balfron Heritage Group has decided to settle the matter once and for all by setting up a website outlining the village's topography and history.
According to group member Jim Thomson, "We get thousands of tourists a year in this area and many of them recognize the name from Star Wars. I would hate for us to be compared to the planet as it seems a pretty grim place."
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The Fine Line Between Pornography and Art
Britain's Turner Prize for art has lived up to its reputation as "an ongoing national joke" with this year's award to photographer Wolfgang Tillmans.
The 20,000 pound (US $28,420) prize was awarded to Tillmans for his work which includes photos of shaved genitalia.
"I'm not out there to offend anybody," he said. "I'm just showing how I see the world."
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Better Than the Heimlich Maneuver
NORTHERN JAPAN - This could be a new marketing technique for Hoover.
A 70-year-old Japanese man choking on a sticky rice cake was saved when his daughter sucked the glob out with a vacuum cleaner.
The man from northern Japan suddenly began gasping for air as he chewed on a piece of mochi rice cakes, a food traditionally eaten by the Japanese around New Year. Family members first tried unsuccessfully to remove the food with their fingers. Then the man's 46-year-old daughter grabbed a vacuum cleaner, took out his dentures and stuck the hose into his mouth with the switch turned to high.
The gooey white mess reportedly emerged and the man was said to have had almost fully recovered by the time paramedics arrived.
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Man Becomes Pain in Neck for Snake
PRETORIA, South Africa - Here's a switch. A deadly rock python died after a 57-year-old man bit him it in the neck.
Council worker Lucas Sibanda was walking to his Pretoria home when the snake slithered from some shrubs and began wrapping itself around him.
Deciding retaliation was his only chance of survival, he sunk his teeth into the python's neck, then kicked and punched it until the snake finally untangled itself.
After the snake let go, Sibanda said he hit it with a stick before it could attack him again.
He has reportedly skinned the python and says he will leave it outside his house as proof for people who might not believe his story.
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I Smell a Rat!
SOUTH AFRICA - Here is one to make your skin crawl. A South African couple has been using their home to breed hundreds of rats and are now being ordered to destroy them.
One officer reported "There were holes in the floor and rats everywhere. We thought there was a person under the duvet but it turned out to be more rats. They'd even eaten the bed."
Environmental health officers have ordered the couple to kill the rats or find them a proper home.
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ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES IN HONG KING FILMS
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
* You daring lousy guy.
* Beat him out of recognizable shape!
* Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
* I have been scared silly too much lately.
* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
* How can you use my intestines as a gift?
* Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.
* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
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A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonomous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
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DDL
A massive thrust to her slit,
Brought a fart that should have been lit,
"Oh pardon," she sighed,
"It's nothing," he cried,
"Most other girls usually shit!"
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"You have the right to an attorney . If you cannot afford an attorny , we will supply you with the stupidest , 1st year law student dumb-ass slacker we can find on the continent" - lethal weapon 4
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Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
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'You turn me on. But maybe it's because I just spent 20 years in the jungle, getting it on with anything I could attract with a piece of fruit.' ---Eric Roberts to Julie Haggerty, in 'Rude Awakening'
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
Girl Scouts ticketed
DECATUR, Ga. (AP) -- DeKalb County police are pretty tough cookies -- so much so that they'll ticket Girl Scouts for selling Thin Mints and Tagalongs without a permit. A boss later chalked the whole thing up to overzealousness.
An officer ticketed two groups of Girl Scouts on Sunday.
Troop leader Angelia Latners was with a group of girls selling in the parking lot of a closed restaurant. She argued with the officer until a sergeant showed up. He, too, insisted that the little girls had broken the law.
"I mean, this is crazy!" Latners said. "After he finished with us, he went down to the Kroger store and ticketed another (group of Scouts.)"
Latners had written permission from the restaurant owner for her girls, mostly 8-year-olds, to use the parking lot -- something that is recommended by the Girl Scouts organization.
But she was unaware of a DeKalb ordinance that requires a permit for anyone soliciting in neighborhoods.
Angela Jackson, southeast DeKalb service unit director for the Girl Scouts, was at the Kroger location Sunday. She said the officer told her the fine would be $100 to $200.
Monday morning, police Maj. Ron Slade received several media inquiries and calls from irate Girl Scout Leaders. He quickly apologized and voided the tickets.
"We're not the big bad guys. We love the Girl Scouts," Slade said. "I just bought some of their cookies."
He said soliciting by youths in that area had gotten out of hand recently, and the officers apparently were overzealous.