Daily Dose - 010418 - drill sergeant, Real Resignation Letters, prescription, DDL, Hey Martha

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.'

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brabant will be driving a truck."

__________________________

Real Resignation Letters...

The Resignation Letter of Mr. GS of Edinburgh, United Kingdom

Why did you resign? I am so bored I could shoot myself.
What are you going to do next? Dunno! But think, I am moving away from this retirement home to a place with better scenery.
Job Title Engineer
Industry Graduate
What is your salary expectation? Below £15,000

Dear ?
It is with much regret that I must resign to pursue a career with a much younger crowd. I have in my mind confirmed my real inner feelings so :-

At first I was trained
I was certified
Kept thinking I could never work
without BAE by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on (Literally!)
and so I quit
from _________l

I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid job
I should have written a better CV
If I had known for just one second
I would be quitting B. A. E.
Go now go
I'm out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not working anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to tempt me with _____
You think I'd crumble
You think I'd give in and lie
Oh no, not I
I will resign
as long as I know how to code
I know I will stay in line
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my brains to give
and I'll resign

It took all the strength I had not to disappear
kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken career
and so I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to try
Now I hold my breath and Lie!

And now you see
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still working alongside you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to email
now I'm saving all my knowledge
for someone who's paying me,
........more money!!!!!

- I Will Resign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards,

G. S.

************

The Resignation Letter of Mr. DF of Amersham, United Kingdom

Why did you resign? I can't stand the London Underground.
What are you going to do next? Find a job where I can drive to work and get frustrated by

the traffic instead.
Job Title Accountant
Industry Accountancy & Finance
What is your salary expectation? £40,000 - £60,000

Dear H,
It is with the utmost relief and happiness that I tender my resignation with immediate

effect. Although you are a decent man and your Company is passable, there is no greater

incentive for me to stop coming to your office than to avoid the journey there.

How I looked forward to narrowly missing the tube train every morning. Hearing it pull in as

I reached the station entrance, I could guarantee a half-mile run through piss-soaked

subways before seeing it pull away. Believe me, it took me a lot of practice to effect a

nonchalant "I didn’t really want to catch that train anyway" walk with an exploding heart

and boxer shorts lodged deep in my arse!

On a good day I would only miss the train, on bad ones my momentum as I rounded the final

bend threatened to make me an "incident on the Metropolitan line". I’ve often wondered

whether the "thunk" just outside Amersham was just such an unfortunate passenger.

Once on board (third carriage, second door), I never had a seat, but had my regular place:

squashed between the fat guy and the doors. I could tell exactly which stop we were at by

the smells: sweating armpits and cheese croissants at Harrow; cappuccino and sweating

armpits at Finchley Road; sweating armpits and flatulence at Baker Street.

I’m sorry that I could never give an excuse for being late. Since Underground drivers are

trained to lose the power of coherent speech after the words "delayed because" I never had

any satisfactory answers myself. Whenever we were stuck in a tunnel the driver clammed up

completely. If I was lucky, the lights went out, otherwise an old lady was certain to engage

me in conversation about last night’s episode of Sex and the City.

Not even the proximity to a multitude of heaving sports bras can convince me to ever get on

the Underground again. I will be working out my notice at home!

Yours,

D

_______________________

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"

Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

________________________

DDL

Young Marsha is cute as a bunny
She's bright and she's clever and funny
But I've heard her to say
In her bright sunny way
"Look sonny, no money, no cunny!"

________________________

"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant

____________________

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - Oscar Wilde

_____________________

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe

_____________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, March 16, 2001

Magician offers hard-to-swallow defence

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Magician and drunken-driving defendant Randall Richman swears he wasn't drinking firewater. But he did eat fire.

Richman says he had just taught a fire-eating class in Hollywood when he was pulled over by police in 1999 for driving without his headlights on and going 90 kilometres an hour in a 35 km-h zone.

Police said he was not carrying a licence, his eyes were bloodshot, he could not stand and there was "an odour of an unknown alcoholic beverage." A breath test measured his blood alcohol at twice the legal limit.

But the 32-year-old magician will argue at his April 12 trial that it wasn't liquor that was detected; it was three types of lighter fluid.

The defence has worked before. In 1991, a San Francisco jury acquitted professional fire-eater Ted Maschal on similar charges.