Daily Dose - 010417 - old madam, BIZARRE NEWS, National Lampoon, HOLY COW, DDL, Hey Martha

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a brothel. The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm all messed up, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have Winter in my hair, but I've got Summer in my heart."

The sailor says, "Yeah? If you don't get a little more Spring in your rump, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

BIZARRE TRIVIA

It was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one's right hand on one's testicles. The English word "testimony" is related to this custom.

Coffee is the world's second largest item of international commerce. Petroleum is the first.

Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75%. Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%.

The can opener was invented forty-four years after canned food.

A female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time, the male deposits a jellylike substance containing the sperm. The female draws the jelly into herself.

Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.

A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

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Penis Ice Sculpture Gets a Rise Out of Residents

COLUMBIA, Connecticut - A six-foot snow and ice sculpture depicting a penis got a rise out of residents in the town of Columbia, Connecticut.

Police have been asked to destroy the erected sculpture and one politician stated she would have knocked it over herself but it was bigger than her.

A shocked worker at a nearby nursery school told reporters, "It was so perfect. It was like artwork. It was so real."

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Twins Born a Millennium Apart

WEYMOUTH - Twins Aaron and Luke Hegenberger were born just eight minutes apart. What makes their arrival unique is that they were born in different millennia.

Aaron was born at 11:53 p.m., Dec. 31, 2000; at the South Shore Hospital in Weymouth, Mass., and his brother came along eight minutes later, at 12:01 a.m., Jan. 1, 2001.

"This is terrific," Dr. Robert Vanderlin, who delivered the twins said, "What you have is one born in each millennium."

The babies came early for Debra Hegenberger of Pembroke, Mass., who wasn't due until early February. She and her husband, John, had been planning to watch the New Year's Eve celebrations on television.

"When I got back to the room (after the births), I said, 'Geez, we missed the ball dropping," said Hegenberger.

The new parents said they don't know yet just how they'll celebrate the boys' birthdays in years to come.

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Humankind's Evolution Continues in Seattle

SEATTLE - Seattle residents were enjoying a chuckle Tuesday as they wondered who, or what, planted a rectangular black monolith in a popular park on the first day of 2001.

The 9-foot steel box was an obvious salute to the classic Stanley Kubrick film "2001: A Space Odyssey," in which a similar looking object pops up in a prehistoric setting and radiates a form of energy that somehow kicks in the development of human-like intelligence among the local apes.

"I feel my intelligence increasing by the moment," passerby Denny Sargent joked to the Seattle Times.

The only indication that earthly beings were behind its planting was some soil packed around the base and some bottle tops, indicating the crew apparently paused for some liquid refreshments.

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Elephant Refuses to Let Go of Main Squeeze

GUWAHATI, India - Elephants are said not to forget, and evidently are not much for letting things go either.

According to police in northeast India, a wild elephant pulled a man down from a tree, trampled him to death and has refused to part with the corpse for two weeks.

The man climbed the tree to escape a herd of wild elephants rampaging through his village about 80 miles from Guwahati, the largest city in Assam.

One elephant grabbed the man, pulled him to the ground and broke his legs. It then trampled him and took the body along with him.

It has not been determined as to how authorities plan to get the corpse away from the protective pachyderm.

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Science On The Brink Of Eliminating Need For Women

JAPAN - Researchers, feverishly working on the infant science of cloning, believe they have discovered a way to reprogram male reproductive cells into producing eggs.

Japanese scientists have been attempting to clone only the seed for a new baby instead of the baby itself.

The incredible by-product of this research is a technique to alter the sexual characteristics of human chromosomes. If successful men can be both father and mother of children.

[It seems science has finally caught up with Alabama where folks have been father and brother to their children for generations.]

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Father of 42 Ready to Tie the Knot Again

BEIRUT - After exhausting three wives and fathering 42 children, a love crazed Lebanese farmer will take another wife in a few weeks to keep up with his insatiable sexual appetite.

The 47-year-old Lebanese farmer got married for the first time in his 20s. A few years and a dozen children later, his wife felt he was getting bored with her so she set him up with a second woman.

The second wife then bore Abdel-Al at least a dozen more babies, and then she told him to marry a third woman.

According to Abdel-Al, "Allah ordered us to love each other and I love women. I can't live without love, or at least without women."

Islam allows men to take up to four wives.

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National Lampoon

USS Cole Saddled with $1200 Brake Job

PASCAGOULA, Miss. -- It's a story the Navy knows all too well - U.S. destroyer captain brings ship into dry-dock to have hole left by terrorists repaired and ends up paying for a $1200 brake job on top of it.

"Why can't anything be simple. I just wanted a 40-by-40 foot gaping hole fixed," explained Ted Everett, of the USS Cole, "but no, the guy starts talking about brake calipers and pistons and...Rubik's Cubes and whatever!"

But according to Litton Ingalls Shipbuilder Dom Delinca, the front brake pads of the Cole were 90% worn and Everett could have either paid him a little now or a lot later. "You might be able to get another 3,000 miles out of them," explained Delinca, "but if the pads go and ya hit metal, we gotta replace the whole shoe which'll run ya fifteen hundred in labor alone." He then added, "But it's your choice. Either way I get paid."

In the end, Everett had no choice. "I don't know. I'm a sea captain. I basically know where the key goes and how to fill it up with gas."

So what should have been a simple $8 million repair to damage done by Yemen terrorists ended up being an $8,001,200 repair. And while the difference may seem inconsequential, Everett maintains it's the principal. "They know they have you by the balls. I mean what else are you going to do? Tow it somewhere else for a second opinion?"

Explained Navy Admiral Josh Teirson, who is heading a military-wide search committee for a good mechanic: "It feels like I'm pulling down my pants and getting ass-raped every time I walk into these places."

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George Washington Under Attack by Hollywood

WASHINGTON -- The media is famous for destroying our perceptions of political heroes. From the harrowing portrayal of Christopher Columbus as a ruthless, greedy imperialist, and catalyst of the Native American genocide in the movie "1492," to last year's telepic revealing an insensitive, slave-owning Thomas Jefferson, to the upcoming Dreamworks film on Lincoln (based on a book that depicts our most beloved president as a bipolar racist). Paramount Pictures will also soon capitalize on this trend by producing a new Oliver Stone epic, "Washington -- the Evil Step-Father of Our Country."

The new movie due out this fall will expose the "real" Washington as a cruel, sadistic, slave owner who lied and cheated his way to the top. Stone, who claims to have heavily researched the film, culling most of the movie's information from a single manuscript he ordered from the NAACP Book of the Month Club, argues the movie will reveal many unknown truths surrounding the Father of our Country.

In one scene, a young Washington is shown cutting down his neighbor's entire cherry orchard, over 570 trees! He then lies about it, blaming one of his slaves, who is subsequently beaten to death. Later in the film, it's revealed that the money he made from all the cherries and cherry wood lumber enabled him to attend West Point; where he regularly cheated.

Some are worried, that this constant attack on our national heroes could create undue cynicism. In fact, many blame the recent vilification of Columbus for the present non-ceremonial spirit given the Columbus Day holiday. And now, with the imminent release of Lincoln and Washington motion pictures, there is talk that President's Day might suffer the same fate. A bill has already been submitted to Congress that proposes the holiday name be officially changed to, "White Men Who Rose to Prominence on the Backs of the Negro Day."

Apparently famous white males aren't the only ones being attacked; a new Fox movie will focus on the numerous sexual conquests of Martin Luther King Jr. "I Had a Wet Dream" will open in theatres this May with an NC-17 rating.

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HOLY COW

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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DDL

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.

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Quote Shorts

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

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Brevity is the soul of lingerie. - Dorothy Parker

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"I tried to wrestle my inner demons once... but they used to many illegal holds." - Amanda McAllister

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, Jun. 20, 2000

Vancouver woman spends two years caring for dead father

By DENE MOORE-- The Canadian Press

VANCOUVER (CP) -- A woman who cared for her father for as long as two years after he died, apparently believing he was simply ill, told neighbours her father was doing fine.

Police said Monday the mentally challenged woman was taken for psychiatric care after a neighbour called at the house where she had been living with the dead man.

"She was of a state where she believed her father was OK and that she was still taking care of him," said Const. Anne Drennan, spokeswoman for Vancouver police.

"In fact, it was found that the elderly gentleman had died quite a long time ago, possibly as much as two years earlier."

Drennan said no one in the neighbourhood noticed anything was wrong.

Neighbour Oran Smith, 90, said he used to see the elderly gentleman taking walks with a younger woman, but that stopped two years ago.

"There wasn't a soul to be seen anywhere, nobody coming out of the house, nobody coming in," Smith said.

He said people in the east Vancouver neighbourhood did ask about the man, who didn't speak English well and didn't seem to have many friends.

He said the woman always responded that the man "was OK."

"This is a sad story. I don't think the girl was knowledgeable enough to know her dad was dead," said Smith, who has lived in the neighbourhood on and off for 87 years.

He said the neighbourhood is a caring one and people often drop by to ensure he's all right.

"If we as neighbours knew she was in such a predicament, we would have done everything in our power to help her."

Smith said the woman and her father have lived in the modern, two-storey home for the last four or five years.

The house is sided with red brick and aluminum. There is Chinese writing on the front of the house.

The yard, surrounded by a dirty white picket fence, was overgrown with weeds growing up through the pickets. However, the lawn appeared to have been mowed recently.

"They weren't mixers. It came as a real shock to me," Smith said.

Drennan said police don't believe any foul play is involved.