Daily Dose - 010415 - Special Easter/Passover Edition
Happy Easter Y'all !
Where will I put my money?!
Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father: He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.
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Passover is approaching.
At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,
Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations.
What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.
It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.
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A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her.
She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.
He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century knitting.
The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God, you a simple Jewish woman I know, but if you could, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened when Jesus was born?"
With a distant look in her eyes she she replies, "Well, I wanted a girl . . ."
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Easter DDLs
In a whisper Christ spoke, nearly dead;
Not to miss any word that He said
The disciple drew near:
"John ... from up here ...
I can make out the roof of your shed"
A flatulent nun of Hawaii
One Easter eve supped on papaya;
Then honored the Passover
By turning her ass over
And obliging with Handel's Messiah.
There was a young rabbi named Pete,
Who circumcised youngsters quite neat.
But during the Passover
They kicked his ass over,
For selling the clippings as meat.
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Two Santa Clauses are on the corner. How can you tell which one is Polish?
He's the one with the Easter basket!
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Jesus Returns, fatally burned by fireworks
Bethlehem, Israel, Jan 1, 1900 (UPI) -- Jesus Christ, lord and savior to over 1 billion Christians was fatally burned this morning after reappearing here at the local stroke of midnight.
The lord Jesus, clad in the same flowing white robes he wore when ascending to heaven several days after Easter in the year 29, reappeared to the faithful atop a tower in the central square of Bethlehem, where he had first been born 2004 years and 8 months ago.
Unfortunately, the massive fireworks display to celebrate the year 2000 went off at the same moment on the same tower, quickly igniting the incarnation's robes, which were not fire-retardant to 20th century standards. He was then pelted by crazed doves from the 2000 "doves of peace" released amid the explosions, and fell 4 stories.
The god formerly known as Prince (of Peace) was rushed to nearly Mount Sinai hospital's burn unit but his burns were too extreme, and he died 3 hours later.
In a brief interview with reporters, the former member of the Holy Trinity said in pain-hardened words that he mainly came back to remind people that he had told his prophets "rule for a thousand years" and not "return after one, or even two thousand years." When asked when he would next return, he indicated it would not be "until people stopped coming up with all these truly bizarre interpretations of the bible" and that he worried it was more likely there would be an "ice hockey match in hell" before this took place.
"That he survived even a few hours was miraculous," said Dr. Josh Levi of Mt. Sinai.
"Hey, come to think of it...," remarked Dr. Levi, until he realized he was Jewish.