Daily Dose - 010414 - WEDDING NIGHT, BIZARRE NEWS, vibrator, DDL, Hey Martha
WEDDING NIGHT
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are *up there* in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was *quick*. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are *very* nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.
In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.
Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.
She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...
Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the night stand.
Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just starring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
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BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Condom Names
1. Billy Boy (Germany)
2. Enormex (U.K.)
3. Euroglider (Netherlands)
4. Happy Face (New Zealand)
5. Honeymoon Super Stimulation (Germany)
6. Jiffi Exciter (U.K.)
7. Licks (U.S.A.)
8. Mamba (Sweden)
9. Power Play (U.S.A.)
10. Skin Less Skin (Japan)
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Amateur Kamikaze Attempts to Hijack Passenger Jet
NAIROBI, Kenya - A 27-year-old Kenyan passenger burst into the cockpit of a British Airways jet with 398 people aboard and grabbed the controls. He forced the Boeing 747-400 into two violent nosedives and managed to bite the captain's ear in the process before passengers and crew subdued him.
Most of the passengers aboard Flight 2069 were asleep or watching a movie when the man burst into the cockpit and grabbed the controls.
Passengers screamed and the engines roared as the plane plummeted an estimated 10,000 feet, witnesses said.
Airline officials are calling the attack a suicide attempt.
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Dog Enlightened During a Walk in the Park
CHICAGO, Illinois - Dogs generally "light up" when their owner offers to take them for a walk in the park. However, Portia, a 5-year-old black Labrador retriever, was in for quite a "shock" during her walk with owner Kerry Sorvino.
As the 70-pound canine stepped onto a metal plate covering an electrical vault on the sidewalk, it began to convulse uncontrollably as a voltage of electricity surged through its body.
Sorvino, not knowing what was wrong, bent over to calm the squealing pooch and was bitten on the hand.
A passerby summoned a veterinarian from an animal hospital and he tried to give Portia mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
However, he kept getting a shock from her lips and was unable to save her.
City officials said a frayed wire apparently contacted the cover plate set into the sidewalk on Wrightwood near Lincoln and Sheffield.
An investigation is being done as to whether other city electrical vaults will be checked.
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Not-So-Mobile Home Smashed to Pieces by Train
WASHINGTON - I would like to see how they explain this one to the insurance company.
A house was being moved across a set of railroad tracks on the back of a truck when it was plowed into by an Amtrak train packed with sports fans.
Police say the building was smashed to pieces, but nobody was hurt.
Moments earlier, two men had been on the roof lifting overhead wires out of the way so they could move it across the tracks.
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Sacrificial Lamb Tells Owner To Take a Dive
ALEXANDRIA, Egypt - A sacrificial lamb told its owner in its own words to eat "sheep" and die. Waheeb Hamoudah plummeted to his death when the sheep that he had been fattening up for the past six weeks on his rooftop butted him off.
The 56-year-old worked in the police tax evasion department and planned to kill the lamb for Eid al-Adha, the Muslim feast of sacrifice, in early March.
Neighbors found Hamoudah lying bleeding on the ground below, with several broken bones, Monday.
He died soon after reaching hospital.
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Bomb Dog Considered for Desk Job
SYDNEY, Australia - A police bomb dog, who has been highly trained to sniff out illegal explosives, was frightened by the bangs of a New Year fireworks display and crashed through his backyard fence in Sydney.
Jed, a five-year-old golden Labrador, reportedly played a key role in the security at the Olympics and is said to be a valuable member of the Sydney police department.
According to acting Sgt. Paul Jarrett, "Jed was obviously very frightened by the crackers and smashed his way through the fence to escape."
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Man Believes Snout Will Bring Him Sweet Smell of Success
TAIWAN - In order to acquire a little good luck this year, a Taiwanese man asked a cosmetic surgeon to change his nose into the shape of a pig's snout.
The man's pig-nose wish is one of scores of unusual requests received by surgeons in the run up to the New Year, with Chinese people aiming to improve their luck as the country's economy takes a turn for the worse.
According to traditional Chinese beliefs, the shape of a person's face determines the extent of their good luck and fortune, and in Chinese society pigs are regarded as a symbol of wealth and a comfortable life.
However, this man's good fortune obviously hasn't kicked in yet because the cosmetic surgeon told him to find another doctor willing to carry out the bizarre request.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Cream or Milk?
PORTLAND, Maine - Nightclub owner Mark Deane believes Portland residents will enjoy their morning coffee more if served by a topless waitress.
Deane plans to open a topless doughnut shop in his topless nightclub where dancers will double as waitresses.
"They'll have to ID people at the door to serve doughnuts," said City Councilman Charles Harlow, a longtime opponent of topless dancing.
This isn't the first instance of a topless coffee house. Previous endeavors having gone out of business, but Deane remains confident.
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A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
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DDL
My wife Myrtle's womb has the habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle,
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
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A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement. - Abba Eban
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Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking thing.
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Bureaucracy is a challenge to be overcome by a righteous attitude, tolerance for stupidity and a bulldozer when necessary.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Bride hits her husband with wedding cake
STUART, Fla. (AP) -- Some marriages seem doomed from the start.
A newly married bride allegedly hit her husband with the wedding cake and kicked him when he was on the floor during an argument after their St. Patrick's Day wedding.
Kathryn Marie Patrick was released on $5,000 bond from the Martin County jail Sunday. She has been charged with battery.
Brett L. Patrick and his new wife argued after they arrived home from their wedding, he told police. He had bruises and scratches -- and icing -- on his body, police said.