Daily Dose - 010408 - old blue jeans, Bizarre News, no grandkids, puddle on his pants, DDL, Hey Martha
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Twelve Days of Christmas Gifts on the Rise
PITTSBURGH - What exactly do you do with 12 Drummers Drumming, Eleven Pipers Piping, Ten Lords a Leaping, Nine Ladies Dancing and the rest of the gifts mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas?"
One may have the opportunity to find out by going online to purchase the items. But be warned, the price has gone up since last year according to PNC Bank of Pittsburgh, which has surveyed the prices of these infamous gifts since 1984.
And for the first time, the annual report includes what all that would cost if purchased online.
According to PNC, buying just one of each of the gifts mentioned would be 1.8 percent higher than in 1999, up from $14.940.17 to $15,210.22, unless you go online, where it'll run $23,103.14.
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Sleepy Motorist Puts His Foot Down
AMAGASAKI, Tokyo - It took a car fire to wake up a sleeping motorist after he fell asleep with his foot on the accelerator of his vehicle.
Tetsuya Yamada was in a parking lot when he fell asleep with his car in drive. During his slumber, Yamada accidentally put his foot on the accelerator and his car hit another vehicle parked close by.
The jolt failed to waken the sleepy motorist and his foot continued to rest on the accelerator.
Approximately two hours later, the rubber from the tires had completely worn away and the metal rims grating against the concrete caused the undercarriage to ignite.
Yamada finally woke up when the interior of his car was in flames and managed to crawl out of the car unharmed.
[The report did not indicate Yamada's condition at the time of the incident, but I'll bet my last yen saki was involved.]
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Counterfeit Underwear Scheme Goes Bottom Up
ESSEX - Police are trying to get to the bottom of a scandal involving thousands of pairs of counterfeit Wallace and Gromit, Tasmanian Devil and Homer Simpson underpants.
A total of 14 boxes of the illegal undies were seized by trading standards officials in a shipment from Copenhagen during routine inspections.
Trading standards officers believe the stock would have been collected in person by market stallholders in time for the last few shopping days before Christmas.
No arrests have been made and investigations are continuing.
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Man's Dream of a Bigger Penis is a Bit of a Stretch
BRAZIL - A Brazilian jeweler's dream of a longer penis is a stretch of the imagination, amongst other things.
The man has already gone through great lengths to increase his modest four inch manhood to 10.5 inches with the use of a special "extender" device, however, now he wants more.
His doctor, Bayard Fischer Santos, has urged him to seek psychiatric advice before he chases his dream of a 12-inch-plus penis.
Dr Fischer added: "He's very proud of his penis, it's all he thinks about. And of course his wife is delighted."
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Stuntman Cleans Up at Charity Event
GERMANY - A stuntman in Germany really cleaned up at a charity event when he survived a seven-minute stint in a car wash clinging to the top of a family car.
Jesco Goebel donned a rubber suit and a diving mask while he endured the cycle of whirling brushes, hot water and wax to raise money for a children's hospital charity.
Goebel told reporters "The vacuum cycle didn't really dry me off but at least I didn't get injured."
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Italian Stallion Still Sewing Wild Oats
CHIETI, Italy - A 94-year-old Italian man, who apparently isn't done sewing his wild oats yet, told a court that his 52-year-old wife was filing for divorce because he wanted too much sex.
The woman, who is almost half his age, is his third wife and the couple met through a marriage agency just five months ago.
But she's already filed for a divorce because of the pressure her husband's sexual appetite has put on the marriage.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Give Him an Inch and He'll Give Her a Smile
Men, are you forlorn over the size of your penis? Fear not because help is here with the revolutionary new audio series; MindQuest Penis Enhancement Program.
Yep, we found this 12 week audio series on sale for only $295. A hypnotherapist uses positive thinking techniques to help you visualize your penis actually growing.
The program literature says that an average male will have their penises grow one inch in 12 weeks.
[Positive thinking used to be think and grow rich and now it is think and grow an inch.]
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Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
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A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. ". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great ... now this thing is going to be up all night!"
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DDL
An old Ozark farmer with bunions
Supported his sore feet on trunnions.
This let his dong dangle
At just the right angle
To use it for plowing the onions!
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When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. - Steven Wright
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'We the unwilling, led by the unknowing have been doing the difficult with little for so long that we are now ready to tackle the impossible with nothing.' -- Local Fire communications reserve volunteer motto
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"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, February 2, 2001
Wild chase ends with pregnant cows
OAKDALE, Minn. (AP) -- A wild, 24-hour chase in a St. Paul suburb ended with authorities coaxing a trio of pregnant, runaway cows back into their trailer with lassos and tranquilizer guns.
Farmer Mark Thompson was driving his cargo home when he hit a bump on the highway, springing open the trailer gate for the three 1,200 pound cows.
Police tried to herd back them inside with plastic fence but the bovines bolted through it. The officers then cut a hole in the chain-link highway fence to get the animals away from traffic, and that's when things got nasty.
The cows refused to leave a tract of woods, and the cow-catching posse, by then numbering about a dozen, called it a night at about 1 a.m. Wednesday.
After daylight, a state patrol helicopter spotted the cows still in the woods and the hunt was back on, with several police officers, trained volunteers on horseback, a woman with a border collie, some self-employed construction workers, and a media herd bringing up the rear.
It took until nightfall before the volunteers had lassoed and herded the final fugitive cow into the trailer.