Daily Dose - 010407 - pending divorce, BIZARRE NEWS, Pastor, football coach, bandage the other arm, DDL, Hey Martha
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Books
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.
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Bank Gives 'Cock and Ball' the Shaft
AIREDALE, Yorkshire - A Yorkshire bank denied putting a gun club in a compromising position due to its vulgar name.
The members of The Cock, Ball, Nipple and Touchhole Club were shocked when their eight-year-old bank account was shut down when it went just slightly overdrawn and thought it was because of their rude-sounding name.
Bank officials claim it was closed simply because it was overdrawn and "was in no way influenced by the group's name or its activities."
Despite how it can be interpreted, the terms cock, ball, nipple and touchhole are all parts on an antique rifle, although members admit that some people do assume they are an 'adult' organization.
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Woman Should Have Ducked to Avoid Flying Goose
CHRISTCHURCH PARK, Ipswich - Apparently being hit by "fowls" does not only happen at baseball stadiums anymore.
A 47-year old woman had her tongue knocked down her throat when a flying goose hit her in the face as it took off from a pond.
Luckily, a trained first-aider was near by and raced to help the injured woman as she lay on the ground.
She had swallowed her tongue and stopped breathing, but he managed to revive her as another passer by called an ambulance and is now reportedly recovering at her home.
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Domino's Driver Doesn't Deliver Everything
MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan - Apparently Domino's Pizza delivery drivers don't deliver everything.
The driver told police he went to apartment building, not realizing the food order was for the rear apartment and knocked on the door of the front apartment.
A woman who appeared to be intoxicated or high on drugs reportedly came out of the apartment and offered to perform a sex act for the food.
As he tried to pull away to get back to his car, the woman bit him on the arm, then climbed through his window and allegedly grabbed his crotch several times.
Somehow, the woman wound up with the food and 20-ounce pop that had been on the car's front seat.
The delivery driver later went to a local hospital for a tetanus shot.
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Law Weighs Heavily Upon Oversized Passenger
LOS ANGELES - Twice the size equals twice the fare according to a judge in Los Angeles.
The ruling came after Cynthia Luther, who weighs more than 300 pounds, alleged that Southwest harassed and discriminated against her in May before she boarded a flight from Reno to Burbank.
According to the lawsuit, Luther was asked if she needed a seat belt extension, then was told to buy a second ticket "so as not to inconvenience other passengers seated next to her."
A friend bought the extra ticket, but Luther sat in one seat with the armrest down.
Superior Court Judge Marilyn Hoffman said the airline's policy wasn't discriminatory and is aimed at situations that "might significantly encroach on another passenger."
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Robber Failed When Push Came to Shove
SAGINAW, Michigan - Reading directions would have been helpful for a thief who robbed a restaurant in Saginaw, Michigan.
The would be robber failed to escape after he pushed with all of his might on a door that was clearly marked "pull."
According to police, the man eventually discovered his mistake, but it was already too late.
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Moon Over Swaziland?
SWAZILAND - An unusual "astral" event occurred in Swaziland when a group of 50 women tried to 'moon' Prince Maguga, King Mswati III's brother.
The women were attempting to rally fellow countrymen to protest against what they claimed was a brutal and autocratic government.
The King and Prince's uncle, Ncutfu Mongomezulu, said that their bare bottoms is a potent curse on his nephews, adding that they would need to cleanse them using an African root to remove the magic.
He also threatened to use a potion to send the women into a deep sleep.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Shave and a Haircut, Two Bites
LAKELAND, Florida - Getting a nick or a scratch at the barber is a risk everybody faces, but Charles Gibson was not expecting to have his thumb bitten off when he sat down to have his hair cut by Charles Smith.
"He looked all hyped up like he was high," said Gibson, "I told him, 'That's OK, I'll get my hair cut by somebody else.' That's when he revolted."
When Gibson refused to pay $5 for the haircut Smith attacked him with a razor and then chewed his thumb off.
Doctors were unable to reattach Gibson's right thumb.
[And everybody thinks postal workers are disgruntled!]
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A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the ship'... but you know your people better than I do."
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A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."
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One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage Little Johnny's arm.
"I think you'd better bandage the other arm, doc!", said Little Johnny.
"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it."
"You really don't know anything about how my friends behave!"
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DDL
Goldilocks has lots of guys.
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised.
She sits on the puppet,
And stick his nose up it,
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
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Dirty Poems
Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him away from all other girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Put his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fuck
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.
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Sex is when a guys information
enters a girls communication
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration
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I like your style
I like your class
but most of all
I like your ass
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Hey Martha (true)
Saturday, January 27, 2001
Clinton still owed $6
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) -- Red-faced officials at the Social Security Administration processing center have spent the last few days hunting for a lost W-2 form for President Clinton's government salary.
The federal government owes Clinton about $6 but the paperwork is lost somewhere in the system, said Robert Bird, the U.S. Department of Defense's civilian pay supervisor. The Defense Department handles W-2s for the president and about 1,500 workers in his executive office.
Bird said the $6 was supposed to be added to Clinton's earnings of $200,000 a year because of a new entitlement for federal workers who have health benefits deducted from their pay. The president's paychecks are processed manually, Bird said, and the clerk who processes them overlooked the mistake.
"Poor old Mr. Clinton has had enough public scrutiny," Bird said. "In this case, the government owes Clinton money. He doesn't owe the government money."
Representatives of the Wilkes-Barre Data Operations Center, which processes most of the nation's W-2 forms, refused to discuss the search but two workers said employees have been staying late the last few days hunting for the file.