Daily Dose - 010404 - Best Positions for Praying, Back in the day, Medical text humor, Girl Talk, Rotten News, DDL, Hey Martha
Best Positions for Praying
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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Back in the day
There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!"
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Medical text humor
Doctors and veterinarians aren't born knowing all those fifty-dollar-words they use; there are whole books devoted to medical terminology.
Most of it is dry, staid lists of words and definitions, but every now and then, a bit of the authors' personality shows through.
In "Bailliere's Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary" by D. C. Blood and Virginia Studdert, the following entry appears on page 133, right between Brunner's glands and brush border:
"Brunus edwardii: the urban, companion animal bear, much admired for its low food requirements and excellent house training, a high emotional output and complete freedom from disease. Called also Ursus theodorus (USA) and Pooh, Paddington or Brideshead bear (UK)."
(I could add that they may be free from disease, but they do seem to be susceptible to lacerations requiring surgical repair...)
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Girl Talk
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.--Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.--Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.--Jan King
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.--Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.--Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.--Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.--Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.--Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.--Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.--Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.--Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. --Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.--Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.--Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.--Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.--Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called ME slow!--Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.--Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry.--Sally Forth
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Rotten News
January 3, 2001
Taiwan Bans Dog Meat
The sale of dog stew has been banned on the island of Taiwan, which will now incur a $300 fine. Meat (and fur) from dogs and cats are both covered under the ban.
While dog meat is less common than it once was, there is a thriving cottage industry run by sanitation workers where stray dogs are sold as food to restaurants as "fragrant meat" or "mutton".
Annually 50,000 such stray dogs end up as dinner, nearly one-third the total number of impounded strays.
(Taipei Times)
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January 19, 2001
Jewel Thief Shits Diamonds
A jewel thief in Perth, Scotland, has excreted his haul for authorities, according to a Reuters wire report.
The thief, whose name was not given, managed to keep himself bottled up for four days, but was unable to stay the course after laxatives were administered.
A junior officer was delegated the job of recovering the stolen booty.
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January 1, 2001
Man Serves Boy as Hamburger Meat to Neighbors
A 43 year old, 280 pound man, Nathaniel Bar-Jonah, is accused of a series of atrocities including molestation, dismemberment, and cannibalism involving young boys in the town of Great Falls, Montana.
Among the accusations are that he butchered Zachary Ramsay, age ten, and served meat from his body to his neighbors as stew and in burgers.
Menus found in Bar-Jonah's residence include "Barbequed Kid", "My Little Kid Dessert", "Little Boy Stew", and "Little Boy Pot Pies".
Victims are believed to number as high as 22, some in Massachsetts and some in Montana, though not all are believed to have been eaten.
Bar-Jonah is a short order cook ordered by Massachusetts to live in Montana with his mother after other molestation incidents.
(Boston Globe)
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January 15, 2001
Ballsy Eunuchs to Form Political Party
Shabnam Mausi, a member of the State Legislative Assembly in Madhya Pradesh, India has announced plans this week to create a new national political party -- for eunuchs.
This move on behalf of men without balls comes in response to the growing number of the unencumbered who either currently hold or are running for office in India.
We can't help but think that this development holds the key to ridding our own nation of all those unfortunate Washington sex scandals.
(Reuters)
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January 17, 2001
White Trash Couple Building Graceland Replica
A couple who met at an "Elvis fan club", Tom and Cindy Sanocki, of Palos Heights IL, are using lottery winnings to construct a replica of Graceland.
Tom is the president of the club, but claims "we are not Elvis freaks".
That aside, after they won $64 million in a state lottery, the couple transcended Elvis freakness when construction began of a 7,000 square foot house including home theater and fireplug decorated in the image of "Nipper", the beloved RCA dog.
No, not freaks.
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DDL
There once was a man from Quebec
Whose tool wasn't quite up to spec
Though he blamed the ill-fit
On the gals he was with
All the gals called him "Too-Loose Letrec!"
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Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
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Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
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Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, February 8, 2001
Australian woman attacked by geese wins compensation
MELBOURNE, Australia (AP) -- A woman attacked by a gaggle of geese has been awarded the equivalent of $103,500 Cdn in compensation by an out of court settlement, she said Friday.
Janet Ord suffered a potentially fatal blood clot in her leg known as a deep vein thrombosis after falling into a flower bed as she fled from the geese during a walk through the National Rhododendron Gardens in Melbourne on Nov. 13, 1998.
Ord, 42, was walking through the gardens with a friend when the geese swarmed out of the bushes, knocking her over and chasing the pair into a public washroom.
"Six of them came out making a lot of noise with their wings going crazy and their beaks going 20 to the dozen," Ord told Melbourne radio station 3AW.
She later sued Parks Victoria, which runs the gardens, claiming the department was responsible for supervising the geese.
The case was due to be heard in court Thursday but was called off when Ord accepted Parks Victoria's settlement offer.
Ord said she still suffered from the injury, which can be fatal if blood clots formed in the legs break off and travel to the lungs, and she had a great fear of geese.
"I don't go anywhere where there's geese now," she said.