Daily Dose - 010401 - won't do you any good, Real Resignation Letters, small pill, DDL, Hey Martha
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
__________________________
Real Resignation Letters (believe it or not)
The Resignation Letter of Ms. MS of London, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? I couldn't stand the smell
What are you going to do next? Breathe again
Job Title Secretary
Industry Clerical
What is your salary expectation? £20,000 - £25,000
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Dear Mr. Hillcroft
I have decided to resign with effect from the end of the financial year.
Over the past 20 years I have coped with faxes, function keys on the new terminals, feasibility studies, and faded photocopies. In the past year however, things have gone too f’ing far. Irene, our erstwhile receptionist has not stopped farting. Her flatulence has now reached record levels (the weathermen are now providing fart warnings for the Hertfordshire area) and except for management exclaiming "bloody hell's fire" every time they're in the vicinity and the other ladies shouting "anyone seen the air freshener?" nothing has been done about it.
I mean, I am a reasonable woman and I don’t want to discriminate against people that suffer from this terrible affliction but what are we to do? I know when the MD's wife brings her border terrier in to the office she pretends that the smell he's made doesn't exist but that's no reason to conveniently ignore Irene's very smelly smells. We have complained repeatedly to no avail.
So I go now to fresh fields and pastures new: methane-farting cows there may be but certainly a lot more air for the stench to waft about in.
Regards
MS
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The Resignation Letter of Mr. 007 of Milton Keynes, United Kingdom
Why did you resign? My boss was a KGB agent.
What are you going to do next? Take a skiing holiday and then chase some more spies.
Job Title Spy
Industry Government / Public Sector
What is your salary expectation? Above £100,000
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Dear Y,
I joined the Milton Keynes Gas Board as chief cleaner not to further my career in environmental engineering, but in order to gather enough evidence to prove that you are the notorious and nefarious KGB agent, "Red Thunder". Now that I have sent my dossier to MI6, my job here is done, so I may tender my resignation to you.
My suspicions were aroused when I saw you opening the new pumping station in July of 1982. You had eschewed the traditional shell-suit in favour of a mackintosh and ill-fitting trilby. That episode and your appearance on the BBC’s Question-Time in 1983, when you asked Norman Tebbit whether the he thought England’s cricket team could beat a Ukranian select XI, gave me the impetus to expose you.
Luckily my years watching Bond Movies and reading "Amateur Spy Monthly" have served me well and I was easily able gather evidence: the twice-weekly visits to Mrs. Biggins’ House of Easy Virtue - a safe house if ever there was one; your known associations with Cambridge Graduates; the limp; unnecessary queuing at the bakery; your predilection for borscht and tearful viewing of the Battleship Potemkin. These habits alone would have been enough for me to have you arrested, but sending the plans for the North Sea gas tunnels to "Submarine Commander Boris" was your final mistake.
By the time you read this, the unmarked cars will be at your door and I will be sharing a martini with your pretty young assistant, Tatiana Shagdalova.
Yours,
J B
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A farmer had a bull that wasn't getting the job done that he was supposed to, so the farmer went to town to see the veterinarian. The vet gave the farmer a large pill and a small pill. He instructed the farmer to give the bull the large pill. And if that didn't do the job, then to give the bull the small pill also.
The farmer gave the bull the large pill and it was obvious that that was all that was needed. The vet had instructed the farmer to destroy the small pill if not used. The farmer was working on the well at the time so he decided to just drop it in the well. A few days later while he was in town he saw the vet on the street.
The vet asked about the bull and the farmer told him the big pill did the job so he dropped the small pill in the well. The vet got excited and said, "You aren't drinking that well water, are you?"
"Heck no," the farmer replied. "I can't even get the pump handle down!"
________________________
DDL
She looked terribly fragile and small,
As she stood with her back to the wall.
But she opened her sluices,
And let out her juices,
And bloody near flooded the hall!
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss.
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Trans corpus meum mortuum. - Over my dead body.
_________________________
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
Eleven couples to hold nude weddings in Jamaica
Part of growing trend in naked travel
By MATTHEW J. ROSENBERG-- The Associated Press
RUNAWAY BAY, Jamaica (AP) -- When you get married in the nude, where does the best man keep the wedding ring?
That question will be answered and little else will be left to the imagination Wednesday when 11 couples tie the knot in the buff on Valentine's Day.
"We're nudists because we're comfortable nude, so why not get married the way we're most comfortable," said Paige DeBell, a 34-year-old artist from Hamburg, N.J., who will get married at Hedonism III -- a Jamaican resort known for its wild ways.
The nuptials have sparked protests from clergy and the government, but the weddings also highlight the growth of a burgeoning nude travel industry, estimated at $300 million a year worldwide. The amount is triple what it was a decade ago, says the Trade Association of Nude Recreation of Los Gatos, Calif.
"In the last five, maybe 10 years, it's become a very organized industry," said Donna Daniels, a nudist and owner of Houston-based Castaways Travel, a company specializing in "clothing optional" vacations. "This used to be a word of mouth thing."
Daniels, who also runs a more conventional travel company, stumbled into the nude travel business through a chance encounter with a businessman at a chamber of commerce meeting.
The man -- whom she declined to identify -- came by her office a few days later and politely inquired about nude travel options.
"I said come on in the back room ... I started rattling off things with him and his eyes just got as big as silver dollars and I realized as I was talking with him (that) our hobby information might be valuable," she said.
In 1995, the first full year Castaways was up and running, the company booked around 200 nude vacations. In 2000, the number jumped to around 5,000, with each trip averaging $3,000.
Over the last 30 years the options for American nudists have continued to grow. Their European counterparts have traditionally had it much easier because of relaxed laws on public nudity.
Bob Lewalski and Eileen Shaski of Illinois, and Robyn and Ed Salonex of Minnesota, and eight other couples are going to exchange vows in what is billed as "the world's largest nude wedding." Robyn and Ed will be renewing their vows, while Eileen and Bob will be getting married for first time. (AP Photo/Collin Reid)
By the late 1960s, the number of official nude beaches in the United States could be counted on one hand. Today, however, there are nearly 250 nude beaches and private clubs and resorts in the United States, according to the Florida-based American Association of Nude Recreation.
Nudists also head to a few resorts in the Caribbean and Mexico that offer nude beaches, such as the Superclubs chain with resorts in Jamaica and the Bahamas. Hedonism III is owned by Superclubs.
And what do the couple's families think about their nude nuptials?
They're "totally cool," says DeBell's fiance, Ronald Sissman, 48, who has two teen-age children from a previous marriage.
Sissman, Jones and others say it is a myth that nudism is about public sex. Still, that hasn't stopped protests in Jamaica.
Despite the Caribbean nation's reputation as a place where people come to escape civilization, the weddings -- which have been mentioned everywhere from Modern Bride magazine to the Playboy television channel -- have proven to be a bit too risque for many in this largely conservative and Christian country.
A coalition of Caribbean-American clergy wrote to Prime Minister P.J. Patterson expressing shock and urging him to try to stop the weddings. The prime minister hasn't responded.
Jamaica's government tourism agency also lambasted the event as improper and offensive. And there have been small protests outside the Jamaica Tourist Board's offices in New York, at Superclubs Kingston offices and outside Hedonism III.
At Hedonism, the protests have mostly been regarded as an amusing sideshow with guests sharing tales of having to brave placard-waving protesters shouting "Jesus!" at cars near the resort.
While some of the grooms will be wearing little else than a top hat, and the brides only a veil, one of the most common questions asked of the couples has been, "Where does the best man put the ring?"
"We hope it's where we can see it," Sissman says.